


Into the Wild

by orangina



Series: Lab Safety Verse [2]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Camping, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Family, Fluff, Fluffy Moments, Friendship, High School, M/M, Motels, Recreational Drug Use, Relationship Issues, Teenage Drama, references to past events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-18 20:01:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3582072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangina/pseuds/orangina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Benedikt makes a packing list to go camping with Mats and his family, he plans for everything that could possibly go wrong by nature's accord. But on the Mats Hummels accord...well, there's not a whole lot of planning that Benedikt can put in there.</p><p>Sequel/spin-off on Lab Safety.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Helloooo. I'm back with another high school (aged?) AU and yes, this is a sequel to Lab Safety. Same characters, same universe, but takes place about 7-8 months after. There are references to stuff that happened in Lab Safety, but you don't need to have read that to read this one!
> 
> Again, a reminder: Parents are fictionalized. I don't use their real names nor do I imagine them looking like the real parents do, but you can imagine them however you want.
> 
> Hope it's decent :D

Toothbrush?

Check. Homework (because he probably wouldn’t have enough time to finish it all after they returned on Sunday)?

Check. Hat in case it rained? Bug repellant? Sunglasses? Flashlight with extra batteries? Sunscreen because Benedikt’s skin fried like an egg on a hot summer’s day?

Check. Hand sanitizer?

Nope. Benedikt dug through the gray plastic bag containing all the necessities he’d purchased at Walmart to retrieve the miniature bottle and tossed it in his backpack.

Check.

Benedikt went through his packing list no less than three times and even added a few items that were probably unnecessary (he couldn’t imagine what he’d possibly need a pocketknife for, and he was sure Mats’ parents would think to bring a first aid kit along considering Kira’s childish curiosity and Mats’ special talent for diving headfirst into stupid situations). He knew he was being a bit ridiculous, but he didn’t travel often -- he’d never once gone camping in his entire life -- and he always liked to be extra prepared. 

Mats liked to make fun of him a lot for this and tell him that he was paranoid; Mats was definitely a bit different from Benedikt in that the darker haired boy literally never planned for _anything_ and often landed himself in trouble for it. But whenever Mats called Benedikt paranoid, Benedikt defended himself by claiming that he wasn’t paranoid, he was _smart_ and that Mats was just lazy to which Mats always said that he wasn’t lazy, he was _spontaneous_.

Needless to say, neither of them ever really won that argument.

Nonetheless, beneath Benedikt’s worrisome nature was excitement. He had been looking forward to this trip ever since Mr. and Mrs. Hummels had invited him along the other night while he’d been eating dinner with Mats’ family. Well, technically Mats’ little sister Kira had invited him without the proper consent of anyone else in the family. But Mats’ parents were far too kind to take back the invitation even if adding a six foot two cross country runner (and effectively doubling the calories they’d need to pack) into their five-seater was a bit of a stretch. Besides, both of them loved Benedikt like they loved their own children and he could always serve his purpose as a buffer if Mats and Kira started fighting, which you could probably count on happening because Kira never had any of Mats’ bullshit.

Anyway, to make a long story short, Benedikt Höwedes was attending his first Hummels family vacation -- a weekend camping expedition -- and boy, was he excited. Not only to spend an entire three days with his boyfriend, but also because his own parents were a bit stiff-souled and hadn’t taken their son anywhere since a skiing trip several years back during which Benedikt broke his leg and ended up on a surgery bed. So that was the end of that.

\-----

“Do you have everything you need?” Benedikt’s mom asked him abruptly before he could slam the car door shut.

He looked back over his shoulder. He knew that ever since the beginning of the school year, after all the stress he’d gone through with Mats, his parents had softened up just a little and were trying to have a better relationship with him. Their efforts were usually awkward and misplaced (there was a lot of _alright, son_ -esque back thumping from his father and his mother, having been to very few school functions before, apparently was not aware of the fact that she shouldn’t go up to Benedikt during the science fair while he was still speaking to the judges about the effect of cleaning products with harsh chemicals on food safety. Don’t get him wrong, he was thrilled that she actually showed up at one of his activities for a change, but that sort of thing would’ve been a bit unnerving for anyone in the middle of their judging, let alone an absolutely mortifying experience for a teenage boy right smack in the middle of that inevitable ‘my parents are the most embarrassing people in the world’ phase) -- but always meaningful. They were trying their best and that’s all that mattered to Benedikt.

“Yep.”

Mrs. Höwedes looked worried, if anything. “Have a good time. And be safe, Benedikt. Call me if you need anything--”

“Yeah, yeah, okay. I probably won’t even have service out there. I’ll be fine, mom. Bye.” Benedikt offered her a reassuring smile before shutting the door and beginning the long hike up Mats’ lawn to the front door. He knew his mother was genuinely worried about him; she and his father were not exactly the outdoorsy types. At all. They liked to be inside in the safety of their office cubicles.

Benedikt sighed and hitched up his overpacked bag. He really only had two concerns about this trip: one, that he would get sick and ruin the trip for everyone else and two, Mats would go batshit crazy all over again. His first concern was a legitimate seeing as he decidedly had a crap immune system for someone of his age and fitness level. The second one was a little less realistic because Mats had been doing extremely well ever since he started his medication several months ago, but there was always the chance that something could go wrong.

Benedikt took a deep breath of the warm spring air before ringing the doorbell to the Hummels residency. He could only hope that everything went smoothly, but with Mats you never really could tell.


	2. Packing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo again. The wait for this chapter was longer than I wanted it to be but that's because there was some shit going on and I wasn't sure whether I wanted to continue posting or not. The reason I'm deciding to continue is because of all the positive comments and encouragement that I've gotten; it may not seem like a big deal but it means so much to me. Not everyone may like this story, but I understand that there are some people who do and I don't want to let you guys down when I said I would do this. So, this story is dedicated to you <3
> 
> As a side note: Just want to say that if you did not like Lab Safety or you don't like this sequel, you don't have to read it. That's a waste of time to continue to read something you don't like when you don't have to. However, if you do choose to continue reading it and have any problems with my writing, the plot, characters, pretty much anything...then I'd much rather you address your concerns with me directly than go behind my back and say nasty things. I welcome constructive criticism, but please be mindful: criticism is meant to help the author improve, not put them to shame.
> 
> Now that that's out of the way...here is the second chapter :)

Like almost every other time he announced his presence at Mats’ front door, Benedikt was enthusiastically greeted by Kira, who happened to be the president, head recruitment officer, and most dedicated member of the Benedikt Höwedes fan club.

“Benni! You’re here!” she squealed, jumping up and down in excitement. “We’re going camping!”

“I know. I’m coming with you guys,” Benedikt reminded her before she bounded off somewhere. He set his bag down by the door so he could venture into the house and find out what the hell was going on, which by the sound of it appeared to be complete and utter chaos. Mr. Hummels, humble and clueless by nature, was looking more frustrated than Benedikt had ever seen him before as he attempted to pack up the tents in the middle of the living room and realized that one of them had an enormous hole in it. Mrs. Hummels was screaming at Mats for using the last of the peanut butter and not putting it on the shopping list because she now had nothing to put in their sandwiches. Mats was hotly asserting that it _wasn’t him._

“That’s what you said about that bag of weed I found in the closet, you said it _wasn’t yours_!” Mr. Hummels roared from the living room, joining in the screaming match. Which for him was a big deal since he was usually the amused one watching various family members yelling at each other and only intervening when Mats started throwing things because that’s when you knew things were getting out of hand. “I’m tired of you lying to us all the time, and I’m tired of you smoking weed in the house!”

“I’m not lying!” Mats lied.

“Mats, you need to go to store and get some peanut butter and also all the other things I asked you yesterday to buy for the trip that you didn’t buy. Or you know what, just get out of the house, I don’t care where you go. I don’t want to see you, you’re making me very angry,” Mrs. Hummels ordered, sounding totally exasperated and done with everything Mats related.

Meanwhile, not much was being accomplished to prepare for the trip and Kira was the only one who seemed at ease with the current situation, galloping joyfully around the house. Benedikt knew the Hummels family extremely well by now and was not in the least bit surprised.

Mats stormed angrily across the room, kicking the tent supports his dad had laid out so precariously, and was out the door without so much as a glance towards his boyfriend. Benedikt wasn’t offended; it was likely that Mats hadn’t even noticed his arrival.

“Oh,” Mrs. Hummels started, finally seeing Benedikt lounging in the doorframe and looking extremely relieved by his presence. “How are you, dear? We’re not quite ready to go yet, as you can see. I’m really sorry about Mats’ behavior…”

“It’s fine, I’ve seen worse. Can I do anything to help?”

Mrs. Hummels opened her mouth to assure him that no, it was very sweet of him to offer but he didn’t have to worry about it, when Mr. Hummels interrupted.

“Help me with the tents, Benni?” he begged, sounding like he’d just about reached the tipping point of his midlife crisis.

“Of course,” Benedikt replied. He kneeled down next to Mats’ dad to do anything he could despite his extremely limited knowledge of camping and seconds later, Kira was offering her assistance as well, eager to impress Benedikt.

Things began to calm down. With both her kids out of the way, Mrs. Hummels was able to finalize the packing and take Silver the husky over to the Draxlers where she’d be staying for the weekend. Mr. Hummels and Benedikt put their heads together to figure out the tent situation and Kira’s job was to transport everything to the foyer so it could be brought to the car later on. With a little help from Benedikt for the heavier stuff, Kira contributed quite a bit and significant progress was made.

Once mostly everything was packed and prepared, Mats returned with a plastic grocery bag in each hand and dropped them both onto the couch for his mother to inspect. He then flopped across the couch next to Benedikt, making himself comfortable on his boyfriend’s shoulder and sighing loudly. Benedikt slipped an arm around his waist.

“Are you going to apologize?” Benedikt said as a way of greeting.

Grunt.

“Just say you’re sorry. And mean it, too. Don’t just say it,” Benedikt suggested quietly. He sat still as a statue, refusing to lean back into Mats like he normally did. He didn’t like it when Mats was rude to his family. It was especially hard hitting on the blonde, who would give anything to have a wild family like Mats’ or even just a sibling.

“I’m sorry for lying, mom,” Mats said and Benedikt was pleased to hear sincerity in his tone.

Mrs. Hummels raised an eyebrow, halting her inspection of Mats’ purchases. “And what else?”

“For being a dick?” Mats guessed.

“Good enough,” Mats’ mom conceded, rolling her eyes and returning to the contents of the grocery bags only to huff even more. “I did _not_ ask you to buy Jalapeno Cheddar Doritos. I hope you paid for these with your own money.”

She held up the bag, tossed it in Mats’ direction, then collected the grocery bags to bring back out to the car. Mats and Benedikt were left alone at this point with Mr. Hummels and Kira both having busied themselves outside, enjoying the fresh air and leg room before a two hour car ride. Mats promptly tore open the package and proceeded to shove several Doritos in his mouth at once before pushing the bag under Benedikt’s face.

“Want some?” he asked through a mouthful of chips.

Benedikt crinkled his nose; the chips smelled downright awful and his and Mats’ respective tastes in food was another thing that differed greatly between them. Benedikt liked lasagna and cereal and sugary fruit smoothies. Mats liked salty things and hamburgers and ice cream sundaes, and it was a wonder how he stayed so fit relative to the number of times he went through the McDonald’s drive-thru each week for a Coke. 

“Eh. I can pass,” Benedikt said.

Mats shrugged, then lifted himself off of Benedikt. “Your loss. Come help me pack.”

Benedikt blinked. “Okay, first off, you can _ask_ me to help you pack but you can’t _demand_ for me to help you. And second, why haven’t you started packing yet? The rest of us are ready to go. It’s actually kind of selfish of you--”

Mats shut him up by dragging him up from the couch by the hands and covering the blonde's lips with his own. Benedikt didn’t exactly return the gesture only because he thought the Doritos flavor on Mats’ tongue was gross, but he did find his hands weaving through those dark curls of Mats’ that he loved so much. It was kind of the opposite of his own hair; Benedikt’s hair was thin, light and flat. He’d finally convinced Mats to let his hair grow out again after the last time he’d got it cut, even if Mats claimed he was trying to get past his stoner look and Benedikt pointed out that he still was indeed a stoner and drove around in a beat up truck that smelled straight up like weed and fast food. 

“You’re so uptight Benni, it’s okay to relax sometimes you know?” Mats muttered against Benni’s mouth before reluctantly pulling away to head upstairs.

Benedikt said nothing as he followed Mats up to his bedroom, mentally preparing for the avalanche of clothing both dirty and clean he’d be greeted with in there. He couldn’t complain though seeing as his own bedroom wasn’t exactly any neater.

Regardless of how much progress Mats had made since the beginning of the school year, he still sometimes had no regard for anyone other than himself. He was improving every day; he was nicer to his sister and more respectful to his parents. But there was always the occasional slip and it hurt Benedikt to see that. It hurt everyone. Mats’ most apparent fault was the blatant lying. Each incident was minor, and Mats was such a bad liar that his outrageous claims could usually be mistaken for humor, but it definitely got old after a while. It was like Mats thought everyone was stupid enough to believe him.

Benedikt loved Mats a lot and he knew Mats loved him, too. The question was whether Mats loved _himself_ enough yet to begin doing things for himself and not just to make his boyfriend happy.


	3. Onward to the Mountains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The trip commences with a bit of 'excitement' for the car ride.
> 
> A bit of a throwback to the prequel, as is the next chapter. You'll see what I mean.
> 
> Also if you wanna be my friend you can hmu on tumblr (@neueresque sorry I'm too lazy to link it). Hate mail is welcome too.

The first part of the car ride, despite getting off to a rough start, passed with relative ease considering the circumstances. 

The first disagreement that occurred was about what they would be listening to on the radio; Kira wanted to put in the latest One Direction CD which Benedikt had given her for Christmas, but Mats insisted on listening to a Korean death metal band that no one had ever heard of before. Mats’ and Kira’s dad wasn’t on board with either of these options and wanted to turn on the easy listening station. The debate was put to an end when Mrs. Hummels declared that they would be listening to either _her_ choice of music or nothing at all. So the consensus throughout the car was that oldies/classic rock was better than nothing, even with Mr. Hummels singing along off-key to everything that came on and fondly reminiscing about ‘back in his day, when he was growing up in the suburbs of Chicago...’ Fortunately, Benedikt liked classic rock and listened to it quite often on his own, so he in particular was satisfied with the outcome.

The second argument that occurred was whether there would be a dinner stop or not. Because they were traveling farther and farther away from society, the options gradually became less and less frequent. Mats, of course, recommended they pull over at every single small mountain town exit to boast a couple fast food restaurants. Mr. Hummels said that he wasn’t interested in having a heart attack while he ‘still this young’ and that he’d only pull over if they saw a sign for a mom and pop place or something else halfway decent. Kira just wanted macaroni and cheese, which was “not an option right now because we’re in the car and can’t boil the water, honey” according to Mrs. Hummels, who then vetoed everyone else and said that no, they would not be stopping at all because she told them to eat before they left and that they needed to make it to the campground before dark as they were already running late.

A little more than halfway through the drive was when things started going downhill. Benedikt had started a round of ‘I Spy’ with Kira while Mats provided extremely helpful remarks throughout the entire game. Kira was sitting in her booster seat between the two boys and practically climbed out of it onto Benedikt’s lap every time she needed to point to something out the window, and every time that happened Mats would pull her back in, readjust the seat belt, then command her to sit and stay. The booster seat definitely took up a lot of room and Benedikt had about two inches of space to move his long legs around. He felt cramped up and stuffy, and he was also beginning to feel a little nauseous since the roads were getting more mountainous. He wouldn’t complain though unless he absolutely had to; Mats’ family was far too good to him and he was not about to whine about something as nitpicky as not having enough leg room.

Mrs. Hummels turned around to check on Kira. “How are you doing, sweetheart?”

Mats snorted. “What about me? I’m back here, too.”

“Good,” Kira said, then she grinned proudly, showcasing her missing front teeth. “I’m beating Benni in ‘I Spy’ even though he’s a _teenager_ and I’m only six.”

“Only because you give him things that don’t even exist and he gives you something easy like ‘cow’ or ‘tree’ every single--” Mats started to point out before his mother shot him an angry look.

“ _Mats._ ”

“Just sayin’,” Mats mumbled as Mrs. Hummels congratulated her jubilant daughter.

Next, it was time to check on Benedikt. “And how are you doing, dear? Everything’s alright? Are you hungry?”

At the mention of food was when Benedikt realized how _not_ hungry he was. The thought of it alone made him feel rather ill, and that’s when he realized he should probably inform Mats’ mom that he was feeling nauseous because getting sick all over the floor of the car without any notice would be far less polite than at least giving a fair warning.

“Uh. I’m alright. Actually, I’m not feeling too great…” he trailed off, looking sheepish and feeling a blush creep onto his cheeks.

“Pull over,” Mrs. Hummels ordered of her husband and he did as he was told, looking a little confused since he’d been too focused on recalling the lyrics to the latest 70s tune to pay any attention to the conversation.

“What’s going on?” he wanted to know. He looked dazedly around the car, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’m trading places with Benni. He’s feeling nauseous,” Mrs. Hummels explained as she undid her seat belt.

Benedikt felt self-conscious for the hassle he was bringing about. “Oh, no, it’s alright, I can stay back here--”

Mrs. Hummels responded with a look that clearly indicated her word was the final one, so Benedikt clenched his mouth shut and climbed out of the car to head over to the front seat. The air outside had grown colder with both the night rolling in and the higher altitude so it felt good, and he was also relieved to stretch his legs if only for a few strides.

“Can I drive?” Mats asked hopefully while all of this was occurring.

“ _No,_ ” Mrs. Hummels said impatiently and Mats pouted. Well, at least he was sitting directly behind his boyfriend now instead of being separated by a barrier in the form of an annoying six-year-old sister. Mats really couldn’t wait for tonight when he’d get to share a tent alone with Benni. That was going to be great. He and Benni had not spent the night together since that one incident at the beginning of the school year. And even that hadn’t really counted on account of the fact that they never actually made it past three in the morning.

Mr. Hummels pulled back onto the road. Sitting up front helped Benedikt feel better for a short amount of time until it was apparent that a plastic bag would in fact be necessary. Mats unbuckled his seatbelt to dig around in the trunk for one while Kira squeezed her eyes shut and covered her ears, prompting her mother to explain to her that that was rude and not helping Benni’s case at all. Meanwhile, Mr. Hummels still had no clue what was going on and Benedikt felt absolutely awful for being the one to cause all of this kerfuffle.

He felt like a complete idiot. He knew they’d be driving through the mountains, that should’ve been the most obvious thing about this whole trip seeing as they were going camping, and he knew that he didn’t handle this type of terrain well in the car. He should’ve brought along some Bonine or Dramamine.

“Hanging in there?” Mats asked Benedikt, who merely shook his head and brought the bag closer to his mouth. Mats bit his lip and reached around his boyfriend’s seat to rub his back, slowly and carefully so as to comfort Benni and not make him feel any worse.

Several things then happened at once.

It all started when Kira, who was focused intently on the game she was playing on Mats’ phone that he’d given her to get her to stop bothering him, made a fatal mistake and let out a frustrated shriek. Mr. Hummels gasped in surprise and lost of control of the steering wheel for just one second, but it was a second long enough to cause him to have to swerve back over to the edge of the highway. The noise prompted Benedikt to drop his plastic bag in shock, and the jerky motions of Mr. Hummels’ attempts to regain control of the car were too much for his stomach to handle.

He knew what was going to happen about half a second before it actually did, and amazingly, incredibly, that half second was enough time for him to wrench the cooler that was at his feet within a reachable distance. He had no idea what was in it, but it had to be better than ruining the floor of the car or his own clothing.

The car was still and it was over.

“What the fuck just happened?” Mats wondered after a brief moment of silence, picking nonchalantly at his fingernails as if this sort of thing were an everyday occurrence. Which, arguably, in the Hummels household, it was.

“Say that word one more time and you’re walking the rest of the way,” Mrs. Hummels threatened.

“Oh my god,” Benedikt moaned, staring in horror at the mess he’d just created in the cooler that contained their entire stock of food for the weekend. “I-I just -- I’m so sorry…”

Mr. Hummels glanced over to see what he was talking about and grimaced appropriately. He clapped a hand to Benedikt’s shoulder. “It’s alright, kiddo. Don’t worry about it. We’ll just stop by somewhere and get some more.”

Mats’ mom sucked in a deep breath, shut her eyes, then let it out slowly. She instructed Kira to go outside into the grass and muttered some sort of prayer before following the little girl and scolding her (not for the first time nor probably the last) about screaming in the car. “ _What_ have daddy and I told you about--” The car door slammed shut and the only thing to be heard for a few moments was muffled voices.

“Well, better out than in right?” Mats tried, though a bit apprehensively, to lighten the mood after his dad had occupied himself with his smartphone to try and locate a place that sold groceries.

Benedikt shrugged. His mouth was a desert and his face was on fire. The guilt building up at the pit of his stomach was making him feel sick all over again, but the last thing he needed right now was anyone pitying him.

“Bad news, kiddos,” Mr. Hummels announced with a frown. “I can’t get any service, so looks like we’re gonna have to just double back and see what we can find.”

Mats groaned, but he didn’t do it to make his boyfriend feel bad. He did it without thinking and he couldn’t take it back. It was right then that he confirmed to himself that he was the biggest dick on the planet.

The rest of the ride resumed without too much drama or loud music. Everyone was a bit subdued, but especially Benedikt who was so ashamed he simply wanted to disappear. The good news was that no one was upset with him because an identifying Hummels family trait was going with the flow and figuring out a solution even when life gave you the weirdest situations to deal with (well, that was sort of necessary when you lived their kind of lifestyle). That didn’t mean there was never any flipping out involved, but they still managed to make it work. The only exception to this might’ve been Mats, though even he was slowly coming through. And if worst came to worst, they would only need to make a two hour drive back home. It wasn’t like they were stranded out in the middle of absolute nowhere.

Mr. Hummels cleaned out the cooler as best he could, vehemently refusing when Benni tried to pitch in. Kira gave Benedikt an enormous hug and assured him that everything was okay, and it brought Benedikt a strange sense of deja vu. Mrs. Hummels brought up bottles of water from the back of the car and handed them out to everyone so as not to single poor Benedikt out. Mats tried to talk to Benedikt to make up for his being a dick, but Benni just shook his head. He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes, promising himself that the trip would get better and everything from today would be forgotten after a good night’s sleep. He only needed to get through the rest of the evening.


	4. The First Night

It turned out that they were not far from the campsite, so Mr. Hummels remained behind with the kids to begin pitching the tents while Mrs. Hummels doubled back to pick up some new food. It was Benedikt who ended up hauling the empty cooler to the showers to finish cleaning it with water and disinfectant. By the time everything was set up, Mrs. Hummels had returned from wherever she’d been, which turned out to be only about a forty-five minute detour.

“Keep this in a safe place for the ride home, dear,” Mrs. Hummels told Benedikt. She handed him a small box which he immediately recognized as the motion sickness reliever he wished he had had earlier.

“Thanks,” he said awkwardly, feeling embarrassed all over again. He grew even more embarrassed after the box slipped from his fingers and fell into the damp grass, forcing him to bend over and retrieve it. Benedikt blushed and got embarrassed fairly easily, but in this case there was solid justification behind how he felt: his rash decision to upchuck in a _cooler_ of all places was the whole reason Mats’ mom had had to head back out so soon after their arrival, after all. “I’m so sorry--”

“Oh, shush,” she said offhandedly before rushing off to confiscate the package of marshmallows that Kira had happily discovered in the shopping bag. The little girl could and would eat every last marshmallow in that bag if it was still in her hands by the time the fire got going.

“What the hell are these?” Mats wanted to know, making a face as he inspected a couple limp-looking cheese sandwiches wrapped in plastic.

“That’s your dinner. There wasn’t a lot to choose from. Don’t complain,” Mrs. Hummels snapped.

Mats eyed the sandwich suspiciously as he peeled back the wrapper but kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to make Benni feel any worse than he already did about the whole grocery situation. Besides, s’more ingredients hadn’t been on the original menu so he definitely wasn’t going to complain about that.

\-----

Camping, as Benedikt discovered, was not anything like in the movies. The mountains were cold at night and hot during the day but fortunately he had prepared appropriately. Luckily for Mats too, Benedikt had helped his boyfriend prepare for the cold. There was a good chance that Mats otherwise would’ve hopped in the car with just a pair of flip flops that wouldn’t survive a one mile hike and a thin jacket with a zipper that wasn’t comfortable for sleeping in.

The campsite was little more than a slab of grass with an outhouse several hundred feet away with toilets and showers. If you walked in either direction along the gravel road that brought you to the site, you’d come across several trails that led into the woods and the mountains and it was one of these paths that Mats and Benedikt had taken after their stomachs were full with sandwiches and s’mores. They didn’t need to walk for more than a few minutes before they came across a rocky alcove overlooking their vast surroundings where they could sit comfortably. Benedikt was relieved he’d remembered to bring a flashlight because the moonlight didn’t filter through the trees enough to see well, and the idea of falling off a cliff and dying this weekend wasn’t something that particularly excited him.

Benedikt sat with his legs crossed and Mats lounged back on his elbows beside him.

Put simply, the mountains were beautiful. Benedikt had never seen anything like it before, and just to experience being out in the open like this was enough to let him forget about everything that had gone wrong today. The mountains were grand and mysterious enough in the daylight, but the darkness that enshrouded them took the mystique to a whole new level. It was quiet, too, almost eerily quiet. Benedikt was fascinated. He wondered what it was like in the areas that weren’t accessible by car, the ones that only daring hikers and trail adventurers could reach, and decided right there and then that he was going to find out one day. He also decided that he’d need to go out west one day, where the mountains were newer and taller and probably even more enrapturing.

“What are you thinking about?” Mats asked quietly. He’d been watching his boyfriend for the past several minutes, noting just how beautiful his wide-open eyes looked with the stars reflecting off of them. Back at home, they were too close to the smog of the city to see any stars.

Benni didn’t notice Mats until the latter placed his hand gently over the former’s. Benni startled out of his daze.

“You alright?”

“Yeah. It’s nice out here. I like it.”

Mats paused for a moment, debating on whether he should pick up the blonde’s hand and hold it or simply leave it where it was. “You’ve never seen the mountains before, huh?”

Benni shook his head, then unknowingly ended Mats’ internal debate by intertwining their fingers and dragging both their hands over to his thigh. His favorite moments with Mats were the simple ones like these, and Mats scarcely asked him for anything more. Not to say he didn’t love feeling the total warmth of Mats’ body when they hugged, had lazy afternoons in bed during which neither of them felt like doing anything, or relaxed on the couch in the library at school together (they always got some stares and whispers, but most people at school thought they were adorable together and it couldn’t hurt to get a head start on campaigning to become the first gay couple at their school to win the senior superlative for couples next year). But there was something special about having that warmth incomplete, in a sense. He believed that if all he felt was warmth he’d take it for granted. So he liked to feel both Mats’ warmth and the chill of the world around them at the same time.

Mats swallowed audibly. He was about to do something he knew Benedikt wouldn’t like, but he needed to do it. It was the perfect time, anyway. The perfect time to relax and let loose and enjoy the beauty of the mountains at night time even more than he would while grounded.

He considered asking Benni before digging the three things out of his back pocket.

“Are you serious?” Benedikt said harshly, shattering the tranquil mood that had been established earlier. He yanked his hand away and was left feeling even more chilled than before. He hated this habit of Mats’.

“Why not?” Mats began to prepare his pipe by adding the marijuana.

“Because it’s fucked up, that’s why,” Benedikt scowled.

Mats brushed the excess weed off his fingers back into the tiny roll of plastic for later and lit the substance before answering. “Well.” He took a great whiff of the drug and blew it out slowly into the air. “I like it. It makes me feel good, and it makes good things even better. What’s the big deal?”

The all-too-familiar pungent scent of weed hit Benedikt’s nose and made his insides squirm. It wasn’t the drug itself he disliked. He was all for the legalization of marijuana and agreed that it was not as hazardous to one’s health as believed. His problem with the drug was the way in which Mats used it.

“Just tell me. You always whine about me smoking but you never give me a reason. It makes me feel good, so--”

“So you’re saying I’m not good enough for you?!” Benedikt exclaimed, rounding on Mats, who at some point had sat back up.

“What? No! I’m saying it makes good things seem even better--”

“So I’m not good enough!”

“Christ… No, Benni, no. You’re way too sensitive, it’s not like that!” Mats returned, matching Benni’s fervor without really meaning to and he could only hope that this didn’t mean they were about to have a real fight. They had so far managed to avoid any major blowouts, but little arguments were common between them and sometimes those little arguments evolved into bigger ones and Mats was always the one who ended up apologizing.

“I’m not good enough for you, Mats. That’s what you’re telling me when you get high all the time. You can’t just sit here with me and enjoy the moment? That makes me rethink whether you must actually be into me or not...”

Benni’s voice shied away on the last sentence and he turned back forward, but instead of facing the openness again his eyes fell to his feet. He didn’t know when he’d kicked out his legs, but there they were, his knees bent up and he only had to lean forward to rest his forehead on them and wrap his arms around his shins.

Mats shrugged.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, Benni. I just…”

He took another hit, at a loss for words.

“Whatever,” Benedikt mumbled into knees.

“You know you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me? Do I have to remind you of everything you did for me?”

“You’re addicted,” Benni stated, sitting up abruptly.

“Do I have to remind you about the kind of person I was back in September?” Mats ignored Benedikt’s remark and took his third hit, followed by a fourth.

“You haven’t changed much,” Benedikt laughed meekly, as if Mats were telling a bad joke. “You’re addicted. You’re an addict. You’re--”

And that’s when Mats lost it. That’s when he flung the object in his right hand at Benedikt and it happened to be his lighter. It hit his forehead, hard, then rebounded off onto the rock.

“Shut the fuck up! You don’t know shit!”

“Bye,” was all Benedikt said before he stood up swiftly and marched off, leaving Mats alone and with no flashlight.

Well then. At least now he could get stoned in peace.

\-----

No matter how mad Benedikt was, he couldn’t leave Mats there by himself and he couldn’t return to the tents to risk Mr. and Mrs. Hummels inquiring what was the matter. So he took about five or so minutes to calm himself before approaching Mats again and in those five minutes, he decided that he needed to get stoned too. Just one time, and just so he could know what Mats was talking about. It wasn’t in his right to be criticizing Mats of things which he himself didn’t know about.

“Sorry I threw that lighter at you,” Mats said habitually as soon as Benni was back. “I was pissed off but that’s no excuse.”

“I don’t care, I would’ve been pissed off too.” Benedikt took a deep breath and explained all of this and what he wanted to do to the dark haired boy, patiently, ending with, “so I think I want to try it.”

“You’ll like it, I promise.” Mats smiled slightly as he handed over both the filled pipe and the lighter to Benni. He was glad his boyfriend was finally giving in, but something about it also felt wrong.

Benni couldn’t do it. First, he fumbled with the lighter. Then, he couldn’t get the smoke to catch. Mats almost let him keep struggling just because the look of frustration on his face was nothing short of adorable, but he didn’t want the blond to change his mind. So he took both items back, brought the pipe to his mouth and prepared it, then covered it up with his finger so he could pass it on to Benedikt without losing any precious smoke.

“Breathe it in. Just breathe it in and hold it there for a couple seconds,” Mats instructed eagerly.

Benedikt’s eyelids fluttered, then his face twisted into a grimace. He ended up just swallowing the smoke, not wanting to risk anything, and the taste clawed at his throat and made him cough hard. Mats began slapping his back repeatedly.

“Okay, that happens. You’ll get used to it. Ready for another?”

 _That’s not enough?_ Benedikt thought miserably. His eyes were watering.

“Yeah, I guess. This is so…” he sputtered out before having to cough again.

“It gets easier. I don’t think you need that much since it’s your first time, maybe five more hits should do it. I don’t really remember though. All I remember is I didn’t get high the first time I tried. Took me about three tries to finally get high,” Mats explained nonchalantly as he repeated the process from earlier.

_Five more?!_

But he kept going. He wanted to get stoned. He wanted to see what all the hype was about. So Mats would feed him the pipe, he’d inhale and swallow then cough and the second time was even worse than first. There was a moment during which he thought he wouldn’t be able to catch his breath again and Mats looked worried. But he did in the end.

“Ready?” Mats prompted. He was being as nice as he could. He didn’t want Benedikt to change his mind. He felt a little guilty, but this was what Benni wanted; he certainly wasn’t pressuring him at all, was he?

Benedikt nodded, wiping his eyes dry on his wrists.

And so it continued. Benedikt stopped coughing so much after the third hit and he tried to force his brain to enjoy the odd taste and texture. It worked, sort of.

“Okay. I think that should be enough. Unless you want more?”

“Nope. I’m good.” Benni glanced at Mats and smiled weakly, but there was nothing behind it.

Mats nodded, not sure what else to say or even think. What had he just done to his boyfriend?

It only took a few minutes for the effects to settle on Benni. When Mats got high, he simply relaxed and felt good. But he’d been smoking alone for far too long to remember that the effects could be different, especially on people smoking for the first time and it was apparent in an instant that Benedikt was going to have a serious case of the giggles.

The first thing that happened where Mats could confirm success was when Benedikt belched, having swallowed too much air, and cracked up. Typically, he was the one to scold Mats for being gross and burping all the time. But being high changes those types of things. Everything becomes hysterical under the effects of THC. You could watch a sunset or a cat licking its paws and it’d be the funniest thing ever.

So it was all fun and games at first. Benedikt laughed uncontrollably at everything and anything and recited jokes and anecdotes that even Kira, who lost every single staring contest she partook in within half a second, wouldn’t have batted an eye at. Mats would’ve been concerned at Benni’s lack of comprehension had he been grounded, but this was high Benni and high Benni was acting just like you’d expect any high person to act; straight up ridiculous, and it was absolutely hilarious to Mats.

“Do you have any snacks? I’m starving,” Benni informed Mats at one point, moving his flashlight in a dizzying motion across his own heavy, bloodshot eyes. A lazy smile spread across his lips.

“Nah. We’re not eating again till morning. And you’re not really hungry, babe, you just think you are…” Mats’ throat caught a little at the name he’d just used, taking advantage of Benni’s current state. Benni had asked him a while back not to call him any of those names because he didn’t like the times they were associated with. So ‘Mats’ and ‘Benni’, and occasionally ‘Benedikt’ when Mats was either teasing or angry, ‘Matsi’ when Benedikt was feeling giddy, and also ‘dumbass’ and the like were used in a joking sense. But there was rarely anything else, and especially not any cliche pet names.

This was easily the most loose and relaxed Mats had ever seen his boyfriend. That is, until things started getting bad and Benni was no longer giggly, but anxious.

“My heart is beating so fast! I think I’m dying?!” Benni panicked, looking at Mats wildly.

“Calm down,” was all Mats could say. He pulled Benni into his chest and adjusted himself so they were as comfortable as they could be spread across the roots, rocks, and dirt. He moved his hands slowly up Benni’s arms, which were shaking, and placed his palm across the other boy’s heart. It really was beating frighteningly fast. Mats knew that staying still was probably their safest bet right now.

“I don’t know if I like this, Mats.”

“You’re fine. Just take deep breaths and don’t move.”

He felt Benni’s back shift as he sucked in a breath then pushed it out. With each breath the blonde took, Mats could tell he was calming down. His skin was no longer buzzing angrily and his heart returned to a rate that was only slightly above average.

A long while passed during which Mats simply held Benedikt to him and said ‘mhm’ into the soft blonde hair whenever the other boy commented on something.

Finally, he said, “I think it’s time for us to go back to the tent.”

“But…” Benni faltered and twisted around to meet Mats’ eye. He looked totally out of it.

Mats raised an eyebrow. “But what?”

“I--I like this. I feel good. Let’s just stay here for a while more. If you don’t want to talk to me anymore, maybe you could put on some music?”

“I don’t know about that…” Mats said dubiously. His phone, which contained all his music, was off because he didn’t want to use his battery unnecessarily since he couldn’t charge it.

“Aw, come on. I don’t want this to end yet. I’ll make a deal, let me listen to your music and I’ll stop talking. But let’s stay. I feel amazing,” Benedikt said hazily.

Mats shook his head, but what was he supposed to do about it? He’d gotten Benni high. It was his fault, and this is what he had to deal with now. Besides, there was no denying the fact that Benni had a point: it _was_ nice, if only in a slightly disconcerting way, and if Benni wanted to stay then by all means Mats was up for it.

So they stayed. Mats pulled out his phone and gently prodded the earbuds into Benedikt’s ears. He put on a playlist entitled “high musivc” that he had created to organize all of his favorite ‘high music’.

With the high music now filling his brain, Benedikt had never been more in awe of the incredible and strange world he lived in.

Exhausted by his first ever high, the blonde eventually curled up and fell asleep on the rock with his head settled in Mats’ lap, but Mats was wide awake and couldn’t have slept even if he wished to. He felt as if he’d done something awful, and he knew that in fact he had. The good feeling from the high did almost nothing to compensate for the guilt of what he’d done.

The least he could do was relocate the earbuds to his own ears so Benni could sleep more comfortably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for reading and please leave a comment if you feel like it!


	5. The Hike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hummels fam + Benedikt go hiking and Mats isn't very happy about it.

“Benni. Wake up.”

Well, it wasn’t exactly what Mats had had in mind when he’d been looking forward to spending the night together. While Benni had slept in reasonable comfort, Mats stayed awake the entire night.

The music had gotten old after a while, so he turned his phone back off to listen to Benni’s snores instead. He had entertained himself by switching off between studying his boyfriend’s face and the ominousness of the dark mountains, all while tracing Benni’s parted lips lightly with the pad of his finger, wanting to kiss him but holding back. He wondered if Benni always snored like that or if was because he’d been smoking. Whatever the reason, Mats thought Benni looked beautiful like this: relaxed and peaceful.

At some point during the night he’d had to take off his sweatshirt and ball it up to put under Benni’s head as a makeshift pillow because his legs were beginning to get pins and needles from lack of movement. He was freezing, but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make because the last thing on earth he’d let himself do was hurt the person he loved yet again.

Now, he hovered above said person, shaking his shoulders and hissing to awaken him. The sun was barely coming up, but they needed to get back to the campsite before his parents woke up for the day and noticed the two of them gone. Mats wasn’t feeling prepared to come up with a story about what they’d been doing; he had no problem admitting that he smoked for himself, but he couldn’t admit to having Benni smoking too.

Maybe if he didn’t admit it, he could pretend it never happened.

“Wake up, you sleepyhead. It’s morning.”

Benni opened one eye and Mats had to smile. His boyfriend looked both adorable and completely obnoxious, his eyes decorated in sleep crumbs and his hair static from the material of the sweatshirt rubbing against it. There was also a spot of drool on his cheek that Mats found particularly hilarious.

“It’s not morning…” Benni mumbled, closing his eye again and trying to turn over only to moan at the pain he felt. His neck was stiff and his arm was sore from sleeping on it; his waistband had left marks on his skin from pressing into it. Sleeping on a bed of rock and dirt was not ideal.

“It is. You can go back to sleep but we need to get back to the tents. Now,” Mats said. “Come on, babe. Up you go.” And he placed his hands under Benedikt’s armpits and pulled him swiftly to his feet, ignoring the groans of protests as he bent back down to scoop up the sweatshirt.

He also ignored the pounding in his own head that protested his failure to get any sleep. It was going to be a rough day for everyone.

\-----

“Mats! Benni! Get up, we’re going hiking!”

Now it was Mats’ turn to groan as his little sister shrieked in his ear then proceeded to jump all over him and step on his face multiple times.

“Ow, what the fuck? Get lost,” he mumbled, but she’d already scrambled back out of the one-man tent that Benedikt and Mats had been sharing for the past couple hours. Mats had managed to snag a few hours of sleep after having a very difficult time dragging a semi-conscious Benni into the tent and wrapping him in his sleeping bag.

On the other hand, Benedikt was plenty rested. He yawned, rubbed his eyes, then sat up and blinked a few times as his eyes adjusted to the sunlight pouring in through the hole at the top of the tent. The air was thick, cool, and misty, but it was still significantly warmer than it had been during the night and Benedikt was a little sticky from being in his sleeping bag. He needed a shower tonight, that was for sure.

Mats had placed a pillow over his head and was holding it there tightly. Benedikt had to let out a laugh; grumpy, sleep-deprived Mats was a Mats he enjoyed. In a bold move, he reached over and tugged the pillow out of Mats’ arms.

“Mmmmmmmrrrrrrrrrppppphhhh,” Mats croaked.

“Wake up, _sleepyhead_ ,” Benedikt said in a sing-song voice as he ruffled his boyfriend’s disastrous curls. He then smacked Mats with the pillow, earning several colorful words in response, and crawled out of the tent with his plastic bag of toiletries to go brush his teeth because frankly, his mouth tasted like ass.

\-----

The hike got off to a slow start, partly because it took about an hour to extract Mats from the tent and force him to put sneakers on. The other delay was that Mr. Hummels couldn’t find the map, so they attempted to use the position of the sun in the sky to figure out which trail was the correct one to follow.

“The sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” Mr. Hummels said smartly, shielding his eyes against the sun. “So that means we need to go south.”

Mrs. Hummels stared at her husband as if he’d spoken a foreign language. “I don’t get your logic. And we still have no idea which way is south so that’s not very helpful, anyway.”

“You’re wrong, daddy! The sun rises in the east and sets in the west!” Kira stated, fresh off the solar system unit in her first grade classroom.

“Who even cares?!” Mats said as if this whole matter was personally offending him. He stood in the center of the gravel road with his arms crossed, a scowl on his face, and his hair sticking up in every which direction. “Let’s just hang out here all day and avoid the trouble.”

Benedik jumped in at this point, knowing that Mats’ comments would only spark more argument and possible hurt feelings. He let the smaller backpack that he’d brought along for the day hike slide off his shoulders to the ground, unzipped the front pocket, and pulled out his compass.

“South is...this way.” He pointed in the direction which the instrument indicated and that solved the problem.

“Thank you, Benni dear,” Mrs. Hummels said gratefully.

Mats fixed Benedikt with a glare of death, but Kira had already sprinted off in the direction Benedikt had pointed and the hike had begun.

“Boo, hiking,” Mats muttered to himself.

 _Here goes nothing,_ Benedikt thought, bringing up the rear of the pack with Mats.

“So are you going to be this pissy all day?” he asked amusedly.

“Yes,” said Mats.

“Too bad then, I can’t be holding hands with a grumpy curmudgeon. And all for the better because it’s getting hot and you sweat and it’s gross,” Benedikt joked, giving Mats the innocent grin he knew his boyfriend loved. It was true that Mats did sweat a lot, but Benedikt really wasn’t that bothered by it.

Nonetheless, Mats looked indignant. “Excuse me, how am _I_ the one who’s gross when you--”

He cut himself off at the look on Benedikt’s face and quickly added, “Sorry.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Benedikt shook his head and stepped slightly ahead of Mats. How quickly things went from okay to not-okay between them was laughable, but how dare Mats bring up what happened in the car yesterday when he was clearly embarrassed about it? That was something that always ticked Benedikt off about Mats. He knew his boyfriend wasn’t _trying_ to be inconsiderate, but he still ended up that way and it was frustrating.

“You know what, Benedikt?” Mats said suddenly.

Benedikt glanced over his shoulder for a moment with an arched eyebrow. Mats using his full first name was never a good sign unless he was teasing, and here he clearly wasn’t. “What?”

“You can fuck off because you’re just as unpleasant to be with as I am. You overreact at every single tiny thing and you get offended so easily, it’s ridiculous,” Mats said harshly, though he still kept his voice level since his parents were not too far ahead.

“No, _this_ is ridiculous.” Benedikt gestured between them to indicate the conversation they were having. “I’m tired of fighting with you for absolutely no reason.”

 _You’re the one who started it by being an oversensitive bitch,_ Mats thought bitterly. But he pursed his lips and stepped away only because he was also tired of the pointless bickering.

Benedikt and Mats walked separately for a while, not only because they’d made a nonverbal agreement to simply step away from each other when things got heated but also because the beginning of the trail was too narrow to walk side by side. It was a relatively flat and easy hike for the first part of the day so Benedikt had some time to think, the open air of the mountains helping to clear his foggy head.

He and Mats had been fighting more than usual lately, and Benedikt knew it was mostly his fault because of precisely the reason Mats had pointed out. He did overreact and get offended easily, and a guilty part of him knew it was because he wanted a reaction from Mats. Sometimes he got the reaction he wanted and Mats would spend hours comforting him after a shitty day at school or buy him a pint of Ben & Jerry’s as an apology for something. But other times Mats just overreacted right back and they’d end up right smack in the middle of a useless argument.

Benedikt knew he needed to stop if he didn’t want this relationship they’d both worked so hard for to go down the drain.

The sun was already boiling down on them and although they were sheltered by the trees, it was still hot and the temperature was rising rapidly. Benedikt was already sweating and it wasn’t even noon; the straps of his backpack were rubbing uncomfortably against his shoulders. He could feel the sunscreen he’d applied this morning slipping underneath his sunglasses into his eyes. Great, sweating off his sunscreen was exactly what he needed it for...He lifted the glasses to rub his eyes out on his shirt.

Breakfast this morning had been unheated scrambled eggs from a can, stringed cheese and your choice between an apple, orange, or banana. Benedikt chose a banana; he really liked bananas and thought they were perfect for a quick energy boost. Just as Benedikt was wondering what they could possibly be having for lunch, his thoughts made a detour because he finally noticed the trail becoming rockier and sunnier.

“What if someone steals our stuff?” Kira was asking worriedly, referring to everything they’d left behind at the campsite. She had obviously expended the majority of her energy already since her dad was now giving her a piggyback ride, which was getting gradually more difficult to accomplish as the terrain became rockier and rockier.

“They won’t because there’s no one out here except us,” Mrs. Hummels explained.

“Well, _that’s_ comforting. So if we all die no one will ever find our corpses.”

Mrs. Hummels ignored Mats’ interjection. “And even if there were, it would be nice people like us who are going camping, not thieves.”

“Yeah. And even if they were thieves, they wouldn’t want an ugly ass tent with a giant hole in it,” Mats added bitterly.

“I’m not so sure about that…” Mr. Hummels said cautiously, again disregarding Mats. “There’s a lot of weirdos who lurk out here.”

Kira’s eyes widened, and her mom immediately began telling her dad off for frightening her. It was totally unnecessary, Mrs. Hummels said, and it wasn’t even true.

“They’d be more scared of us than we’d be of them anyway, we’re the fucking weirdest--”

“ _Do. Not. Say. That. Word. Again._ ” Mrs. Hummels snapped. “Do you really want to walk back home from all the way out here? Because I will make you. Try me one more time.”

Mats lifted his arms in mock surrender.

Meanwhile, Benedikt had been slowly zoning back in. It was clear that the trail had vanished now into an expanse of jagged mini-boulders and crevices to climb and twist your way around. Rock scrambling. The trees were gone now and they had a three hundred sixty degree view of the entire landscape. It was gorgeous. The tops of the trees below them looked like miniatures in a diorama, and the mountains off in the distance were majestic as ever. The sky was a pure blue.

“You’re on your own now, kiddo,” Mr. Hummels panted after a challenging first scramble. Kira climbed back down onto the rock, revitalized.

“Benni! I see you,” she chirped, spotting him down below and waving. Benedikt waved back. She had on her own pair of little green sunglasses, having brought them along after discovering Benedikt had a pair and wanting to match with him.

Rock scrambling, Benedikt had to admit, was the best part of the hike so far. It was like a puzzle having to figure out where to put your hands and feet, although he screwed up multiple times and ended up with several minor scratches. Little Kira excelled at the task and zipped through the course like an expert, yards ahead of everyone else with her dad going as fast as he could to keep up. Mrs. Hummels lingered behind with Benedikt, who was only a little bit embarrassed about being demolished by a six-year-old at rock scrambling. His body was bigger and therefore harder to work with, thank you very much.

“How are you doing, dear?” Mrs. Hummels asked Benedikt after she’d tackled a mini-boulder.

“Great,” Benedikt said but it came out as more of a grunt as he lifted himself up. He smiled. “This is great.”

“Glad you’re enjoying it. We’re thrilled that you could come along, and I am especially because you’re the sanest one of all of us,” she acknowledged.

Benedikt forced a laugh. “Thank you for inviting me. I’ve never camped before and it’s been a lot of fun so far.”

Well, disregarding the fact that the only real camping experience he’d had so far was toasting marshmallows seeing as he’d fallen asleep on a cliff after getting high for the first time ever. But that had been an experience in itself. Benedikt still wasn’t sure whether he felt guilty about it or not.

“You’re more than welcome, but don’t think this is how normal people -- hey, where did Mats go?” Mrs. Hummels frowned and double checked both ahead and behind of where she stood, and Benedikt did the same.

Shit. Where _was_ Mats? Benedikt would’ve been able to see him if he’d gone off ahead, so there was only one direction in which he could be -- behind.

“I’ll -- I’ll go see if I can find him,” Benedikt stammered, his heart catching in his throat and he spun off before he could get a proper response. If Mats was hurt or something, this was all his fault for not keeping an eye on him --

_Okay, but he’s old enough to take care of himself._

_That doesn’t mean he can’t have misjudged something and slipped and cracked his head open._

Benedikt went as fast as he could. He was an excellent runner and had placed third in a recent track and field meet for the two mile, but throw a bunch of oversized rocks in the mix and Benedikt wasn’t that fast anymore.

Still, he was faster than someone who wasn’t moving which happened to be the case with Mats.

“Mats!” he called, jumping down from a particularly high rock to the one below where Mats was situated, looking unscathed but rather pissed off. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“No,” Mats replied as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. “I couldn’t get up this fucking rock and you people just kept going--”

“So you gave up?!” Benedikt exclaimed, no longer panicked but outraged. “And you were just gonna sit here and rot for the rest of your life? Way to go. Great attitude.”

Mats leapt to his feet at this point and said nothing, but placed his hand on a small support rock and pressed on it to show it was unstable, a look of pure disgust on his face.

And Benedikt understood. That was rock he’d used to place his foot on while he hoisted himself up and he hadn’t realized it at the time, but it had been necessary to have someone else hold the rock in place by balancing it from the other side so it wouldn’t tip over. They’d all gone through without even realizing they’d been helping each other out. But no one had stuck around to help Mats, simply because they hadn’t known. Benedikt felt awful.

“You’re lucky I didn’t try to do it myself,” Mats snapped.

Benedikt nodded. He looked away from his boyfriend, not sure if he was more upset at himself or at nature or at Mats for falling so far behind in the first place simply because he’d been crabby and unenthusiastic.

“Why didn’t you call for me or something? That would’ve been the logical thing to do, you weren’t _that_ far behind. You act like you were abandoned.”

“Because I’m a dramatic pussy. Are we gonna go now?” Mats spat.

Benedikt swallowed heavily. This whole situation had been 100% avoidable, but it was useless now. “I guess.”

Mats held the rock while Benedikt confronted the boulder for the second time that day. Once he was up, he steadied the rock as well as extended a hand to help his boyfriend up even if that action was unnecessary. Mats’ hand slipped from Benedikt’s more than once since they were both so sweaty, but they made it work somehow. And after they had completed the challenge, Benni couldn’t help it. He had to throw himself around his boyfriend like a desperate clingy person and mumble into his shoulder, “I am _so_ sorry…”

For a while they stayed just like that, looking over on another’s shoulders and finally being able to appreciate the view since they were not otherwise occupied with trying not to fall and die. As the seconds passed, Mats seemed to loosen his grudge and held Benni against him just like he always did. That was the thing about Mats Hummels. He could never hold a grudge for long.

“It’s okay. I forgive you. You came back, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. I did. I was worried.”

“I knew you would. That’s why I love you,” Mats said casually.

“I love you too.”

It was hot and sticky and gross and Benedikt could feel sweat from Mats’ hair brushing against his cheek and at the base of Mats’ back where his hands were, but that was alright. Benedikt was extremely thirsty, however, and had to twist Mats’ arms away from him so he could get his water bottle.

“Me please,” Mats said once Benedikt had taken a long swig, long enough to need to breathe heavily afterwards.

The blonde handed his bottle to Mats, who mimicked him in gulping down the liquid but also spilled a lot down his chin and onto his shirt, making Benedikt smile and shake his head. Mats wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand and shrugged.

“You’re a fucking moron,” Benedikt said, taking the bottle back.

Mats winked. “Can’t say I disagree.”

Their relationship was nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. But Benedikt was willing to wait for the car to reach the top of the hill in order to experience the thrill of going down, even if it only lasted for a few seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be shy to leave a comment of any sort, I wanna know who's reading and your thoughts! [even if it sucks but please don't be too mean :)] Comments are my motivation :)


	6. After Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple eventful meals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking this fic will be around 10 chapters total, maybe more or less, but definitely not as long as Lab Safety. I know there's a lot of unanswered questions so if you have a request for a one-shot about anything specific or just something in general from this Hömmels universe I could probably write it for you :)

The rest of the hike went well. Mats’ cranky mood seemed to have been cured and that alone naturally lifted everyone else’s moods too. The five of them stuck relatively close together and Mats and Benedikt were side by side whenever the width of the trail allowed them to be, walking in sync with their petty arguments long since forgotten.

Mrs. Hummels had packed Goldfish crackers and passed a Ziploc baggie full of them to Mats when he announced that he was starving. Lunch wouldn’t be until they returned to the campsite where they would be having bean tortillas, she said.

Mats and Benedikt excused themselves off into a shady corner of the campsite for a little privacy during lunch. By the time they had made it back from the hike, everyone was pretty tired and Benedikt’s nose, forehead and upper cheeks were bright pink, the beginnings of a sunburn. Mats finally noticed this in the middle of scooping diced tomatoes from a can atop his tortilla (Benedikt blushed so often that it was easy for Mats to pass over until it became obvious that the tint was there to stay). He stuck the plastic spoon back into the can and touched Benni’s cheek lightly with two fingers. It was hot and very dry. Benni’s mouth twisted into a slight frown, which Mats reciprocated even before letting his hand fall back.

“Does that hurt?” he asked.

“It stings a little. But it’s not that bad. It’s nothing. I’ll survive,” Benni replied, folding his tortilla and letting out a little noise of frustration when he realized he’d packed it too heavily and it wouldn’t shut.

Mats shook his head in amusement, leaning over to assist the blonde. “So does this mean it’s okay for me to say it looks cute on you?”

Benedikt looked up, pleasantly surprised by Mats’ flirty mood. “What? With my face all burnt and peeling?”

Mats nodded sheepishly when he realized how odd that must seem. But then again, he always thought his boyfriend looked adorable when he flushed embarrassed and this really wasn’t that different, was it?

“Mhm. With your cheeks all pink, I mean. I think it’s cute.”

“You’re so weird.” But Benni was beaming, and Mats could confirm this even as Benni took a big bite of his poorly folded tortilla because the corners of his eyes crinkled like they always did when he smiled.

“Well, you’re still attracted to me, so the same thing goes for you I guess…” Mats shrugged, then felt a smirk creeping onto his face as Benni’s eyes went wide and half the contents of his tortilla tumbled out, onto his shirt and onto his paper plate.

“Shit...”

All Mats could do was laugh, scoop up some shredded lettuce and cheese and throw it at Benni, who scowled and brushed off his shirt.

“Not now, please,” Benedikt sighed. It was a small thing, but it was the small things that made him aggravated when everything else was going well because that’s when they were the most obvious.

A couple diced tomatoes hit his forearm.

“Mats, seriously, stop it. I want to fix this before I scream.” Benni bit his tongue roughly as he tried to salvage his tortilla and realized it was simply impossible. But he had to keep pretending he was trying or Mats would make fun of him even more, which he wouldn’t actually get offended about but he just wasn’t in the mood to be one-upped right now. Well, he never was, now that he thought about it. He absolutely hated being wrong, even about things as trivial as tortillas.

“ _‘Mats, seriously, stop it.’_ Oh come on, just give it up. It’s a fucking burrito, make a new one,” Mats advised in an _I told you so_ sort of way and Benedikt could hear that stupid smirk in his voice without even needing to look up. “Better luck next time, Mr. I’m-so-perfect-and-I-never-make-mistakes.”

Another unidentifiable component of what used to be his tortilla hit Benedikt’s cheek and this time it actually hurt on account of his sunburn. That was it.

“Stop throwing stuff at me!” he yelled as fiercely as he could, but it didn’t come out sounding very threatening because his voice caught halfway through, leading him to flush furiously and Mats was now laughing harder than ever.

“It’s not just any stuff...it’s the backlash of your mortal flaw in life,” Mats said dramatically through bouts of fake-sounding laughter. Benedikt rolled his eyes up to the sky; he found it hard to believe that Mats really found it all _that_ hilarious.

Still with all this happening, it was hard to keep the frown on his face when Mats was looking and sounding like a complete ditz. Benedikt folded his arms for added effect, even though he could feel the corners of his mouth twitching.

Mats, having calmed down a bit, looked Benni directly in the eye and grinned. “Is that a smile I see?”

“No.” Benedikt furrowed his eyebrows so much that it was physically painful.

“Hm. It’s kind of hard to tell when you have no eyebrows,” Mats said before he could think it through and recall that making jokes about physical features was risky on both ends of the relationship since they each had insecurities.

“Okay, that’s not even true. And fuck you.”

“I’m kidding! Just teasing you. I love you,” Mats said innocently, making a quick show of puppy dog eyes. He grabbed his boyfriend’s hands and pet them in an attempt to redeem himself.

Benedikt just stared at him. Mats was an insensitive idiot, that was for sure, but Benedikt knew he never meant anything by it. Whenever Benedikt was deeply upset or needed a friend, Mats was always incredibly sweet and comforting. It just seemed as if he saved that side of him for when it was really needed.

“You’re jealous because I don’t have to pluck them in order to not look like Bigfoot.” He then switched to a high pitched voice that sounded nothing like Mats to mock him. “ _Wait, Benni, I just need to do my eyebrows before we leave! Do you think they look okay? Ugh, I look like a drag queen now._ ”

Mats wrenched his hand away and punched Benni’s shoulder a little bit harder than he intended to.

“Ouch,” Benedikt winced and rubbed the area of impact.

Mats looked guilty but ignored it. “That’s not what I say! You know that I don’t give a shit about how I look.”

“Um. Yeah you do.”

“I only want to look good for you,” Mats said defensively.

Benedikt blinked, making a point to look over his boyfriend head to toe, from his uncombed hair to the plaid boxers sticking out of his shorts. He reached over and snapped the waistband of said boxers. “Right. Real classy. I am so impressed.”

“Okay, so I’m wrong for once in my life, big deal. You win. I give up,” Mats huffed.

Benedikt smiled and ruffled the front of his boyfriend’s wayward curls.

\-----

It seemed like the one thing that Benedikt needed right now, he didn’t have. By the time the sun was beginning to set after an afternoon learning about bears and cougars at the visitors center and playing cards (a rather violent game of Egyptian Rat Slap to be exact -- the back of his hand was bright red from being pounded multiple times by an overenthusiastic Kira and an over-competitive Mats), Benedikt’s sunburn was bothering him more than it had been earlier and he wished he had some sort of moisturizer to soothe it out. He didn’t understand. He ran out in the sun all the time and never got baked as badly as he was now.

He wasn’t having the best of times warming up his hot dog over the fire that Mats’ dad had constructed because the heat from the flames was rising right up to his face, making his sunburn feel worse. It felt like hot coals were being placed across his cheeks and he kind of wanted to dump water all over his face. But that would definitely be making a mountain out of a molehill, plus the water would probably make the burn take longer to heal by drying his skin out more. If he could just deal with the annoyance now, it would probably be negligible come tomorrow morning.

Benedikt found his thoughts wandering as his dinner hovered over the fire. He thought about his best friend Manuel. Well, at least they _used_ to be best friends...Guilt swarmed its way through Benedikt as he recalled what had happened with Manu ever since Mats Hummels rocketed into his life last September. It wasn’t like he treated his friend any differently, it was just that Mats took up a whole lot of his time and energy and Manu deserved better than being a second choice. Manuel Neuer was much more to him than just another person whom a crabby, tired Benedikt could run to to whine about his relationship issues. Manuel and Benedikt were like brothers; disagreements were commonplace, but they always had each other’s backs and that was no exception even when Benedikt’s hands were now full with Mats and his irritating habits. And Manuel understood for the most part. He’d witnessed the wrath of Mats Hummels last September and was proud of Benedikt for not giving up on something that was important to him even if it seemed impossible. But that didn’t mean Manuel wasn’t bitter about how little his best friend came around nowadays…

Benedikt rotated his hot dog near the embers at the bottom of the firepit and his thoughts shifted to last night, speculations about his and Mats’ unconventional relationship. And he still hadn’t formulated an opinion about his own use of marijuana. He’d been conveniently ignoring that up until now, the conversation around the fire going in one ear and out the other and he didn’t realize that someone had been trying to address him for several minutes until he was poked in the rib.

“Yo.”

“What?” Benedikt shook his head back into focus.

“You burned your dog, you nitwit,” Mats told him, continuing to poke his boyfriend in the stomach.

Benedikt pulled the hot dog back towards him to examine it. “Oh. Fuck.”

Kira covered her mouth and giggled. She’d heard that word come out of her parents’ and brother’s mouth (more so her brother’s) several times, but never Benni’s. Benedikt only ever cursed in front of friends his own age and occasionally his parents and other adults when he was extremely pissed off. But never in front of his boyfriend’s parents or little sister.

“Benni said the _f-word_!” Kira announced excitedly to everyone. Benedikt blushed.

“ _Benni said the f-word!_ ” Mats imitated in a high pitched voice.

“Stop it, Mats. Be nice to her. This is your first warning,” Mrs. Hummels said.

Benedikt glanced towards Mats’ parents apologetically, expecting them to be disappointed in him, but they only looked amused. He set his stick down and reached for a paper towel to wipe his hands off just to have something to focus on besides his shameful slip.

“That’s a grownup word, kiddo. You can’t say it until you’re nine,” Mr. Hummels said. He was cooking two hot dogs at once, one in each hand.

Mrs. Hummels fixed Kira’s dad with a displeased expression that only intensified Benedikt’s guilt. “Don’t listen to your father, sweetheart. We don’t want you using that word _ever_. Benni said it on accident because sometimes we say things before we think about it. But Mats still isn’t allowed to use it either and he gets in trouble when he does.”

Mats cackled. “Since when? I haven’t gotten in trouble once.”

Mrs. Hummels pointed towards the tents. “That’s it. Go sit by yourself for ten minutes -- nope, don’t back talk me -- and you know exactly why. I’m tired of you being a bad influence on your sister. Do you know how many times she’s been sent to the office at school because of something that she learned to do from you?”

“Like what?” Mats wanted to know. He stood up and removed his glasses to wipe them off; he didn’t wear them often, but Benedikt thought he looked great in them.

“Don’t make me say anything in front of Benni because I will embarrass you. Now _go_.”

It was true. Kira got in trouble nearly every day at school and was now in a program where she was sent to the counselor’s office every afternoon for a private session to draw pictures, talk about feelings, and learn about the importance of following directions. The misbehavior had grown so frequent that Mr. and Mrs. Hummels had been called in for a meeting with the school social worker to supposedly discuss alternate solutions, but it really was just a ploy to find out what the hell was going on with their parenting that made her so disobedient. Between Mats’ own issues and now Kira’s, Mr. and Mrs. Hummels probably spent more time talking to school officials than they did earning a living. Kira’s mom, a part time preschool teacher, was more familiar with her daughter’s elementary school than the one she taught at.

Mats put his stick down and shuffled back towards the tents, grumbling something that sounded awfully like _but I didn’t do anything._ Benedikt felt a little bad for getting his boyfriend banished to time-out, but it was also funny to see him finally being treated like the age he acted sometimes instead of the 17-year-old was.

After Mats had left (and judging by the suspicious lack of protest, he’d most likely occupied himself with his phone), Benedikt made an effort to retrieve a fresh hot dog and warm it up properly this time because he really was quite hungry.

\-----

Mr. Hummels squinted and looked up at the gray, darkening sky. “I think it might rain tonight,” he informed everyone.

“Fantastic,” Mats replied through a mouthful of relish and hot dog. He was back in his foldable camping chair after having served his punishment. “Good thing my tent doesn’t have a giant ass rip in the ceiling.”

“Haven’t you already made that joke once today?” Mr. Hummels inquired casually, and Benedikt nearly choked on his potato chips laughing.

“I wasn’t trying to be funny! Just saying I refuse to sleep in that tent and wake up with a cold,” Mats proclaimed.

“I know! You can sleep with mommy and daddy and I can share with Benni. I don’t care about the rain. Okay, Benni?” Kira chimed in. She’d long since leapt up from her camping chair and settled into Benedikt’s lap, which surprised Benedikt because she usually preferred her brother’s or parents’ attention. It was getting cold again and indeed looked like it was about to start pouring any moment, so she’d snuggled herself against Benedikt in such a way that made it quite difficult for him to eat.

“Fine with me,” Benedikt chuckled.

“Uh. How about no,” Mats said, looking appalled at the very idea.

“That’s very sweet of you to offer, Kira, but I think we can figure something else out so no one has to sleep in the rain,” Mrs. Hummels said.

“Yeah. We can. Maybe, let’s see, I don’t know, covering the tent?” Mats said, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he pretended to think very hard.

“Hey, don’t be a smartass,” Mr. Hummels said warningly as he spread mustard over his bun. “You’re the one who was complaining about the hole but not doing anything to fix it.”

“Are there rain tarps?” Benedikt jumped in to prevent an argument, not really knowing if that was the proper terminology but it didn’t matter.

Mats’ dad frowned and shook his head. “Couldn’t find ‘em. We might have to all just try and fit in the first tent...”

Now it was Mats’ mom’s turn to make known that sharing one tent with her entire family plus her son’s boyfriend was the last thing on the planet she wanted to do. “No. That’s ridiculous. I will take the car and drive to a motel by myself if that’s what you guys decide to do.”

A light bulb of sorts went off at that point.

“Wait--”

“Is there even a motel we could get to?”

“There has to be. Pack your things up, kiddos.”

“Or we could just go home and sleep there. Poof, problem solved! The drive wouldn’t even be that much different,” Mats suggested helpfully.

“ _Mats._ ”

“What?! I’m just being realistic!”

That was a mistake on Mats’ end and Mrs. Hummels snapped, making the rest of them turn to her in shock.

“No! No. Because we’re still on vacation and I can’t understand why won’t just thank us for planning this trip instead of whining about it. You’ve been unpleasant and extremely disrespectful all weekend and your father and I have had it. Go pack your things and keep your mouth shut.”

Something flashed briefly in Mats’ eyes before he threw his plate to the side and tore off. Everyone present had witnessed Mats stomp off angrily more times than they could keep track of -- it had happened just yesterday while they were packing -- but if Mats didn’t have any bitter ramblings to go along with his departure then that meant it was bad. Kira stiffened and nearly slid off Benedikt’s lap, so he set aside his own plate to lift her back up and instinctively kept his arms around her.

“Matsi’s mad,” she whispered.

“Yep. He’ll calm down though. Don’t worry,” Benedikt said quietly even though he was unsure himself. Mats could be so unpredictable and his temper could pop out of nowhere.

Mrs. Hummels was up from her chair and busying about to collect their belongings while Mr. Hummels remained still, his head in his hand. It had also begun to sprinkle as predicted, and the sound of the fire sizzling out could be faintly heard.

“Why don’t you go ahead and pack up before it starts raining too hard, dear?” Mrs. Hummels said tersely to Benedikt.

Benedikt nodded and rubbed the small girl’s back to inform her that she needed to get off. She climbed down reluctantly, but followed Benedikt around shyly for the remainder of the time before everyone was ready to get back in the car and escape a torrential downpour.

It was easy to say that Mats’ bad moods were contagious.

\-----

By the time they were nearly ready to go, it was raining a decent amount and Benedikt had put on his cap (facing the correct way) to keep the water out of his face and his hair dry.

He swallowed a Dramamine because he didn’t know how long they’d be driving around for. The pill gave him a little more confidence in his ability to keep his hot dogs down so he politely declined when he was offered the front seat again.

Mats was acting uncharacteristically quiet. He had rejoined the group after doing as he was told, his bag repacked messily and slung over his shoulder. Before getting back in the car, he found himself pressed against the frame with a pair of familiar hands spanning his shoulders.

“What’s going on?” Benedikt murmured, keeping his voice low so Mr. and Mrs. Hummels wouldn’t pay them any attention (Kira was already settled in her booster seat, flipping through the illustrations in her Magic Tree House book because she didn’t quite feel like reading it herself right now).

Mats hung his head, letting his hair fall across his forehead and brush the frame of his glasses.

“Why are you acting like this?”

“I don’t know,” Mats mumbled. He didn’t want to look up and see the disappointment in his boyfriend’s face right now. He also didn’t want to admit that yes, he _had_ been acting like a total brat all weekend, especially to his parents, and he actually felt terrible about it. Because despite Benni’s tolerance for him which never seemed to end even though he’d blown through all his chances, there was something worse about seeing your parents hurt by something you’d said or done than simply having them angry. Anger was something Mats could deal with. When other people were hurt or upset was when he began to realize what effect his actions really did have.

But that was all too complicated to explain. Sulking was always an easier option.

“Hey, Mats? Talk to me. I know something’s bothering you.” Benni moved his hands lower down Mats’ arms and nudged his leg.

Mats then looked up, automatically pushing his hair back. Here Benni was, being all nice to him and treating him like he was breakable when all he really deserved was a smack in the face. It was annoying. Maybe the only reason he was still such a jerk most of the time was because of Benni. Why would Benni need to ask what was bothering him? Because he was a fucking unhelpful idiot, that’s why.

“Get off me,” Mats growled. He disengaged himself easily from Benedikt and ignored the shock on the blonde’s face before jumping in the car and slamming the door behind him.


	7. A New Place to Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The drive to the motel and the beginnings of what happens there.

Benedikt was relieved this time around to have Kira in between Mats and himself, even if there was a crunch for space.

No one really spoke in the car. Both of Mats’ parents were clearly a bit rattled; the only exchanges they made were to discuss directions. Mats looked at his phone the whole time until he ran out of battery, to which he reacted by heaving an enormous sigh and making a show to lean forward and rest his forehead on the back of the seat in front of him. Kira studied her book, rubbing her tired eyes continuously and Benedikt just absorbed in all that was taking place around him. His neck was still stiff from how he’d slept for the majority of last night and his face still felt like it was being prodded with safety pins, but at least he wasn’t nauseous this time around.

The rain was pounding against the roof and windows of the car now, providing some relief from the uncomfortable silence. It was also dark and rather late. Mrs. Hummels, in the driver’s seat, had switched the brights on and the windshield wipers were swishing back and forth at full force. How long had they been driving? Benedikt was trying to calculate the time they’d been on the road when all of a sudden --

“I have a joke,” Mats proclaimed. He sat up.

“We don’t want to hear it,” Mats’ mom responded flatly.

“Who’s the--”

“Stop,” Mats’ dad ordered, putting an end to it.

At one point, it was necessary to pull over and wait for the rain to let up a little because it was getting dangerous to drive, especially in the mountains. It was after this had happened that Kira tapped Benedikt’s arm and asked him to read aloud, because for some reason sitting in a car that isn’t going anywhere makes you a lot more antsy than sitting in one that’s moving.

So Benedikt read, and it his voice that was filling the car now. He didn’t like Jack and Annie as much as he had liked Junie B., but the historical aspect of the book regarding mummies and pyramids was interesting even if it was aimed towards someone of Kira’s age. He knew that he’d be getting a big fat headache if he kept on reading as soon as the car started moving again, but that he could deal with if it meant having something to focus on besides Mats’ stupid drama. He also knew that in a normal situation, he’d be interrupted every ten seconds by either a Hummels parent or son with a totally unwarranted comment, but no one was very talkative tonight and that was the only reason he could actually put a dent in the chapter. After a couple minutes, Kira had manage to twist around in her seat to nestle against Benedikt’s side and peer over at the illustrations, chewing on the straw of a chocolate milk she’d been drinking.

He’d forgotten how draining reading aloud was, how thirsty it made you. Benedikt cleared his throat before having a long drink of water and was about to carry on when Mats interrupted and asked if they could listen to music, which was pretty much bitch code for ‘shut up, Benedikt.’

Benedikt shot Mats a glare but held his tongue because he didn’t want to make any smart remarks in front of Mats’ parents or young sister. If Mats was going to be a dick, then Benedikt was going to be a dick right back. He was tired of being treated like dirt. He was almost certain Mrs. Hummels would be able to decode Mats’ request and say something about it, so he was surprised when she didn’t and Mr. Hummels began flipping through the radio. Maybe they thought that Benedikt had been done reading, or they simply hadn’t been paying attention because they never would’ve shut down Benedikt like that, especially when he was dedicating his time to make their impressionable daughter happy.

All the stations were fuzzy, but Benedikt marked the page and gave the book back to Kira anyway.

“Keep going,” she encouraged. She clutched the thin paperback tightly in her small hands, looking up endearingly at Benedikt.

“Maybe later,” Benedikt replied glumly. He didn’t want to admit that his feelings were hurt over something this minimal, but they were. Mats couldn’t stand the sound of his voice right now. That’s what he was implying.

“Nothing. Wait till we get out of the mountains for a signal,” Mr. Hummels said listlessly before shutting the radio off and leaning back in his seat again. Mrs. Hummels tutted.

Silence filled the car once more. Benedikt leaned his head against the window. It was uncomfortable because it kept rattling and bumping around, but he left it there anyway. Seriously, what was _wrong_ with his boyfriend? How could someone dislike themselves so much that they felt the need to take their own unhappiness out on other people, and people who loved him at that?

\-----

“Gotta go potty,” Kira let everyone know after a good ten minutes of dead silence, giving everyone in the car a mini heart attack. Mats and Benedikt had both fallen into sleepy trances in the backseat as it was quite late and it had been a long day.

“Can you hold it? We’re almost there, honey,” Mrs. Hummels said quietly.

“NO!” Kira yelled. She shook her head so viciously that she whipped Benedikt’s arm with her long curls.

“I’m hungry. Let’s get off at the next exit and stop at a gas station,” Mr. Hummels said, slipping his glasses on to begin reading the road signs. It was still raining pretty heavily and the fact that it was nearing eleven o’clock at night didn’t help either. Though it did seem as if they’d returned to some level of society as the roads were flattening again, there were stoplights and traffic signs blurred by the rain, other cars, and billboards lining the edges of the dark farms along the highway.

“Okay. As long as you’re fast because I am exhausted and I want to get checked in and go to sleep,” Mrs. Hummels gave in. “Can you boys take Kira to use the bathroom while daddy gets something to eat?”

“I’d be happy to,” Benedikt replied politely.

Mats hesitated and sighed. “Fine.”

Benedikt’s own stomach was feeling a bit empty; the hot dog dinner had been hours ago, but just when he decided he wasn’t going to cause more delay by announcing that he was hungry as well, his stomach gave an enormous rumble. Mats snorted and muttered something that Benedikt couldn’t make out; perhaps that was best for now.

Mrs. Hummels addressed her husband by his first name. “And pick up something for Benni, too. Clearly we haven’t been feeding that poor boy enough. He’s very active. What did you say your 5K time was again, dear?”

Benedikt blushed and shuffled his feet around. He’d never told Mats’ parents his 5K time because he didn’t really like to brag, but he supposed Mats had gone ahead and told them at some point because they always liked to inquire about his running.

“Uh...my time at districts was 16:37. It wasn’t my best but--I mean, I guess it was pretty good--Well, the courses are different so it depends...”

Mats laughed openly and something seared within Benedikt. _Why was Mats being such a jerk?_

“Wow. I probably couldn’t even keep up with you for a quarter mile,” Mrs. Hummels noted, impressed.

“Wish Mats would take up running or something. Then maybe he’d stop doing so much pot,” Mr. Hummels said dreamily. His daydream was short lived however as Mrs. Hummels was soon hissing something about referencing Mats’ bad habits in front of their daughter.

“I told you I was going to join a sport or something, leave me alone,” Mats grumbled, and it ticked Benedikt’s nerve a little. Mats’ situation was the exact opposite of his own. Mats’ parents were desperate for him to participate in something while Benedikt’s parents were still pretty clueless as to what was going on in their own son’s life -- though they were getting better, Benedikt had to admit. Maybe, Benedikt thought, that was the reason why he felt so awkward talking about himself to Mats’ parents. He wished he could feel more comfortable, especially since he’d known them for months and had spent countless hours with them, but perhaps that simply wasn’t enough to make up for a whole lifetime of not being used to it. For that same reason, he didn’t like to sing in front of others unless he was close with them. Benedikt had a great voice but his favorite time to use it was alone in the shower or together with other singers in choir.

“I REALLY HAVE TO GO NOW!” Kira shouted (without screaming because that wasn’t allowed), bringing everyone’s attention back to her and creating a sense of urgency throughout the car. Everyone was wide awake again, that was for sure.

\-----

Mats, Benedikt, and Kira sprinted through the rain towards the gas station while Mr. Hummels followed at a leisurely pace (Mrs. Hummels agreed to stay behind and pump gas). Despite their haste, all three of them were soaked by the time they stepped inside and Benedikt had acquired the key to the bathrooms from a toothless, bored looking man behind the register.

They had to go back outside, behind the dumpsters to be precise, to get to the bathrooms (Benedikt was grateful that he was still wearing his cap). To say the location was creepy would be an understatement, let alone at this hour.

Benedikt unlocked the door to the ladies’ room then ushered Kira in. “Go, go, go,” he said, closing the door behind her after she’d scampered in, already starting to tug down her leggings.

Mats took one look inside the adjacent men’s room and his eyes went wide with horror. He looked as though he’d seen hell and back. He needed to piss, but he’d much rather have to go behind a bush or in a bottle or something than go in _there_. The rumors about gas station bathrooms were apparently true, and he was genuinely concerned for Kira’s welfare in there.

“I wouldn’t go in there if I were you,” he warned Benedikt, who was lounging against the dirty brick wall.

Benedikt nodded curtly, refusing to forgive Mats’ coldness towards him earlier. Still, it was difficult to stay mad at Mats while the two of them were just standing out there in the rain in a gas station parking lot, waiting for Kira to finish up. The two of them made eye contact for a moment before Benedikt broke it, Kira having emerged.

“Did you wash your hands, little bee?” Mats asked her.

“There was no soap,” Kira said, shrugging.

Mats sighed. “Alright. Just don’t dig up your nose or anything because there are probably hundreds of diseases crawling around your hands as we speak just from being in there.”

Kira froze and made a face. “Eewwwwww!”

“I have some hand sanitizer in my bag, you’ll be fine,” Benedikt assured her with a smile and she positively lit up at his offer, scurrying over to give him a hug before recalling that she probably shouldn’t touch anything right now.

Mats then pointed out that they were just standing there soaking in the rain like morons, so the three of them sprinted back for the car.

“Race you!” Kira called gleefully.

Benedikt pretended to run very fast but let her win in the end, worried that if he actually tried not only would she be upset but she might trip and fall on the asphalt. Mats trotted in behind with a well-deserved DFL.

Once settled in the car (Benedikt having already given Kira a dollop of sanitizer), Mats found a blanket in the trunk and tossed it over the three of them, Benedikt included. Mrs. Hummels turned up the heat since everyone was drenched and cold from the rain while Mr. Hummels inspected and passed out the treats he purchased for everyone.

“Cinnamon buns. Kept extra fresh by the oven box they sit in from the day they’re made until someone buys ‘em,” he revealed, digging around inside the paper bag he’d received.

It was a pretty good cinnamon bun for a gas station in a small mountain town, Benedikt had to admit. Even if it was a little gooey and flavorless, it was far better than nothing.

The sweet aroma of cinnamon and icing filled the car and now that he was both satisfied from the late night snack and warm underneath the blanket, Benedikt became sleepy once more. He was drifting in and out by the time Mrs. Hummels pulled into the motel, the neon lit sign making his eyes ache. He squinted through the brightness to evaluate his surroundings.

Benedikt was only half awake as he extracted his bag from the trunk, waited for Mr. Hummels to check in, and followed everyone else up a flight of moldy stairs and back outside onto a balcony. Mr. Hummels had rented out two rooms because each room only had one double bed, so Mats and Benedikt were sent to one room with their own keycard and Mats’ parents and Kira disappeared into another after a brief exchange of goodnights and ‘behave yourselves, boys’.

As soon as he set foot alone in the room with Mats, Benedikt felt instantly wide awake.

The room was chilly and dark and smelled faintly of cigarettes. Mats tossed his bag onto an armchair and switched on a lamp while Benedikt set his own bag by the foot of the bed and began to peel the damp clothing off his skin (he had planned on taking a shower, especially since he’d used bug spray tonight which made his skin itchy, but that would have to wait until tomorrow morning). He felt goosebumps rising as soon as the air hit his skin.

Benedikt made sure to keep his back to Mats as he heard the other boy shuffling around, getting ready for bed. As he put on new boxers, sweatpants and a dry t-shirt, he listened to Mats using the toilet and washing his hands. Next, he heard Mats brushing his teeth. The sink came back on and he assumed the curly haired boy was washing his face. Then, he heard Mats moving and clanking things around for a long time...and it wasn’t until the sound of the hair dryer of all things went on that Benedikt realized his boyfriend was merely stalling so he wouldn’t get a turn in the bathroom.

“Well, fuck you too,” Benedikt muttered angrily under his breath. He collapsed onto the bed, making sure to take up the whole damn thing, and slammed a pillow over his head to block out the dim lighting.

Ten minutes later, Mats emerged from the bathroom and turned off the lights in the room.

“Move over.”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” Benedikt said shortly into his pillow.

“Move over or I’ll move you myself,” Mats demanded.

Benedikt said nothing and didn’t move. Next thing he knew, he was being easily rolled over onto one side of the bed.

“Now stay there or I swear I’ll push you off. You’ve already pissed me off enough today.”

That’s when Benni shot up, the pillow flying halfway across the room. “What the hell did I ever do to you?! I tried to talk to you earlier because I knew you were upset and you told me to go away! You’re the one who has a problem!”

“Stop shouting. Everyone can hear you,” Mats hissed.

Benedikt lowered his voice but not his anger. “Don’t you dare try to act like your anger issues are my fault.”

“Yeah, but it is your fault because you bring it upon yourself. You treat me the same no matter what I do,” Mats stated calmly.

Benedikt rubbed his lips together as he got up to retrieve the pillow then settled back in bed, making sure to situate himself on the very edge so he was practically falling off and facing away from Mats. He heard the sheets rustling as Mats adjusted himself.

“What do you mean?” Benedikt asked wearily after a while. His eyelids were heavy and he was sleepy once again.

“You encourage me to be a dick. It’s your fault. You like to make me look bad to feel better about yourself,” Mats said, his voice cold as ice.

Benedikt squeezed his eyes shut. Mats kept going.

“You think you’re helping me but you haven’t fucking helped me at all. The only reason you’re still in this relationship is because you can’t find anyone else to have power over. You’re weak and you’re lame.”

“And you’re deluded. Go back to therapy,” Benedikt snapped.

“I think you’re the one who needs therapy, actually.”

Benedikt sighed. “Look, Mats, I know you’re insecure and frustrated but you’re only lying to yourself. You’re not making me feel bad, so you can save your breath. And if I were you I’d stop insulting me now because you’re going to regret this tomorrow morning.”

“Whatever, I’m going to sleep. And please try not to snore so much because it’s really annoying,” Mats said tonelessly.

“Asshole,” Benedikt muttered under his breath, more to himself than to Mats.

Nothing more was said and Benedikt dropped out cold soon after, far too exhausted to let the conversation interrupt his sleep and to be picky about the grainy sheets and pillows, stale air and creaky rumbling of the vent by the window.

\-----

At some point during the night, Benedikt woke up. He still felt unrested and heavy, and he was confused about his surroundings for a couple of seconds before he realized he was in a motel and had to pee badly, and that’s what had woken him up.

He stumbled into the bathroom, blinking against the light as he turned it on, and neither cared nor noticed that Mats had, once again, not bothered to lift the toilet seat up. He was still half-dreaming, after all. Blurred, dark images and incongruent thoughts danced around in his mind.

Benedikt shivered and rubbed his arms as he finished up and climbed back into bed. As soon as he was settled back in and still and quiet once more, that’s when he figured out he was not the only one who wasn’t sleeping soundly throughout the entire night.

\-----

Mats, in fact, hadn’t been sleeping at all. He should’ve been because he’d been functioning on just a few hours sleep and that was probably why he had been so nasty to Benni. Because everything that had come out of his mouth was complete bullshit. He knew it, Benni knew it, and anyone else listening would most likely know it too.

For the second night in a row, he had watched and listened as his boyfriend slept. At some point after falling asleep, Benedikt had rolled to his other side and curled up into a ball, the edge of the cover fluttering every time he exhaled, and this time Mats could not help himself in slipping a timid kiss to his forehead. The snoring was worse tonight and it occurred to Mats that maybe it was Benni’s stress levels that affected it because if he recalled correctly, on the only other night they slept together back in September there hadn’t been much snoring at all.

 _I’m a very stressful boyfriend,_ Mats concluded.

Benedikt snuffled, coughed, then was quiet again for a good amount of time before he started up again and that’s when the full force of everything finally hit Mats.

He felt horrible. He was a shitty person who treated other people horribly and enjoyed doing it. Benedikt could only be brainwashed to stay with him.

Mats felt uncomfortably warm even though the room was on the cooler side. He tossed and turned around for a long time and moans came out of his mouth. Was he dreaming or was he still conscious?

“Mats!” Someone was shaking him awake.

Mats fell through to reality and there was Benni right in front of him, unblinking and his tired face etched with concern. Even though the only sources of light were from outside and spilling from under the bathroom door, Mats could still tell that Benni’s sunburn was peeling a little bit.

“What was that all about?” Benedikt asked, his voice thick with sleep and sadness.

What _had_ that all been about? Mats closed his eyes to remember his dream.

It was about Benedikt, and all the awful things he’d said and done to him. His parents and what a lame excuse for a son he was. Going to the doctor. Going to the hospital. His sister. His brother.

He opened his eyes again. The sheets were twisted up all around his sticky body and the cover was kicked to the foot of the bed. Great, he’d been thrashing about. And sweating. He felt something wet trickle down from his hairline past his brow bone. He could only hope that he hadn’t been yelling, too. His heart was also beating really fast.

“A nightmare,” Mats finally grumbled. How humiliating...He lifted the sheet over his face to wipe the perspiration off and kept it there because he was embarrassed even if it was really hot and he wanted the fresh air.

“Don’t be embarrassed. It’s just me,” Benni said mildly. He pulled the sheets away from Mats’ face and left his hands there. One hand he used to push Mats’ damp hair away from his face, and with the other he just traced small circles into Mats’ cheek with his thumb.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

“No.”

“Can we talk anyway? I think we need to.”

“Okay. I need a Coke though.”

Benedikt nodded. His hands fell still and for a while nothing happened. Then he shifted slightly and scooted closer to wrap his arms around Mats’ clammy body. It was harder since they were both laying down but Benni somehow made it work, and Mats cuddled into his shoulder while Benni trailed his fingers up and down his back. It seemed like it had been forever since he’d last held Mats against him and he missed the cozy feeling it brought. But he hated how the only reason they ever shared moments like this was if one of them needed it.

He almost fell asleep again. It would’ve been so easy with Mats’ warmth and comfort blocking out the less than exquisite quality of the grimy motel room. Right now it felt easy to pretend that things were okay, but they weren’t. They had a lot to talk about and if they ignored it now, it would be even easier to forget about it in the morning.

“Ready to talk?” Benedikt asked gently.

“Mhm,” Mats mumbled back. Benedikt could feel the vibrations of Mats’ voice through his chest. “Let me go grab a Coke.”

“I don’t think you should have any caffeine. You need to sleep. Look at how you’ve been acting lately,” Benedikt responded, a ghost of his normal bossy self trying to push through.

As if Mats needed another reminder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long to post! I had a couple free days where I planned on writing, but I got sick and wasn't feeling well enough to do much of anything :/
> 
> Anyway, this thing is almost over, pretty sure Chapter 10 will be it! But I promise, all the fun is only about to start now ;)


	8. Talking and More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The peak of the mountain. Or rock bottom of the valley. However you wanna view it.
> 
> Benedikt and Mats have their little 'chat'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curious as to what you will think of this chapter. If you've been quiet thus far, now's the best time to peep up because shit is about to get real.
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who's been reading! 2 more chapters to go after this one.

Mats left the room to visit the soda machine in the lobby. He would’ve gotten a Coke against Benni’s wishes, but the machine was poorly stocked so he went with a Sprite instead. It definitely wasn’t his favorite; the flavor was far too thin. But the carbonation was what he craved right now so it would have to do.

When he got back upstairs, Benni had already freshened up in the bathroom and moisturized his face and was now pulling on a hoodie, but not quickly enough for Mats to miss the fresh scratch spanning the back of his hand.

Mats’ heart sunk. “That was me, wasn’t it.”

Benni jumped a little, not realizing that Mats had come back. He turned around hastily, still in the process of tightening the strings from the hood so it would stay on his head. “You were having a nightmare, it wasn’t your fault.”

Mats cringed at the fact that he really had been flailing around like a maniac and that he’d accidentally hurt his boyfriend because of it. But what made him cringe even more was something else Benni had said.

_’It wasn’t your fault.’_

So now Benni actually believed it, too. Nothing was ever Mats’ fault. Mats didn’t have any responsibility for his own actions. Everything was somebody else’s fault.

Even if it was an accident, that didn’t mean it still wasn’t his fault. It was his own fault that he had a nightmare in the first place. If he hadn’t been such a scumbag in the first place, he wouldn’t have had a bad dream about it.

“Let’s go outside,” Benni suggested.

“Alright.”

Benedikt grabbed the keycard before leaving the room for the corridor, where he leaned against the rickety railing overlooking the parking lot not too far below. This town, wherever it was, was absolutely lifeless at night, a halfhearted attempt at civilization out at the edge of the mountains. It made Benedikt feel a lot worse than he already did. Still, it was kind of pretty in a way.

“We have problems,” Benedikt said as soon as he felt Mats next to him.

Mats took a minute to answer as he was noisily drinking his soda. He gulped satisfactorily, twisted the cap back on and dropped the empty bottle over the railing, where it spun around in an empty parking spot before settling down. “No shit.”

“Do you have anything to say to me besides that?” Benni asked. His voice was shaking dangerously. He was holding onto the railing so hard that he could feel the rust boring into his palms.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m not good at these things,” Mats said lamely.

“Just tell me how you feel. Be honest. Should I remind you of the things you said to me before I fell asleep?” Benni was getting testy.

 _Be honest._ “Okay. Don’t get mad at me cause I’m gonna be honest. I know I shouldn’t but I get annoyed with you because you treat me the same no matter what I do, so there’s no reason for me to be better. It’s like you don’t really care what I do, you just want me to keep doing it so you still--”

“Do you want to tell me again that I don’t care what you do?!”

Mats ignored the blatant evidence in that Benni’s cheeks were now wet, and not only that but everything before it. The stress snoring, Benni’s frustration in general at the things that Mats did. Instead of acknowledging all this, he ignored his boyfriend as if he hadn’t said a word and finished what he had to say. “--so you still have control over me.”

_SMACK._

Mats stumbled back, more out of shock than because of the force. He was trying to gather himself again as Benni spat out words at him. The side of his head throbbed painfully, and he was painfully aware of the fact that a door at the end of the concrete walkway had swung open, probably because of the amount of noise they were making.

“Get inside,” he growled, taking Benni roughly and shoving him back in the room before slamming the door behind them.

“Okay, now scream at me all you want! Go ahead. You told me to be honest and I was, so this is what I get. Do it!” Mats exclaimed, meaning it. This was exactly what he deserved and it felt great to finally be reaping the rewards for his actions.

But Benni didn’t scream. He sat down on the edge of the bed and crossed his arms. He took a deep breath and lifted an arm to scrub his cheeks with his palm.

“I shouldn’t have hit you.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“Me too. I shouldn’t have hit your head though.”

“I’m glad you hit my head.”

Benedikt sniffled hard. “I hope it hurts a lot.”

“It does,” Mats fibbed. He sat down on the stained carpet by Benedikt’s feet.

“Good. Mats, I think I need to end this relationship with you.”

Something caught in Mats’ throat. Benedikt had to be pulling his leg.

He’d been expecting what he deserved, anxious to receive it even, but was _that_ really what he deserved of all things? And now what should he do about it? Should he try to stop Benni or accept his decision? Would things get worse if he accepted the verdict without protest because that would be implying he didn’t care?

He didn’t need to make a choice either way, however, because Benni kept talking. He sounded absolutely drained.

“The reason I’ve stayed with you this long, even though you keep torturing me, is because I keep waiting for the good Mats to come back. I know he’s there and I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. But I can’t stand the bad Mats. You’re mean to me, you say hurtful things, you go out of your way to make me feel awful. And let me tell you, it does work Mats. You make me feel worthless. No one should be treated like this by another person regardless of whether they’re dating or not. But I kept putting up with it because for a while, it was worth it. I’ve seen an amazing side of you and I know what an incredible person you can be. The reason I’m putting an end to it now is because I realize now that you’re never going to change. You’re an angry, insecure, unconfident person who thrives on seeing other people sink lower than you, that’s the only way you’re happy is when you think someone else has it worse. Don’t feel guilty about that. It’s human nature and we all do it at least once, but I’m just tired of being your target. There’s only so much one guy can handle. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ll miss you and I’ll probably always love you, but I know better than to keep letting myself be beat down to feel like nothing. I hope that one day you can stop hating yourself so much. That’s the only way things will ever change. I wish I’d been able to help you but obviously I couldn’t, and for that I’m really sorry.”

Mats stayed quiet. He didn’t know what he should do, or say or think. Benedikt was crying silently now, and Mats didn’t know whether he was supposed to cry too or if he didn’t have the right to be upset cause it was all true. He didn’t know if he should comfort Benni or leave him alone since they weren’t boyfriends anymore.

He thought about it for a while. What would a decent person do to another person if they weren’t dating? A decent person would probably try to help the other person feel better without being too invasive. So Mats got up, entered the bathroom, and still didn’t know what to do. He’d found himself in plenty of situations like this and every single time he had run away. In fact, the last time this had happened with Benedikt, Mats had quite literally run away and ended up being chased down by the police.

He could see Benedikt’s back from here, his shoulders were curled over and quaking and he had his arms wrapped tightly around his stomach. He hated seeing Benni like that. It made his own eyes well up with tears, but this wasn’t about him. This was about Benni, his Benni, and what Mats had done to him. He was the one to cause this so he was not allowed to be selfish right now. He could hate himself all he wanted later, but it was time to think of someone else for a change, and who better than someone he loved?

He snatched a handful of tissues from underneath the sink before heading back to the other boy.

“Here,” he said awkwardly, dumping the now crumpled tissues into Benni’s lap. They were also damp because Mats’ palms were sweating like a pig. Several of them fell to the floor and Benedikt didn’t touch the ones that stayed.

“How can someone with his head so far up his ass be so self loathing?” Benedikt wanted to know.

 _Good question,_ thought Mats. He sat down on the bed awkwardly and reminded himself that as of precisely sixty seconds ago, Benedikt Höwedes was no longer his boyfriend.

He decided to take matters into his own hands. He took a tissue and nudged it into Benedikt’s hand. Benedikt took it and swiped at his runny eyes.

What else were you supposed to do to help someone feel better? What had Benni always done for him?

_’Do you want to tell me about it?’_

And then there was something else Benni had said, long ago, back when they were still trying to get that stupid project done.

 _Sometimes it helps to talk about things and other times it doesn’t. It’s okay._ This had been right after Mats had shattered about half a dozen of Benni’s parents’ dishes.

But Benni had already talked about everything he needed to. Maybe that meant it was Mats’ turn to respond now.

“Hey, Benni?”

Benedikt took his time to answer. He had a headache, his eyes were sore and puffy, and it was probably about two in the morning by now. “Yeah.”

Mats rubbed his sweaty hands on his knees, looking anywhere but at his boyf -- ex-boyfriend.

“I respect your decision to break up with me. But I was just wondering if--”

“No. We can’t ‘just be friends’ either. That defeats the whole purpose of why I’m doing this in the first place. Why would you be any different as a friend?” Benedikt read his mind.

Mats blinked back and swallowed the manifestations of disappointment. He hadn’t been expecting anything good, but it was still hard to hear.

“Well, will you let me say goodbye to you then?”

“What? Say goodbye? I’m not dying, I just don’t want to--”

“Benni, Benni, Benni…” Mats muttered, shaking his head.

“Why are you saying my name like that? Stop trying to guilt trip me, it’s not going to work because I’ve made up my mind and this is the best thing for both of us. I need to surround myself with better people, I get the message enough at home that I’m a waste of space, believe me, I don’t need it coming from you too, and you need to learn how to control yourself. I know you don’t enjoy being a dick, you’ve said it yourself, so you need to--”

“Benedikt! Will you shut up for once and just listen to what I have to say?! You’re not my mother, just shut up and stop telling me what I need to do!” Mats cut in forcefully. He found himself on his feet for some reason.

“Well, it’s--”

“Good Lord, just shut up!” Mats bit his lip and inhaled through his nose, reminding himself to stay calm. It wasn’t like there was anything else to lose now that he’d already lost Benni. But it could always still get worse. “Listen to me, I think it’s about time I tell you all the things I never did cause I thought I wouldn’t need to.”

“And why’s that?” Benni yawned.

Mats sat back down, this time with his back against the headboard and his legs stretched out so his feet were inches away from Benni’s butt. He sighed.

“Look, first off, stop saying those things about your parents. Second, it’s because I didn’t think we would break up so I was in no rush to say them. Ready?”

“No. Not really. I’m done with this conversation, I really just want to go to sleep. I’ve had it. I’m sorry, maybe we can say our closing words tomorrow. Goodnight,” Benni said impatiently.

“Okay,” Mats said, ignoring the stinging in his heart. This didn’t feel real. It couldn’t be. It had to all just be a dream. “Do you want me to, uh, sleep on the floor? Or in the bathroom?”

“I couldn’t care less where you sleep. Just kiss me, you dweeb.”

And Mats couldn’t argue with that. Benni was next to him now, so Mats leaned over and found his lips before either of them could overthink it. It tasted salty, but otherwise it was the same as any other kiss they’d shared, if not a bit more desparate. Before either of them knew it, Benni was on Mats’ lap and clawing at the other boy’s neck and shoulders, his own hood having tumbled off a long time ago, and Mats’ hands were seated under his ass. And then Mats realized that Benni was giggling. He pulled away, blushing a little at the smacking noise that happened.

“What’s so funny, you?” Mats asked, giving a quick squeeze to Benni’s behind and forgetting for a moment everything that had happened previously. But it all came back when it hit him that Benni’s laughter was both sad and sort of maniacal, not happy or humorous.

Benni stopped laughing and looked down then, a shy grin on his lips. That same bashful grin that Benni had always given him before he got the other boy to open up more.

“Why did we just do that?” Mats was getting suspicious, the elation in his chest leaving as quickly as it came.

“Because I love kissing you. I needed to do it one last time. It reminds me why I had a crush on you in the first place. You’re a real looker, I hope you know that. And I hope whoever the next lucky chosen one is gets out of this trap way faster than I did.”

Mats’ mouth fell open. In the time that he was trying to interpret what Benni just said, the blonde had already scrambled off of him back to his own side of the bed, leaving an icy gap in more than one place.

“As if I could ever get out of it…” Benedikt mumbled after a long while. Mats wasn’t sure that he was intended to hear that. Either way, it didn’t matter.

Mats scooted forward off the headboard and lay his head down on the pillow, facing the other boy.

“Come here.”

Benedikt did as he was told, inching closer to Mats so they could share lips a second time. But this time was nothing but fast, sweet and easily forgettable. A quick brush of noses and that was it.

Benni fell asleep soon after. Mats tried his best to pretend that the other boy wasn’t gravitating away from him towards the edge of the bed, but it was purely wistful thinking.

Mats was exhausted too, but his head was reeling too much to be able to catch up on the sleep he so desperately needed. So he got up and wandered around for a bit (he may or may not have tucked Benni into the covers multiple times as he passed by). When he got bored of that, he dug around in the drawers and located a notepad and pen with the motel’s logo on it.

He got an idea.

\-----

And the next morning, all was easily attributed to being an awful, awful dream. It was hard to ball up and refuse to function normally when none of it felt real.

Benedikt cringed when he looked at himself in the mirror the next morning. His hair was a matted mess. His eyes were red and swollen and his lips were bruised with teeth marks, not to mention his cheeks still stained with tears, raw and irritable. On the plus side, however, his sunburn was looking a lot better and he was reenergized from sleeping.

A shower was a definite part of today’s itinerary, but again it would have to be put off; Benedikt had been informed by an ecstatic Kira that they were going to the pool after breakfast before hitting the road. So he ran his fingers through his hair as best he could, rinsed all the gunk off his face, and brushed his teeth.

It was hard to ignore Mats’ sleeping form as he left the bathroom to change into a pair of athletic shorts for the pool. The curly haired boy was sprawled across the bed, his mouth hanging wide open and his limbs all over the place. He looked as if he needed the extra sleep -- Benedikt wouldn’t wake him up. Besides, Benedikt really didn’t want to be there to witness it when Mats woke up only to slowly remember everything unpleasant that had taken place last night. He might want a little privacy.

Just as Benedikt was switching out his sweatshirt for a green jacket that zipped up all the way to his chin (Mats always liked to tease him about it), he saw something out of the corner of his eye on top of the dresser.

It was a piece of paper with a block of familiar handwriting on it. Benedikt snatched it up and began reading against everything that was begging him not to.

 

 

> _Benni, it’s late and I’m writing this because you just broke up with me and I’m still hoping I’ll wake up and this will all be another part of the same nightmare but I don’t think it is._

 

So last night had been real indeed.

He felt uncoordinated all of a sudden, his ears rang and his head felt cold. He sat down, the paper still held precariously between his fingers, and chewed on his bottom lip. He ignored every burning desire he had to wake Mats up and tell him it was all a mistake, a radical decision made late at night based off nothing but the heat of the moment. If Mats would go to the trouble to write this -- no, it was all wrong. Benedikt shouldn’t have to hit him and threaten to end their relationship in order to be appreciated.

Benedikt continued to read, Mats’ already sloppy handwriting getting messier and more frantic as it went on, with things crossed out and ink smeared all over the place:

 

 

> _Don’t think this is gonna be me trying to change your mind because I got what I deserved. Find someone better than me, but I don’t want you to think I didn’t love you and care about you because I did. I’m the one with the problem, not you. Well, you were a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes but who isn’t? I could go on but that’s not what’s important right now, what’s important is that you know what you did for me so maybe this whole thing wasn’t pointless after all._
> 
> _Let’s see, I’ll start from the beginning...Did I even know I liked guys? Who knows, I don’t know, I never really thought about it because whenever I saw you I didn’t think “oh he’s a dude” I just thought along this: wow he is really cute, too bad he’ll never look twice at me except to throw me looks of disgust. I didn’t like guys, I liked you, put it that way. I always admired you and wished I could be like you, hardworking, nice, brave, etc and not a useless coward but that’s impossible. I was jealous of you cause you always got so much attention cause you were such a fucking crybaby, sorry but it was true. I never understood how you weren’t afraid to always let people know exactly how you felt, that shit makes me uncomfortable, I don’t know how you do it Benni. Anyway...I did stupid things in middle school to get your attention, that’s why I always tried to hit you in dodgeball and steal your shit and try to trip you down the stairs and shit because what else was I supposed to do. I kinda gave up in hs because I discovered weed and I was just like oh fuck it, just got high every day and shitfaced every weekend. I still do it but not as much as I used to and I think I only have an F in chem now thanks to you, I actually bother to show the fuck up to see you._
> 
> _Okay then we got assigned to do that project together and that’s when I had to admit to myself that I liked you. I always tried to convince myself before that I hated you because you would never like me and you were a stuck up whiny annoying prick (sorry it’s true but still cute). Whatever I don’t have to go through all that again, fuck I don’t even know why I’m writing this but I don’t know what else to do right now cause it doesn’t feel real. I think I just want to get my point across that yes, I love you, and yes you changed me as a person. I don’t know if I can explain why I love you, I can’t help it, it wasn’t a choice I made it just happened. I could go on and on, let’s see, I love how you always sing quietly without even noticing you’re doing it (truth). How you frown and twitch your nose when you’re concentrating on something (truth). And even the way you pet my hair like I was your pet or something. But okay this isn’t about me and what I like, this is about you and what you did for me. Everyone always was something like: “oh it’s Mats he’s a troublemaker don’t bother with him leave him alone” so I just did whatever the fuck I wanted, I was gonna grow up to be a really unhappy person cause I didn’t know any better. But you came along somehow, still don’t know how I got that lucky, and you actually cared about me and what I did. You yelled at me and got pissed at me, you also were my friend and made me feel like I was worth something. When I saw how my actions affected you was when I realized that I’m a person in this world and have to act like one. I know I frustrated you and treated you badly, I could say I’m sorry but what does that even mean now, you have to know that you did help me a lot. It may not seem like I’ve changed much but I think I have on the inside. Thank you for being my boyfriend, thanks for loving me back and making me feel like I mattered and giving me something to fight for (you). I’ll still fight for you, okay. See you tomorrow, maybe things will change by then. I don’t know. Sorry. I’m just being honest. Okay I’m really tired now and I feel like dying. Okay bye._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo? :D


	9. The Next Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast, swimming, showering, and plenty of fluff and drama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you so much for all of your comments on the last chapter. I was really surprised by all the nice things you had to say and it was great to see what you thought about the whole situation, so I went into this chapter feeling extra motivated! Which is probably how it ended up being so long cause I tried to include some of the things you mentioned. I hope I can redeem myself at least a little from the last chapter :)
> 
> On a side note: Thanks to [MRXI](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarlettMadridista/pseuds/MRXI), who has been a great encouragement for me as I write. She's writing her own high school AU and I recommend you check it out if you want to witness Götzeus, Schweinski, and all the other usual suspects fumbling their way through friendships, coursework, and crushes!

From: Manu  
How’s camping going?

To: Manu  
It’s going

From: Manu  
Uh oh

To: Manu  
I was carsick on the ride here, smoked pot on the first night, then it started raining so we’re at a motel and Mats and I flipped a shit on each other and broke up

From: Manu  
Yikes

To: Manu  
I want to come home

From: Manu  
Is everything ok? Call me if you need to

To: Manu  
Not really. I’ll call later, I have to go eat breakfast now

From: Manu  
Anytime. I’m your friend, don’t forget that

He and Manuel were very similar, Benedikt realized. They were both too quick to open their mouths and immediately regret whatever came out of it. Maybe that’s why they were such good friends. It was easy for them to understand each other.

 

* * *

 

Talk about crimes of passion. He’d given up on something that was still worth fighting for, that’s exactly what he’d done. He loved Mats, and Mats loved him. Mats was perhaps the only person to ever make him feel loved. Well, besides Manuel. But friendship is more of a choice. Mats loved him unconditionally.

Benedikt remembered how Mats had held him and let him bawl like a child for no less than two hours the day he’d found out the truth about his parents. How Mats had told him that it might not be okay now, but it would be okay later.

_“How much later?” Benedikt had asked miserably as he examined the package of gummy worms that Mats had just retrieved from god knows where and dropped into his lap._

_“Who the fuck knows? Maybe never. You can’t really rule anything out though because sometimes okay things happen even when other things aren’t okay. Might be worth it,” Mats answered, shrugging. Ironically, you could always count on Mats for his brutal honesty even if he lied as a second language._

Conclusively, the break up was an irrational decision made by a sleep deprived, overemotional Benedikt. Talk about overreacting. First off, why would he have ended the relationship when he still had half a day with Mats’ entire family plus a two hour car ride? That was a plain and simple lack of common sense.

“Are you feeling alright, Benni? Did you get enough sleep?”

“What?” Benedikt shook his head slightly and realized he’d been pushing around at the turkey sausages on his plate for the past five minutes, lost in his own little world. He was eating in the motel breakfast room (it wasn’t five star quality food but it was edible) with Kira and Mats’ parents.

“Oh. Yeah. I’m good.” Benedikt smiled and tried to cut a piece of the sausage off only to send it flying into his lap. Kira giggled.

“Just not hungry yet?” Mrs. Hummels continued.

Benedikt nodded, his cheeks burning with embarrassment as he retrieved his sausage. It could pass for an excuse; Kira had woken up extra early and he could easily claim that his appetite had not arrived yet. And it was true as well; his stomach squirmed at the thought of eating a turkey sausage right now.

It felt weird to be talking to Mats’ family. Everything felt weird. It was like he was high, but without the pleasant feeling to accompany it…

Benedikt gulped. He had now accepted the fact that he had enjoyed being high, understood why Mats did it on occasion, and would do it again. As long as it was used in moderation, Benedikt thought smoking weed was okay, maybe even a little good for you and your soul.

Kira pointed to Benedikt’s hand. “Why do you have that?” she asked curiously. She was keen on small details and knew that the thick scratch had in fact not been present last night before Benedikt had shared a room with Mats.

The next thing Benedikt knew, he was following Mats’ dad away from the table and off into the empty hallway. Mr. Hummels may have been a dork, but he was not stupid. He knew when something was up. While it was not unusual for Mats and Benedikt to not be glued to each other’s sides 24/7, it did concern him how subdued Benedikt was.

“You sure everything’s alright?” Mr. Hummels rested a hand lightly on the boy’s shoulder.

Benedikt thought for a moment. He looked at the ground, unable to meet Mats’ dad’s eyes. For what felt like the millionth time in less than twelve hours, a lump rose in his throat. He wished he had a father like Mats did. He knew Mr. Hummels and liked him very much, but he wanted his own dad to be able to talk with in times like this. He wanted his own dad, period.

“Hey, now,” Mr. Hummels said mildly.

“Yeah. Just not fully awake yet.”

“If I go up there and wake up Mats, what would he say?”

“He’d probably tell you to eff off,” Benedikt answered truthfully. He looked up then, feeling sheepish, and racked his brains for an explanation for his bad manners. “He’s exhausted.”

To his relief, Mr. Hummels appeared understanding. “I think we all are.”

Benedikt stretched his mouth into what he hoped was a smile but was probably more of a grimace.

“Nothing’s happened between you two, has it?”

Benedikt’s heart sunk a few inches; had he really thought he was going to get out of this using predictable excuses? He shook his head rapidly and spoke a little too quickly to sound believable. “Nope. We’re good.”

Mr. Hummels raised an eyebrow and looked suspicious, but it was obvious he wasn’t going to get anything out of Benedikt except fibs, so he clapped the boy twice on the shoulder and told him to get back in there and eat something while he went upstairs to force Mats to get the hell up since this was ‘a vacation, not a free for all.’

 

* * *

 

Mrs. Hummels handed Kira over to Benedikt before she joined her husband back upstairs to sort out the mess that was Mats and organize the day. It occurred to Benedikt as he took her much smaller hand and walked her to the indoor pool that if he and Mats really had broken up, he was going to miss little Kira. She was sweet, clever, spunky, and probably the most outgoing six-year-old he’d ever met. Kira adored Benedikt and was just as protective of him as the rest of her family was. He hated to imagine how heartbroken she’d be if he just dropped from the picture completely.

 _“You make me happy because you make Matsi happy. He used to always be grumpy and mean to me,”_ she had once told him at the dinner table while Mats tried to look nonchalant but really was kind of embarrassed.

At the moment, however, Kira wasn’t peering up at Benedikt in awe like she usually did, but chewing her thumb and shuffling her feet along the ground.

Benedikt didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t exactly a natural when it came to babysitting, so he just ignored her atypical mood and kept walking. The only time he’d ever really seen her like this was the first time they’d met, at the beginning of the whole fiasco with Mats.

“Did you and Matsi have a fight and that’s why he’s not here?” she asked dully, pulling her hand from her mouth.

Benedikt felt okay fibbing to Mats’ parents to kept things from boiling over, but it would simply feel wrong to not give his younger sister at least a taste of the truth.

“Yeah. We got a little mad at each other last night, but it’s okay. We’ll make it up. It’s kind of like how your mom and dad argue sometimes, but they always make it up, right? It’ll be the same with me and Mats.” _I hope._

“Is that why you have a--”

Benedikt put his finger to his lips and shook his head once. Mats would be uncomfortable if his younger sister knew he had had a bad dream. Then again, she already knew about everything else he’d been through…

He sighed before explaining. “He had a bad dream and he was still sleeping when he scratched me. It was an accident.”

“A bad dream? About our brother?”

That was exactly where Benedikt didn’t want this discussion to head; Kira was still at that tender age where the topic was still conversational and not tabooed. Thankfully, the pool was just around the corner and it wouldn’t have to last long. And just as Benedikt was trying to think something up, the pool came into view and Kira squealed in delight before taking off, already prepared to jump in since a motel hadn’t been a part of the original itinerary and she therefore did not have a swimsuit, just a pair of pink shorts and her purple One Direction shirt.

Benedikt was let off the hook for about three seconds. And then he knew what was going to happen before it did.

The pool deck was inevitably slippery and one moment, Kira was on her feet. The next, she was on her back and thank god no one else was around to hear the wail that came out of her mouth because then Benedikt would’ve officially qualified as the worst person in the world.

 _Please, please don’t let her have hit her head,_ he prayed as he rushed towards her. What an idiot he was, he should’ve warned her to be careful--

“Where does it hurt?” he stammered, his voice unnaturally high as he crouched down next to her. What the hell was he supposed to do? This was exactly one of those times where he needed Mats, not only because he was her brother, but because he always seemed to know the right thing to do when someone was in pain -- even if he didn’t always _do_ the right thing, he still knew what it was.

“Everywhere,” Kira blubbered, tears streaming messily out of her eyes.

Benedikt bowed his head, feeling completely helpless and nervous, too. He prayed that someone would show up, anyone, to take over for him since he was totally incompetent when it came to these things.

Just as he was thinking this was when he glanced up and there stood Mats Hummels with a deadpan expression on his beautiful face.

“What the hell did you do to her?”

“Nothing!” Benedikt exclaimed, outraged that the thought that he would purposely allow Kira to get hurt would cross Mats’ mind. “She slipped.”

Mats rolled his eyes, grumbling something about Benedikt being a useless book-smart twat as he lifted his sobbing sister to his hip in one swift motion. She wrapped her arms and legs tightly around his torso and nuzzled into his neck, crying while he rubbed the back of her curly head. She looked nothing short of an absolute wreck; her clothes soaked with patches of pool water, her hair flying all over the place.

Benedikt couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this bad.

Mats shot him a disapproving glare. “So you’re just gonna stand there and do nothing now?”

Benedikt rocked back and forth on his heels. “Do you want me to get anything? Ice?”

“A bit too late for that, isn’t it.”

Mats had a point. Kira was calming down, the initial shock of her fall fading away and now with the comfort of her brother, there was no more room to feel hurt. It hadn’t been too bad of a fall, after all. Just a bit scary.

“You’re okay,” Mats said. “It’s okay, you’re a big girl, aren’t you?”

Kira hiccuped and lifted her head. Tears were smeared all over her face and her hair was sticking to her forehead and cheeks, but she smiled anyhow.

“I feel better now,” she informed him.

“Good. Do you want to go swimming? Benni will go in the pool with you.”

Benedikt raised his eyebrows. That was news to him. But there was no way he could refuse after what he’d just done, or rather hadn’t done.

Kira nodded excitedly, her eyes shining with delight again and she climbed down and padded over to the edge of the water -- carefully this time.

“I’m sorry, you know that I’m useless, I didn’t know what to--”

Mats cut off Benedikt’s rambling. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Just try and use your head sometimes, yeah?”

 _Look who’s talking,_ Benedikt wanted to say. But at the same time he also wanted to close the gap and hug Mats like there was no tomorrow and erase last night completely with kisses and stupid teasing and affection.

Before he could think it over, however, Mats was already making a beeline for one of the pool loungers. Once he reached it, he promptly collapsed onto it and continued what he’d been doing in bed before he’d been interrupted by a set of nagging parents. So Benedikt, grudgingly accepting the fact that the weight in his chest was there to stay until he got in a good cry all over again, shrugged his jacket off his shoulders and dropped it onto a table so he could follow Kira into the water.

 

* * *

 

“Marco!”

“Polo!”

“Marco!”

“Polo!”

“Marco!”

“Pol -- Ahhh, you found me!” Benedikt said, mustering as much dismay at losing into his voice as he could.

Kira laughed brightly, rejoicing once again in her clean record of beating Benedikt in every single competition they held. Benedikt arranged his face into a pout.

The pool was cool and refreshing, especially after days of not showering. Benedikt had to admit to himself that he was having a fine time, despite the fact that the subject of all his troubles was currently sprawled haphazardly mere yards away from him, albeit unconscious.

“Throw me again!” Kira demanded.

Benedikt waded over to her, lifted her up, and tossed her back into the water for the twentieth time that day. She emerged, giggling hysterically. Her ponytail tie had now snaked its way down to the very end of her long curls and her drenched clothing clung to her torso and limbs -- she looked ridiculous and Benedikt was once again glad that they were the only swimmers this morning because he would’ve looked like the most pathetic babysitter on the planet.

“Again! Again!” the glowing youngster cried.

“Wait a second. Let me tie your pretty hair back up…” Benedikt rotated her squirming form around so he could get to work on prying the tie out and fixing it.

He managed to get it loose, but that was the easy part. He didn’t know how the hell to put it back in. He had no idea how girls did this on a regular basis, and without even _looking_ at it. It seemed impossible.

“Hurry _up_ , Benni,” Kira huffed impatiently after Benedikt had been fumbling with the damn thing for at least a minute.

“Yeah, hurry up, you dumbshit. The queen has other things to do.”

Benedikt looked up to see, once again, Mats Hummels coming to the rescue, only this time he looked amused rather than exasperated. A lazy smirk fell into place on his perfect lips, and one half of his face was adorned with marks from being pressed into the straps of the lounger.

What Benedikt didn’t know was that Mats had been watching him for the past few minutes, admiring the way his broad back muscles moved around and flexed whenever he hauled Kira up into the air, his flat, defined abs, and the faint scattering of freckles across the expanse of pale skin. A fine sheen of water highlighted all the nice things Mats couldn’t tear his eyes away from. He’d also caught the occasional glimpse of the other boy’s shorts molded over that nicely toned ass whenever he ventured into shallower waters. The shorts rode low on his hips, presenting his sharp ‘v’ lines and navel trail as they made their way south.

Mats may have been ‘hotter’ than Benni in all sense of the word. But Benni had a better body than he did, that was for sure. And because of this, Mats was quick to both forgive and forget. Caught up on his lack of sleep and well fed after a half-decent continental motel breakfast, Mats was feeling good and also very generous.

“Well, are you gonna get in and help me or just stand by the edge of the pool barking orders at me?” Benedikt replied casually, though his heart was thumping and the lump in his throat was getting unbearable because now he was regretting his decision last night more than ever. All he had to do was say so, all he had to do was say so because the first words Mats had written down were ‘I’m still hoping I’ll wake up and this will all be another part of a nightmare’...

But often, actions speak louder than words. And that’s why Benedikt decided to climb out of the pool with the hair tie still around his wrist and instead of telling Mats that he changed his mind (or never really had made it up in the first place), to show him that he had.

 _I’m insane,_ he thought wildly. _We’re insane. We both need help._

Mats knew what Benni was going to do before he did it, but the only thing he had time to do was widen his eyes in horror. And then, in one giant middle-school-esque flirtatious shove, Benedikt pushed Mats Hummels into the pool, glasses and plaid pajama bottoms and all.

Mats let out an unmanly shriek before plunging ungracefully into the water. Benedikt was in stitches and Kira was fascinated at seeing her older brother shoved into the pool.

“Oooooooooooooooooh, you pushed my brother in the pool, Benni!” she squealed.

Mats surfaced seconds later, a murderous expression on his face and his glasses askew. He spun around and tried to swim really fast to the other side so he could get the hell out, but Benni was too quick and jumped back in after him.

The fair haired one felt as if he had diminished to Kira’s age. He grabbed ahold of Mats’ ankle, trapping him.

“Benedikt Höwedes, you privileged little shit, I am going to…” Mats’ teeth chattered. He seemed at a loss for words, his mouth opening and closing cluelessly as he stood there shivering in front of his ex-boyfriend.

“You’re going to what, huh? What are you gonna do, sit on me?” Benedikt giggled, his eyebrows raised.

Mats shoved some water at Benni.

Benni dodged it and splashed him back.

And soon, they were both engaged in an all-out splash battle. Laughter echoed around the pool as well as screams, and soon enough Kira had happily joined in on the big boys’ game. It was easily the most obnoxious thing that Benedikt had participated in all weekend, but it was fun and liberating and he didn’t care. Heaves of water washed out onto the deck where Mats’ glasses had been discarded as well as his shirt.

“Get off my back, turdball!” Mats yelled.

“I know you are, but what am I?” Kira shouted back.

“A turdball.”

“I know you are, but what am I?”

“I thought we were on the same team! Go launch an attack on Benni.”

But Kira evidently had switched sides. She hung to her brother’s back like a koala, covering his eyes so that he was at Benedikt’s mercy.

Benni came barrelling up from behind, armed with a mouthful of pool water, and squirted it out onto Mats’ neck. He dropped back down to scoop up some more then slipped around to Mats’ front so he could hit a more appropriate target: his face.

Mats scrunched his face up, and the final step of Benni’s master plan could be complete. In his moment of defenselessness, Benni took the opportunity to greet Mats’ face with a tirade of water.

The next thing he knew, Mats was sputtering and trying to blow the chemically treated water out of his nostrils. Kira backed away, getting the vibe that this had perhaps gone too far. She perched herself on the edge of the pool, a little afraid at what was going to take place.

“Sorry,” Benedikt said quickly. “You good?”

Mats spat into the pool and nodded.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” Benedikt said guiltily. The fun was over.

But to his relief, Mats smiled. “Christ, Benedikt, I’m not _that_ fragile. In fact, that was the most fun I’ve had since…”

The smile faded.

“Since?”

Mats couldn’t believe how quickly the ecstatic feeling had left him. He was now a shell of who he’d been just a minute earlier. Everything came crashing back, the fact that he and Benni were no longer together or even friends. The past five minutes had been nothing but a bite-sized candy.

Meanwhile, Benedikt was mesmerized as he realized that for the first time ever, Mats’ chest was before him on full display. Mats had never taken his shirt off for Benedikt before, and there was a plausible reason why though Benni would never make fun of him for it or consider him weak because of it. His eyes wandered across the other boy’s torso to the area he knew Mats was embarrassed by. He’d seen it once, very briefly, but that was before…

Mats’ lower stomach looked the same as Benedikt remembered it, only it was now coated in fresher, thicker pink scars as well.

And remembering why those scars were there in the first place made Benedikt realize how wrong he’d been indeed.

He was inching forward to touch them, but he jumped back and forgot what he’d been doing when Mats sneezed, evidently still trying to get some water out of his nose.

Benedikt sighed.

“Listen, let’s go back to the room for somewhere a little more private. Have a warm shower, maybe talk about this... That sound good?” he suggested tentatively.

“Alright,” Mats agreed.

As the two of them moved to get out of the pool, Kira stood up too from where she’d been swishing her legs around at the edge of the water, patiently waiting for the boys to gather their bearings.

While Mats collected his glasses and abandoned garments, Benedikt wrapped a towel around Kira’s tiny shoulders and then another around himself.

“Benni.”

He turned around. Mats was holding up the green jacket of Benni’s that he poked fun at so often. “Yeah?”

“Alright if I wear this upstairs?”

“Go ahead.”

Benedikt knew the reason Mats wanted to borrow the jacket. Mats’ own clothes being soaked at the fault of Benedikt, he wouldn’t deny the curly haired boy his dignity because even if the scars were nothing to be ashamed of, the bottom line was that it wasn’t cool to wander around a motel half naked.

 

* * *

 

After depositing a wiped-out Kira back with her parents, Mats and Benedikt returned to their own room. They only had a short time to shower and dress before they checked out of the motel to squeeze in a quick mini-golf expedition (the only attraction this town offered) before heading home. The rain had stopped earlier that morning, but a movie was the back up plan.

The moment Benedikt shut the door behind him was when the tears started to fall again and this time he held back nothing. Last night it had been necessary to remain at least somewhat composed, but today was different. He rested his forehead against the door, letting everything loose and it felt incredible.

Benedikt didn’t know how long he was like that, but it couldn’t have been too long because he was still crying when he felt Mats’ hands around his waist and only then did he realize how much of a dysfunctional, embarrassing mess he was. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth between rage and misery was what this relationship consisted of, with a few sugary moments in between that somehow made it all seem like a small but necessary sacrifice.

“I’m sorry,” Benedikt sobbed. “I don’t even know why I’m crying anymore…”

“Don’t apologize,” was all Mats said. “Get it all out.”

Mats didn’t try to calm him down because this was exactly what Benni needed to do right now. He didn’t even try to get Benni to move somewhere more comfortable because when you’re that consumed with emotion, it doesn’t really make a difference whether you’re curled up on a heated comforter or on a cold stone floor. All he did was rub Benni’s back up and down with the base of his palms, not to bring him any sense of ease but just to remind him that yes, he was still there and cared about him.

“Why am I crying?” Benedikt shuddered after a solid ten minutes.

“Lots of reasons. It doesn’t matter,” Mats said, letting his hands come to a rest at the small of Benni’s back. “How are you feeling? Better at all?”

Benedikt nodded. He lifted his shirt to wipe his eyes and nose off, sniffling pathetically.

“Look at me,” Mats ordered softly.

Benni shuffled around to face Mats, who instantly replaced his hands on the other boy’s waist, twirling his thumbs around lightly. He saw Benni’s Adam’s apple move up and down as he swallowed and played nervously with his bottom lip.

“Tell me why you were so upset with me last night.”

Benedikt opened his mouth and out tumbled a mess of words. “Mats, Mats, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean anything I said, please, it was so late and we were both tired and--”

Mats closed his eyes and shook his head. “No. No. No. Stop. That’s not what I asked you. I asked what set you off last night. It had to be something. I know it was late and we were tired, but you couldn’t have just pulled all that out of your ass.”

Benni blushed. “Ah. Right.”

“So what was it?”

He swallowed heavily and massaged his jaw before explaining. “When you said you have no reason to be better because I always treat you the same no matter what you do? First off, that’s not even true. Where have you been all the times I’ve screamed my throat out at you or refused to speak with you for days straight because of the things you do and say? I hit you, I physically attacked you and I know I shouldn’t have because that’s crossing a line but you had crossed a line too. Anyway, that’s not the point. My point is, you should be good because you want to be, Mats, not because you’ll be rewarded.”

Mats shook his head in the slightest, letting his eyes flutter shut again, and leaned forward to rest his forehead against the blonde’s.

“I love you so much. Let me prove it to you,” he mumbled.

“That’s all I’ve ever asked of you Mats. You don’t have to be perfect. I’m not perfect. Put us together and you’ve got a trainwreck of a relationship. And that’s perfectly okay. We just need to respect each other and communicate.”

“Speaking of which…” Mats began.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask something of you too?”

“Anything.”

Mats lifted himself off; his whole body was beginning to fall against Benni’s and he figured a little space would be beneficial. “Now that we’re talking about communicating, you should know that it goes both ways. I may not be great at it but that’s partly because you’re always running your damn mouth--”

“Because you’re stubborn and refuse to--”

Mats gave him a look and started talking louder.

“--bossing me around, complaining, yakking off and telling me what my problem is so I never _can_ get a word in. You don’t let me talk, simple as that. It makes me feel like I’m being controlled. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it frustrates me and I think both of us, not only me, need to think about changing habits if we want this to work. I’m not the only one who has faults. You do too. And I do want this to work, Benedikt. I really do. That’s why I’m telling you this.”

Benedikt looked like he wanted to say something. He raised his eyebrows, took in a breath then blew it out.

“Okay,” he finally gave in after noticing that this was precisely the crime he had committed while Mats was trying to explain it to him seconds ago. “You’re right. And I’m sorry. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Thank you,” Mats said gratefully, not breaking eye contact for a single second. “Looks like we both have things to work on now.”

Benedikt nodded obediently in agreement.

Mats’ lips melted into a crooked smile then. “You’re so cute.”

Benedikt felt himself getting warm. After over half a year with Mats, he still hadn’t grown used to being complimented and it always made him self conscious. Regardless, Mats had a way of pulling it off; Benedikt wouldn’t have taken well to being called ‘cute’ by anyone else. He was a man, thank you very much. He was _not_ cute. He was handsome, trim and masculine. Or so he hoped.

Benedikt didn’t realize he’d been pouting until he heard Mats’ unmistakable laughter, the kind of laughter when he was laughing _at_ you, but not in a mean way. Mats pressed his lips to the tip of Benni’s nose and kept them there before twisting his mouth into a grimace and pulling away.

“You reek of chlorine. Take a shower, dirty boy.”

“Look who’s talking! Take one with me.”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Mats Julian Hummels, you are my _boyfriend_ for fuck’s sake and you won’t let me see you naked. You’re insane.”

Benedikt’s eyes went wide as soon as he fully understood what had just come out of his own mouth. For one thing, he’d made the assumption that they were once again boyfriends. Second, he’d been insensitive to the fact that there was the reason Mats wouldn’t let Benni see him.

“And you know exactly why!” Mats said vehemently. But he wasn’t joking around anymore. He sounded hurt.

Benedikt reached for Mats’ hands, finding them immediately and brushing the tips of his fingers over the other boy’s knuckles. “Matsi, please. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I saw it in the pool anyway. What’s so bad about it?”

Mats shook his head. “No.”

Benedikt rolled his eyes. “You’re being ridiculous. I know what happened, I’m not going to think any less of you and I’m not going to make fun of you. Who the hell do you think I am? What’s the point in hiding it from me?”

“Don’t tell me it’s beautiful or that it made me stronger. That’s bullshit. It’s hideous and disgusting and you know it,” Mats spat.

“I never said it was. It’s an ugly thing to do to yourself and I’d never glorify anything like it,” Benni reminded him.

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Let’s go shower,” Mats said with the smallest amount of determination behind his voice. He was about to whirl around, march into the bathroom and strip down before Benedikt tugged him back by the wrists, looking expectant. “What is it?”

Benedikt studied the dark haired boy for a moment. A tear was caught in the corner of Mats’ eye, so he relaxed his firm hold on Mats’ hands to tip it out delicately.

“Nothing,” Benni decided to say, running his fingers across his own damp hair. “I love you, that’s all. Remember that.”

Mats licked his lips. Then he made a run for it before he could change his mind.

 

* * *

 

The moment Mats and Benedikt were shut in the motel bathroom together, Mats felt that the turtle jacket he was borrowing from Benni was appropriate because he could disappear into it, like a turtle disappearing into its shell.

He sat down on the lid of the toilet, staring at the floor and trying to sink far enough into the jacket so he became invisible. It wasn’t really working though because as soon as Benni had adjusted the temperature of the shower, he turned around and pulled Mats’ knees apart to stand in front of him.

“What’s wrong?”

Mats shrugged.

Benni prodded his cheeks. “Do you trust me?”

“Most of the time,” Mats said. “When you’re not in one of your psycho bitch modes.”

“Excellent.” Benedikt smiled, leaning over to plant a kiss on Mats’ forehead. “Now stop being a grouch and get in the shower.”

Mats looked up beneath heavy eyelids.

“Please,” Benni added desperately. “How about if I went first?”

And without waiting for Mats’ answer, he started to pull his t-shirt over his head. He could feel Mats’ eyes boring into him even as his vision was obscured by the light blue material. He flung it behind him, feeling a bit clumsy as he thumbed the waistband of his shorts and boxers together, but he needed to act like it was no big deal if he wanted Mats to do the same.

And then there he stood, more naked than Mats had ever seen him before with his hair slightly ruffled from undressing. Mats, meanwhile, was fascinated. His mouth fell slightly agape as he surveyed the blonde before him from head to toe, devoting extra time to the bulge in between his pale, muscular legs.

 _Don't stare._ There was so much else to focus on, namely Benedikt's adorably pink face. _Stop staring._

But he couldn’t, and he was certain that his own ears and cheeks were flaming red because he knew that it was now his turn and there was no more putting it off. The shower ran unused down the drain and Mats stood up on unsteady legs, trying to remind himself that Benni had not only already seen his dick but also sucked on it and that he had nothing to hide about his stomach. It was all old news.

The following couple minutes were a blur. He thought Benni might’ve helped him slide the jacket down his arms and discard the rest of his clothing, but he couldn’t be sure because he would’ve definitely noticed if Benni had touched him, wouldn’t he? So maybe he was just pretending that it was Benni undressing him and not himself, using it as an excuse of sorts.

He was instantly awake, however, when he felt the hot water pouring over his skin. He blinked into focus.

“Now what?” Mats blurted out.

“Well, do you want to wash my hair?” Benni suggested as if it were the most casual situation in the world (it wasn’t; it was overly steamy and tangibly awkward and bursting with inexperience on both ends. Mats had done a lot of things, but he’d never taken a shower with anyone, let alone someone he was actually attracted to).

“Only if you wash mine after.”

“Deal.”

So Mats squirted some of the motel shampoo onto his palm and got to work. He used his fingertips to massage Benni’s scalp and scrub his hair till it was squeaky clean. When he was finished, he moved on to Benni’s shoulders and triceps, the suds spreading out all over his skin. Mats continued to smooth his hands across Benni’s body, grazing his nipples and feeling them stiffen for an instant before travelling even further south. He wiggled his finger inside Benni’s belly button, making the latter squirm and giggle. Mats’ chest fluttered.

“All done. Rinse it off now.” He took Benni’s shoulders and guided him under the stream of hot water.

Benedikt’s face screwed up into a grimace as the suds ran down his face. “It’s too hot!” he exclaimed.

“You’re the one who set the temperature, silly,” Mats said as he brushed a few stray suds from Benni’s hair with one hand, reaching over to twist the shower handle with the other. Benni’s skin had started to stain red, and Mats didn’t want him to scald himself for real.

Once Benni was all rinsed, he stepped out from the stream and squirted a generous amount of shampoo into his palm. “Ready?”

Mats nodded.

Benedikt first lathered the minty shampoo all over Mats’ hair. He loved the feeling of Mats’ hair in his fingers. The only difference between now and all the times he’d done it before was that now, the locks were wet and silky.

Mats’ eyes fluttered shut, his long eyelashes skimming his flushed cheeks. His head fell back slightly and he flared his nostrils, letting out a little satisfied noise. He was getting warm, really warm, even with the temperature down and he was hardening too just from the sensation of Benni’s nimble hands working through his hair.

Just as Mats had done with him, Benni moved down Mats’ body. Goosebumps rose all over Mats’ toned skin and Benni saw a visible shiver overtake the other boy. Water collected in the pockets of his collarbones, tipping out and cascading down his chest whenever he moved. Mats’ skin was so smooth, lacking the insignificant but numerous freckles that decorated Benni’s cheeks and shoulder blades.

When Mats opened his eyes, he could see an easy smile on Benni’s lips.

“Should I keep going?” smirked Benni.

“Please,” Mats begged.

Benni moved in closer, nudging one of his legs between Mats’ and trailing his fingers lightly down his chest. Taking into account Mats’ weekly consumption of hot fudge sundaes, he had an amazing body. Hell, forget taking anything into consideration, he had an amazing body period. Benedikt had never really noticed it before, having been so distracted by Mats’ gorgeous face instead.

Benedikt couldn’t help but compare himself occasionally to Mats. That was the thing about dating someone of your own gender. No matter how often Mats insisted that Benedikt was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, Benedikt knew he was always second on a good day when Mats was around. He’d simply never measure up to Mats’ god-like features even if he was good-looking in his own right. Once in a blue moon, he received confirmation of this: he overheard kids in the hallway and cafeteria wondering what Mats Hummels saw in Benedikt Höwedes or why Mats Hummels didn’t go for someone else because he could do better than average-looking Benedikt Höwedes. There was even a period around the holiday break during which Benedikt received an avalanche of anonymous messages regarding his relationship with Mats. 

 

> _‘your boyfriend is hotter than you’_
> 
> _‘sorry but i just cant understand how ur with mats? you aint cute and you dont even have a good personality to make up for it. just my opinion’_
> 
> _‘Don’t think that just because you’re dating Mats Hummels now that you’re special or popular. He’ll break up with you then you’ll be nothing again, watch it happen lol’_
> 
> _‘literally no one cares stfu’_
> 
> _‘I just have some advice for you, no hate. The reasons you’re getting so much shit is because people are jealous of you because of Mats and I can’t say I blame anyone for it since you’re average at best. They don’t understand why he went for you because you’re not that great or attractive, you just sort of victimize yourself a lot and that’s how you get what you want so it pisses people off, it isn’t fair. But you’re not really helping yourself when you flaunt your perfect life all over the place. When you post a pic of you two on instagram with a really long caption about how much you love each other just so you can get a lot of likes or tweet shit about how lucky you are, that’s exactly why people don’t like you because you’re an attention seeker and now you think that everyone cares about your life. Stick to cross country and stop trying to be prom king. It’s good that you’re happy but you don’t need to be rude or make other people who aren’t as lucky as you feel bad. You’re not better than the rest of us, stop making us hate you by acting like it. I don’t mean to offend you, I’m just trying to explain why you get so much shit to help you out.’_

 

Those were by far the nicest of the many messages. Benedikt answered them even though he knew he should just ignore them. He eventually got fed up and crafted a highly uncharacteristic and temperamental masterpost in response to everything, after which the school and multiple sets of parents got involved and Mats threw an unforgettable tantrum at how everything was being handled. So Benedikt decided it would be best to just shut down all his social media accounts.

Those months were definitely not some of the greatest in either Mats’ or Benedikt’s lives. He was glad it was over.

“What are you thinking about?”

Mats’ voice yanked Benedikt back to the present. By now, Mats was soap-free too. He hadn’t realized that he’d drifted off but more importantly, he didn’t understand _how_ when there was a naked and wet Mats Hummels pressed against his bare skin. While Benedikt wasn’t paying attention, Mats had slipped an arm around his lower back to rest it in the dip just before the curve of his ass and pulled him even closer.

“Us,” Benedikt answered, having to look up just a little bit in order to meet Mats’ eyes. Mats’ inch and a half on him was far more problematic at times that it would seemingly be.

“What about us?” Mats urged.

Benedikt pressed his lips together and lowered his gaze. For the second time that day he had an unobscured view of the damage to Mats’ stomach, and this time there was nothing to prevent him from tracing over the jagged lines with the pad of his index finger. He felt Mats’ abdomen tighten and twitch. For a moment, the only sounds to be heard were that of the water and Mats’ breathing.

He looked back up. Then he cupped Mats’ cheeks in his hands, tilted his head and kissed him, slowly. He squeezed his eyes shut so tightly that it was a moment before he figured out it didn’t require that much effort and he could relax. The sweetness of Mats spread out all over his tongue, like melting chocolate, and the electricity running through him amped up when Mats’ hands slid down to grip his ass.

Benedikt moaned into Mats’ mouth. He knew he was drooling but it didn’t matter, the water was rinsing everything away. Finally, when he couldn’t take it anymore, he pulled back. His inner thighs were throbbing.

“Do you think we’re ready?” he said breathlessly, his lips tingling almost painfully.

Half of Mats’ mouth cocked up into a lopsided grin before fading out. “In the shower? That might be challenging for our first time, babe.”

“Just...just do something, please,” Benni whined.

Mats furrowed his brows and looked up at the ceiling. He pretended to think very hard for a couple seconds. “Why don’t you do it and I watch?”

“Mats! You’re so annoying,” Benni practically cried. But it was a lost cause. He had already begun to stroke himself while Mats watched like a cat would scope out its prey.

Suddenly, Benni became very cold. It took him a minute to notice that Mats had turned the water off and draped a fresh white towel over his head and was rubbing him dry.

“What are you doing?” Benni garbled.

“Saving you from embarrassment,” Mats replied, ruffling Benni’s hair beneath the towel.

“But I’m not embarrassed.”

Mats hastily dried the rest of Benedikt off before tossing the towel over his shoulder. “You will be when my dad bursts in here and finds my cock in your cute little hole.”

Benedikt blushed furiously. Not because of the way Mats had spoken, but rather because he had yet again taken a jab at Benedikt’s virginity, and even more boldly so, directly after leading him on to nothing yet again.

“Put your undies on and get dressed, I forgot we were leaving soon. We were supposed to get ready after the pool. Shit. I’m sorry, I completely forgot...When we get back, I promise,” Mats said fervently. He tied a towel around his waist and studied Benni for any signs.

“That’s what you said the last five times,” Benedikt said stiffly as he stepped into his boxers, not even caring that they were the same damp ones that he’d swam in earlier. “You’ve fucked everybody in our grade now except me, haven’t you?”

“I haven’t touched anyone since you trespassed my house in September. Stop being dramatic, Benni. Stop it. We’ve been getting along for, what, a whole hour now? That’s a new record, don’t ruin it!”

Benedikt rolled his eyes and stalked out of the bathroom. He was annoyed, but it was true that he was dramatizing the whole thing a bit. Mats saw right through him, however, and waggled his eyebrows. Benni couldn’t hold in his snort of laughter.

“You’re laughing because it’s true,” Mats pointed out, helping Benni into his clean t-shirt since the blonde was distracted and got a bit tangled up in it.

“I’m just kind of baffled because I don’t understand how you always manage to find an excuse,” Benedikt admitted.

“I don’t want to destroy you any more than I already have.”

Benedikt froze, his arm bent halfway through the sleeve. “What?”

“Never mind,” Mats muttered.

They dressed in silence for the next couple minutes. Benedikt had kept his belongings relatively organized so it only took him an extra minute to pack up. He opened the door for some fresh air and waited in the doorway for Mats to finish packing and go to the bathroom. He slid his hands over his face and rubbed his eyes.

When Mats emerged, his hair looked different. He had combed it. The ends of his curls were dripping and water was leaking down his forehead and getting trapped in his eyebrows.

“What?” he said innocently, noticing the amused look on Benni’s face.

Benni said nothing, but stepped closer to tangle Mats’ hair back into the uneven mess he was used to it. Mats smelled fresh and minty, a sharp contrast to his usual scent that Benedikt had grown to love so much.

“That’s better.”

“Nerd,” Mats said under his breath.

Benedikt waited a moment before leaving the room for the last time and closing the door behind them. They’d been here for less than 24 hours, but it was still a bit bittersweet when you took into consideration how much had happened in that room, good and bad.

“Mats?”

“Yes.”

“I’m really proud of you.”

Mats found Benni’s hand to hold it. “Thanks.”

“I really am.”

“I know. And I promise, we can have our first time tonight. I jerked you off in a bathroom stall at a One Direction concert Benedikt, do you really think I would stop at anything if I absolutely didn’t have to?”

Benedikt burst out laughing, his first genuine laugh in what seemed like the whole trip.


	10. Journey Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mini golfing, eating at a restaurant, and Benni does a little snooping...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry this one took so long to get up. I usually have the chapter ready in advance but the last one was so long that I didn't this time. As you can see, I also lied about how many chapters there would be in this fic. This isn't the last one as I said before; we now have two more chapters. They will be having their 'first time' during the next chapter, so there will be some smut followed by an epilogue :)

The first thing that happened after Mats and Benedikt left their room was that they were instructed to go back inside of it for an ‘idiot check’. Mrs. Hummels pulled Benedikt aside after a grumbling Mats had reentered the room.

“Help him. Don’t let him forget anything. He’s a disorganized slob. Don’t tell him I said that,” she instructed.

Benedikt assured her that he wouldn’t.

It turned out that the idiot check was a good idea because Mats had forgotten to repack his charger, his sneakers, and his precious marijuana pipe with its intricate colors and swirls. Finding the pipe reminded Benedikt that he had smoked out of it just the other night.

“Would you want to do it again?” Mats asked hesitantly as Benedikt fingered the cool object.

“I don’t know…”

“Let me guess: You thought it was okay but you don’t want me to think that you’re giving the go ahead for me to be stoned all the time,” Mats recited as if he’d planned the words in advance.

Benedikt chewed on his lip and nodded slowly.

Mats continued. “I’m stopping, Benni. I thought about this, and why should I have to keep doing it when I have you now? I guess I kept getting high out of habit ’cause it’s what I did everyday before you became my friend, but it doesn’t make sense anymore.”

“Don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself. What if something happened to me and I couldn’t be here for you anymore, then what?” Benni glanced up as he spoke.

“I’d still do it for you. Even if you were gone,” Mats promised, missing Benni’s point. He tucked the pipe in a pocket of his backpack, slung the pack over his shoulder and waited to make sure Benni was following him before leaving the room, this time for good.

\-----

Benedikt was terrible at mini golf. He was also terrible at skiing because he couldn’t figure out the poles you held in your hands, hence his unfortunate skiing accident years ago that he had fortunately fully recovered from. The reason he was a runner was because he had zero hand eye coordination and that was probably why he heard Mats chuckling behind him whenever it was his turn to putt.

He looked over his shoulder. Mats was swinging his mini golf club back and forth between his hands, one of his eyebrows cocked up in amusement and smugness written all over his stupid face. Benedikt had a love-hate relationship with Mats’ smug attitude. On one hand, it was super annoying. On the other, there was something oddly endearing about it that Benedikt couldn’t resist adding some fuel to.

“What’s your problem?” he challenged Mats, falling into step with him as they moved to the next part of the course.

“What’s my problem?” Mats repeated, slipping a hand into his pocket.

“Yeah. You keep staring at me and trying not to laugh.”

“Oh, that,” Mats said to which Benedikt reacted with his classic ‘really, Mats?’ face.

“Yeah. _That_ ,” Benedikt replied. “Is my fly undone or something?”

“It’s nothing, don’t you worry about it. You just look really cute when you golf. That’s all,” Mats gloated, bumping hips lightly with Benni.

At the same time Benedikt’s stomach swooped, he felt his cap being swiftly removed from his head.

“Hey! Give that back!” He tried to grab it but Mats held it behind his back, his eyebrows falling into a pout.

“Can I just borrow it? Please? The sun is in my eyes and I’m tired of squinting.”

“Well, the sun is in _my_ eyes too...”

“Best boyfriend ever,” Mats ignored him and triumphantly slid the cap onto his own head.

“You didn’t even put it on right,” Benedikt said accusatively as he repositioned the cap, making sure to touch Mats’ hair and ears a lot more than necessary. His heart had a minor spaz at the way Mats’ curls fell out from beneath the cap. “There.”

“Thank you, babe,” Mats mumbled. He leaned in and gave Benni a kiss on the cheek, which was hot and flushed from being under the sun. (Benedikt was looking a lot more freckly than normal around his eyes and nose and his hair blonder. Mats thought it was beautiful. It brought out the hazel highlights in his eyes).

“Stop pretending to want your hat back. I know you want me to be comfortable. Besides, you love seeing me in your stuff.”

Benedikt bit his top lip and looked down to hide his sheepish smile at being caught, but it was still there and lovable as ever.

“I wish you did a sport so you could get a hoodie with your name on the back and I could wear it,” Benni admitted softly.

“Oh, just like you let me wear yours?” Mats returned sarcastically (Benni had refused to let him wear his track hoodie with **HÖWEDES** on the back in big letters because he ‘wasn’t on the team’).

“If you joined the team we could wear each other’s.”

“I hate running.”

“You’ve never even tried it! It’s fun, I promise. Well, not exactly, but it feels good after you finish. And it’s not only the running, we do all these team activities too, like pasta dinners and the meets are so fun with everyone cheering for you and--”

“Forget it, Benni,” Mats sighed. He felt guilty at the unmistakable disappointment on Benni’s face, but running was a no-go. He was slow and he hated it. Plus, he didn’t understand why people would voluntarily submit themselves to that form of torture because it was ‘felt good’. All the few times he had ran, he was 100% sure that he was going to die afterwards. He had not experienced the thrill of a great workout or race like everyone else claimed, but rather a strong urge to keel over and either puke up his entire stomach, cough up both his overworked lungs, be sent afloat down an icy river to stop the intensive heat that was searing through him and making his head pound, or be pronounced dead right there on the spot. Any one of those options was perfectly acceptable.

“I wish you wouldn’t be so scared to at least try something new,” Benedikt said seriously.

“I’m not scared, I just don’t want to. Now go embarrass yourself again.” Mats smirked and bumped into Benni once more.

Benedikt bumped back into Mats harder. Mats retaliated with a light smack on the ass which made Benedikt arch his back and yelp in surprise.

“Benedikt! Control yourself,” Mats scolded playfully.

Benedikt giggled and shoved him again. _I’ve created a monster,_ Mats thought.

“You started it,” was Benni’s childish response.

Mats rolled his eyes, hooking his arm around Benni’s waist nonetheless and shuffling him in close so their legs kept brushing against each other as they walked.

“Later, okay?”

Benedikt nodded eagerly, excitement flashing his expression. Mats had snuck two fingers beneath the hem of his shirt to rest on his hipbone. The fingers tapped up and down, up and down, and even when Mats stopped Benedikt swore he could still feel it.

Once they caught up with Mats’ parents and sister at the next hole, Mats basked in Benni’s cuteness once more as he zoned in on the blue ball at his feet. Benni set his feet apart at shoulder length, poked his tongue out in concentration, a determined look on his face, and whenever he hit the ball, his arm muscles would bulge ever so slightly, making Mats’ chest feel a bit tighter every time it happened.

He owed Benedikt something, he decided. Benedikt deserved so much more. Maybe he could start off small. He closed his eyes for a moment.

_“Here, let me help you,” Mats would say as he came up behind Benni, took his hands and moved them along the club to the right place. Then he would cover Benni’s hands with his own and go through the motion with him._

_Benni would look over his shoulder and smile that smile Mats loved, a genuine one that he couldn’t help as it spread wide across his face. Then he would take the initiative and pull Mats into his body instead of it being the other way around._

\-----

“Get in the car, squirt. _Now_ ,” Mr. Hummels thundered, pointing at the open door. He was getting exasperated, having been put to the task of convincing Kira to get in the car by his wife. Kira was refusing. She wanted to stay at mini-golf all day whereas everyone else was looking forward to being in the shade.

“No!” Kira said, hiding behind Benedikt’s legs and clinging to him so he couldn’t get in the car either. “Make Benni do it!”

“Oh my god, just stop being a brat and get in the effing car, I’m hungry,” Mats groaned.

Benedikt was also getting a little impatient, but not so vocally as Mats. He had homework to do when he got home. And other things that made him blush just thinking about. He tried to make some use of himself and pry the little girl off of him, but it was impossible. She was slowly cutting off his circulation and he nearly toppled over multiple times due to lack of sufficient balance.

It reached the point where Mr. Hummels had to resort to the classic counting down from three method, and Kira knew better than to stay where she was after the first dreaded number left his mouth so she galloped off, resulting in a panicked chase around the parking lot which would’ve been a great scene for a dysfunctional family comedy movie.

Benedikt was the one who caught her. He scooped her up and handed her off to a rough-looking Mr. Hummels with much difficulty since she was flailing her legs all over the place. Benedikt felt genuinely sorry for the poor guy; if he had been frustrated at the beginning of the trip because of the tents, he looked close to a mental breakdown now and his wife wasn’t exactly helping seeing as she had quite smartly extracted herself from the situation before it could even begin.

“Get me a drink, please,” he begged to no one in particular after he’d peeled the little girl off of him and contained her in her booster seat.

Mats and Benedikt exchanged a look. By ‘drink’ he had probably meant just that, but water would have to do for now. Mats got a bottle of water from the trunk and gave it to his dad, who drank half of it in one gulp as he collapsed into the passenger’s seat and rolled down his window all the way.

It was finally time to head home.

Given all the commotion, Benedikt had forgotten to swallow his anti-motion sickness pills. He only remembered after Kira tapped him on the knee and asked, rather plainly: “Benni, are you gonna throw up again?”

Then she remembered she was supposed to be sullen. Sometimes it’s hard to stay in a bad mood, but you feel like you have to because you’d be admitting defeat if you didn’t. So Kira was sullen, and Mats was in a sour mood too because he was hungry and Mrs. Hummels had commenced the ride back home with a speech about how she hoped everyone ate a good breakfast and that the snacks they had left over would be enough to tide them over because they would _not_ be stopping for lunch or bathroom breaks.

“I have had enough,” she said. “I need some time to myself. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a zoo.”

Five minutes later, Mats announced that he was hungry and needed a Coke and Kira jumped to agreement.

“Were you two listening to anything I just said?”

“Not really,” Kira said sweetly.

“I’m hungry and I need a Coke,” Mats repeated.

“You need to stop talking is what you need,” Mr. Hummels said.

Mrs. Hummels sighed. “Are you hungry too, Benni dear?”

Benedikt had to think for a moment. Yes, he was hungry, and it was true that breakfast had been several hours ago and seemed even longer after all the breaking and making up. He sort of wished he’d eaten those turkey sausages this morning. At the time, he couldn’t comprehend why he’d even put them on his plate from the buffet, but they seemed appetizing now. He decided to go with an honest answer.

“A little bit,” he said, then added: “But I’ll be fine if we don’t stop.”

Benedikt’s answer settled it. Fifteen minutes later, they had requested a table for five at Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, a chain restaurant and gift store with a southern country theme. Mats ordered a half-pound bacon cheeseburger. Benedikt went with a classic country dinner plate of smoked ham, mashed potatoes, green beans, and biscuits. Kira was more interested in the gift shop than the kids’ menu and kept wandering off. After the third time, Mr. Hummels bought her a coloring kit to get her to stay at the table.

The wait for the food calmed significantly after that, so Mats slipped a hand underneath Benedikt’s shorts to rest on his thigh. Benedikt had a hard time understanding how a gesture so simple could send electric currents shooting throughout his entire body when he and Mats had done far more intimate things than this. He couldn’t help it; he glanced over at Mats with a nervous smile. Mats winked over the rim of his Coke glass. Damn how gorgeous Mats was and how effortless it was for him.

“Benni, did you and Matsi stop fighting with each other yet?” Kira asked out of the blue, looking up from her sloppy artwork.

Mats’ fingernails dug sharply into Benedikt’s skin, making the latter jump slightly.

“I _knew_ it,” Mr. Hummels said happily.

“Kira, don’t be nosy. That isn’t any of your business and it’s impolite to ask,” Mrs. Hummels added sternly, shooting Benedikt an apologetic look that said _you don’t need to answer that._ Sure, it explained Benedikt’s lack of enthusiasm this morning but he and Mats seemed to have worked it out judging by how they kept grinning stupidly and pawing at each other when they thought no one was looking at the mini golf course. And even if she’d never gotten wind of them fighting before, it was bound to happen in any relationship and nothing to make a big deal over.

“It’s fine,” Benedikt said quickly, hoping his bright red ears didn’t tell another story. He didn’t really mind Kira bringing it up; he was more ashamed of the fact that he had been welcomed on this vacation by Mats’ parents and repaid them by breaking up with their son in the middle of the trip. Not only that, but also the fact that he and Mats had basically argued their way into a relationship while in the meantime, Mats’ parents probably thought it was all some nice little high school crush tale. To avoid further shame, he tried to change the subject. “Uh, have you guys eaten here before?”

It was a good attempt, but Mr. Hummels had other plans, apparently. “So what caused it, boys? I remember the first fight your mother and I had was about a month after we met and sh--”

The dirty look Mrs. Hummels threw him was enough to stun anyone into a lifetime of silence.

Fortunately, the food also arrived at that moment and attention was turned to reminding the waiter who had ordered what.

\-----

After plates had been mostly emptied and the check slapped onto the table, Mats pushed his chair back with a loud scraping noise and motioned for Benedikt to follow him to the bathroom.

Benedikt looked to Mrs. Hummels to be excused.

“Go ahead, dear. You don’t have to ask,” she said.

He hurried after Mats and collected a fistful of his shirt to slow him down.

“Hold this,” Mats demanded, shoving his phone into Benedikt’s hand before escaping again and locking himself in a stall.

Benedikt wanted to know what the hurry was but decided it didn’t matter. He leaned against the sink, turning Mats’ phone over in his hands and the more he stared at his own reflection, the more he frowned. What _did_ Mats see in him?

Mats was taking longer than Benedikt thought he would and curiosity got the better of him as time passed. He knew he shouldn’t go into Mats’ phone without permission, but it was right in his hands and he couldn’t help it. Plus, why shouldn’t he be able to? Mats had nothing to hide from him. They had built up enough trust in one another.

He guessed Mats’ passcode on the second try: **2902**. It couldn’t have been too important to Mats to prevent Benedikt from fishing through his phone if his password was the blonde’s birthday.

Benedikt’s heart was beating fast and his thumbs skirted ungracefully over the touch screen to find Mats’ messages. Most recent contact: Erik. He opened the texts.

The latest ones were infrequent and consisted generally of Erik whining about two things: 1) how irritating Julian’s crush on him was and 2) his desire to get high. Benedikt couldn’t help but feel a little sense of superiority at how seldom Mats responded, and when he did it was usually telling the other boy to shut up or that he was annoying. He didn’t understand at first because Mats and Erik used to be pretty good friends.

But after scrolling all the way back up to December, Benedikt reached a long block of text that caught his eye. He understood Mats’ reluctance to answer after he finished reading it.

From: Erik  
Fuck you, all you do now is hang out with fucking Benedikt and you completely ignore me. I’m gonna side with everyone else here and ask you what’s so great about him. I want to know, tell me what about him is so perfect that you decided to shit on everything else in your life. Personally I find him to be an ugly sorry ass suck up, he is a parasite and he’s the only person pathetic enough to think he can be a replacement for your dead brother and rescue you because he has no real friends or whatever the fuck. I don’t really care, have fun sucking him off cause I bet even when your fucking him he still never stops complaining about every fucking thing

To: Erik  
First off, don’t you dare bring up my brother. If you wanted to know, Benni is the only one who I ever felt comfortable talking about it to because he actually cares about more things besides getting fucked up. I don’t have time for you anymore. You complain more than he does. He isn’t perfect but he’s pretty damn close in my opinion. You sound jealous and you should be because he is a better person than you are. I love him, he makes me happy and I think he’s beautiful. I don’t need to give you any more details about our relationship, just fuck off because believe it or not, people actually like him because he is nice and doesn’t try to tear other people apart. Why don’t you go make friends with whoever else is giving him bullshit which btw isn’t ‘everyone else’ it’s like 2 people and the 2 of you can trash us all you want. I dare you to say that shit to his face instead of hiding behind your phone. He’s done more for me than anyone else ever has, because of him I haven’t fucking killed myself so get off your high horse. I’m lucky to have him and the world is lucky to have him too because of how passionate he is about making things right. Don’t contact me anymore. Have a great day

The phone was shaking in Benedikt’s hands. First the note that was intended for him, but now these texts which were never intended for his eyes. He was too overwhelmed to feel guilty. He was aware that he was perspiring and that Mats had also come out from the stall and was washing his hands, but beyond that there wasn’t much else outside the realm of the words Mats had texted nearly five months ago. Mats had defended Benedikt and meant it. What Erik said stung a little, but it was nothing Benedikt hadn’t heard before and there had been plenty worse.

The next thing he was aware of was Mats hugging him from behind and a chin perched on his shoulder. “Why the long face, babe?”

Benedikt had to close his eyes and lean back into the warmth of Mats. He felt weak. It was as if he hadn’t realized how much he really did love Mats until this moment, and now with Mats’ hot breath tickling his neck and their bodies pressed tightly together it seemed inevitable.

“I snooped on your phone,” Benedikt confessed.

“And what’d you see?” Mats replied as if it were nothing.

“Your text to Erik.”

“Oh, Benni…” Mats hugged him tighter.

“Were you really going to kill yourself?”

“We’ve talked about this before. You already know the answer.”

“Can I ask you something else?” Benedikt said, his voice breaking.

“Anything you want. I might not answer depending, but ask it.”

“Do you think I’m hot?”

Mats straightened up in surprise but kept his arms circled securely around Benni’s torso. “What? Of course I do. Aren’t you my boyfriend?”

Benni swallowed, set Mats’ phone down on the counter and rubbed his neck. “You always say that I’m cute and that I care about you more than you deserve, but you never mention anything about thinking of me like _that_...”

“Like what?” Mats pretended not to understand.

“Like…” Benni’s cheeks heated up and seeped all the way to his ears. His eyes darted around nervously in the mirror and he kept tapping his neck and blinking, a set of habits he resumed whenever he was put on the spot.

“Say it,” Mats urged, smiling at the sight of himself and Benni wrapped up together in the mirror.

“Sexy,” Benni blurted out, going even more red if that was possible and Mats laughed.

“Benedikt Höwedes, you are adorable and sexy and everything in between and yes, I want to have sex with you so stop acting so giddy just talking about it. What’s gonna happen to you when we actually do it if you’re practically coming your pants at the thought?”

“Mats!” Benedikt exclaimed in dismay.

Instead of responding properly, Mats opened his mouth and burped to which Benedikt became even more frazzled by and whirled around, swatting the other boy away to no avail.

“Say ‘excuse me’!”

Mats smacked his mouth, a smug glint in his eye. “‘Scuse me.”

Benni rolled his own eyes. He reached for a paper towel to wet it under the sink, grumbling something about how at least he could ‘eat without smearing mustard all over my face’. He faced Mats again and began to gingerly dab away the excess condiments from around the perimeter of Mats’ lips. Even when they were coated in food, they still looked incredibly inviting and totally kissable and it was driving Benedikt nuts.

“Do I have to spoon feed you like a baby next time so you don’t make a mess?”

“You have my full backing on that idea,” Mats said, actually liking the suggestion very much and making a mental note to dribble food all over his chin next time so Benni would insist on feeding him.

“You’re gross,” Benni concluded.

Mats raised his eyebrows defensively. “Hey, at least I’m not always touching and rubbing my face and hair like the paranoid freak you are.”

“Oh.” Benni paused midway, having been just about to scratch his nose after throwing the paper towel away. He never realized how much he subconsciously touched his face and neck until Mats pointed it out to him. He shrugged and decided to wipe his mouth on his sleeve instead.

“Yeah, _oh_ ,” Mats replied, tugging Benni’s hands away from his face and swinging them side to side within the space that was slowly but surely closing between the two of them. “It’s cute, though.”

Benni shook his head and looked down to hide his smile. “You think everything I do is cute.”

“That’s because it is. Even when you’re angry, it’s still adorable,” Mats replied, lifting Benni’s chin back up with his finger.

Benni glared at him. Mats tilted his head questioningly.

“I’m not adorable when I’m angry. I’m threatening,” Benni explained.

Mats snorted. “Well, I have news for you, Ben. You’re not threatening at all, sorry. You’re too cute to scare anyone.”

“Ben? Since when have you called me that?”

“Since now? Who even cares?”

Mats was grinning ear-to-ear and the space between himself and Benni was almost nonexistent now. Benni was licking his lips and blushing, his mouth drying up and his knees threatening to buckle under that beautiful gaze of Mats’.

“I’m sorry I tried to break up with you,” he mumbled.

“And I’m sorry that I drove you to the point where you felt like you had to.”

“So we’re together again?” Benni asked apprehensively.

“I was under the impression that we were,” Mats said, close enough to Benni’s face that he could make each individual freckle. (He swore he was going to count them all one day because that was the perfectly cliche thing to do with a boyfriend who has freckles). He brushed his nose lightly against Benni’s while his hands searched for his hips to lift him over the counter. Benni grunted as Mats hoisted him up, his head rolling forward as Mats met teeth against neck, nibbling lightly at the soft flesh and sucking a mark where he knew everyone would see it--

Then the door swung open and Mats was thisclose to screaming in surprise. He stumbled backwards and his heart leapt. But when he saw in the mirror that it was only his dad who had marched in and not an unsuspecting stranger whom the last thing on earth they’d’ve thought to walk in on at the Cracker Barrel bathroom was a gay teenage couple climbing all each other, he was relieved.

“What’s taking so long, boys?” Mr. Hummels wanted to know, completely oblivious to the fact that Benedikt was sitting on the counter with round eyes and a pure crimson complexion, his breath hitching continually and that Mats’ shorts were riding a little lower than they should’ve been. “Your mother has been ready to hit the road for ten minutes. Let’s get moving, please.”

\-----

The car ride back was perhaps the most pleasant one yet. Mats’ parents were both in extra good moods since they were finally getting the hell home. Kira wasn’t bored because she had her new country themed art kit, and although she didn’t usually like to draw this one was _special_ because it came with glittery, scented markers. Mats was being annoying and loud as fuck, but it was the better alternative to being slumped over with his face buried in his hands, grumbling and moaning. And Benedikt was just glad that he wasn’t going to vomit this time around. Vomiting was neither pleasant nor attractive so he could definitely do without it.

When they took the exit off the highway for their neighborhood, Mr. Hummels offered to drop off Benedikt at his house and he took up the offer, then deciding that now would be an appropriate time to thank Mats’ parents for the meal out and the weekend. They thanked him back and asked him to please consider coming along on the next trip, too. Mats pouted, but Benedikt really did need to get home for a bit. He wanted to unpack, relax, and get some homework done for school tomorrow. He couldn’t believe that he had actually been convinced at one point that he could get it done during the trip. He also still needed to call Manuel and check in with his parents.

“I’ll text you when I’m done,” Benedikt promised after they had pulled into the Hummels driveway to let out the three who were leaving. He checked his phone for the time. It was 5:11. That didn’t leave much time for much of anything and he was already pretty worn out from the weekend.

Nonetheless, he was excited for this and he didn’t care how desperate he felt; he wanted it to happen tonight. Mats had been teasing him for far too long now.

“Are your parents home?” Mats asked.

“They might be. But you can come over. They won’t bother us if they are.”

“Perfect. See you later, Ben,” Mats smirked and sauntered off and Benedikt could practically see the wheels in his head spinning with ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this and if you've read this far I hope that's because you've been enjoying it! Next chapter will be up soon :)


	11. First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mats and Benedikt have their first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains detailed underage sexual intercourse. If you're not comfortable with that, I would recommend skipping it. You won't be missing any crucial plot elements, just smut and fluff. The plot will pick up again in the next chapter.
> 
> Smut is not my favorite thing to write nor am I too great it at, so thank you to my friend [hwds](http://archiveofourown.org/users/junkiep/pseuds/junkiep) for reading over that part and adding/correcting a couple of things.

Benedikt’s parents were, not surprisingly, not home to greet him when he arrived. But they had left him a note explaining that they had gone out for a rare ‘date night’ and that they hoped he had a nice weekend and they would bring back carry-out for him from wherever they went for dinner.

Benedikt picked up the note and decided to keep it. It made him happy, not only because his parents had actually dragged each other away from their offices to do something fun for once but also because they had taken the time to let him know what was going on for once. Things around the house had definitely improved since September. He stacked his parents’ note on top of Mats’ sloppy, smudged note and put both of them in his drawer. Then he went downstairs for a snack and to start his homework.

Benedikt opened all the windows in the kitchen to let in some air; spring was finally here and it was warm and lively outside -- pleasant enough to be worth having slightly aggravated allergies. Finally, he turned on some music from his phone and got to work.

He couldn’t concentrate. His brain was on another planet. He stared uncomprehendingly at the text he was supposed to be answering questions about for government and let out a little huff when he realized he’d been reading the same sentence over and over again without a word of it sinking in.

He spent the next ten minutes with his elbow on the table and his chin in his hand, flipping the pages of his math textbook and shoving pretzels in his mouth but not chewing or swallowing them. All he could think about was Mats. He’d spent the entire weekend with Mats by his side and now it felt weird to not have the other boy with him, being cranky and nagging and poking and teasing him.

Just as Benedikt gave up and was about to call Manuel, there was a knock on the door and a mouthful of unscathed pretzels tumbled out onto the table.

\-----

Mats had paraded into the house before Benedikt could reach the front door.

“I didn’t say you could come yet. I wasn’t finished,” Benedikt greeted him, crossing his arms.

Mats didn’t answer immediately; he was occupied with a plastic Coke bottle. His hair fell away from his face as he tilted his head back to drink it, his lips pink and shiny around the opening of the bottle. Benedikt was positive that Mats was drinking as noisily as possible just to tick him off, his cheeks sucking in and out and his throat moving up and down as he expertly drained the Coke. When he was finished, he swept his hair around with a flick of the head and winked.

“That was obnoxious,” Benedikt informed him.

“Not as obnoxious as you are. Get your hands away from your face.” Mats tapped Benni’s elbow. Benni had been simultaneously smoothing down his hair and tugging at his lips, but immediately dropped his hands and folded his arms again so he’d stop messing with himself. It was then that he noticed the pint of ice cream tucked underneath Mats’ arm.

“What’s that?”

“Ice cream.”

“I know, but what for?”

“So you can show me how to eat properly?” Mats shrugged.

Benni looked baffled. “I thought we were gonna... you know...” he moved his hands around vaguely to convey the idea.

Mats smiled an easy smile. Benni noted how he appeared even more beautiful and elegant tonight than he usually did. His tan skin was healthy and smooth, his eyes bright and eager, and his dark wavy hair fell perfectly around the defined frame of his face. His lips were fuller and pinker than ever, and he’d even changed into a clean black t-shirt that clung tightly to his form which excited Benedikt in more ways than just one.

“Patience, Benedikt. Patience.”

\-----

Benedikt couldn’t believe he was spoon-feeding Cherry Garcia ice cream to Mats Hummels in the middle of his kitchen. Mats would dangle his mouth open and every time Benedikt was about to dip the spoon in, he’d clamp his lips shut, forcing Benedikt to prod and poke his way in and spread ice cream all over the perimeter of his mouth in the process. After he’d successfully gathered the ice cream off the spoon, he would swallow it with torturous precision, his sharp jaw shifting back and forth as he moved the sweet flavor around. Finally, he would flick his tongue out and lick his lips _really_ slowly just to give Benedikt a nice little show and conclude everything with a short growl of satisfaction. His twinkling eyes never left Benedikt’s throughout the entire process.

“Oh my god, can you act normal?” Benedikt said dramatically after the fourth round. “You’re eating ice cream, not getting a blowjob.”

Mats chuckled and tangled his leg around Benni’s, who unsuccessfully tried to kick him away. They just ended up petting each other’s bare feet. “Are you referring to the amateur one you insisted on giving me that one time?”

“I’m serious, Mats. Can I eat some now?”

“Sure. I’m not stopping you am I?”

Benedikt jabbed the spoon into the ice cream. “Why do you sound so sad?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just kinda missed you never shutting the fuck up today. It’s like you were being more careful with what you said…”

Benedikt raised an eyebrow. “And how’s that a problem?”

If Mats were to be honest, the problem was that he hadn’t been able to witness Benni’s mouth twisting around in a pissed off rage because no matter what came out of it, the way he moved his lips to form the nonstop tirade of words was a sight for sore eyes and Mats hadn’t noticed this little detail until it was gone. But he wasn’t going to admit that to Benni. So he just said, “It isn’t. Are you gonna eat that now or should I take it away from you?”

“Yes. Don’t take it,” Benni said. He was about to enjoy his spoonful of ice cream when he felt something shaped very suspiciously liked Mats’ toe tickle his foot and because of that, the ice cream ended up flying halfway across the kitchen instead of inside his mouth which released an unmanly gasp.

“That wasn’t funny! You know I hate that,” Benni shot.

Mats remained cool and collected. He had recalled that his boyfriend’s feet were extremely sensitive from the time he had had to bandage one of them up and Benni couldn’t stay still, and he just couldn’t help but take advantage of that even if it was crossing onto the wrong side of Benni’s tolerance. He tapped his leg impatiently as he waited for a furious Benedikt to stomp across the room and throw the dirtied spoon into the sink with much more viciousness than necessary.

“Calm down, Benni. I was just trying to make you laugh, not piss you off. You’re acting crazy.”

Benedikt either did not hear Mats or chose not to respond. He got a new spoon and returned to the table with caution, as if he were deciding whether or not staying ticked at Mats over something so stupid was worth it.

“If I fed you would you cheer up?” Mats suggested.

Benedikt bit the insides of his cheeks and nodded.

“You have a way of manipulating me and I hate you for it,” Mats said as he prepared a generous spoonful for himself. He continued talking past the mouthful as he returned to the pint for Benni’s share. “But I love you anyway.”

He pretended to aim the spoon for Benni’s mouth, but at the last moment slapped the ice cream onto his cheek. It immediately began to drip down Benni’s pale cheek to his neck, dangerously close to the neckline of his shirt.

Benedikt narrowed his eyes.

“Oh shit, don’t murder me,” Mats joked, his eyes widening as he processed what he had just done.

“Mats, fix it. Now, or I will shove the rest of that fucking pint up your ass,” Benni dictated, but it didn’t sound very threatening because he kept having to swallow back laughter so Mats took the opportunity to abandon his own chair for Benni’s lap and lick the damn mess up himself.

Benni laughed squeamishly as Mats’ cold tongue lapped across his face, in plenty of places where there was no ice cream too.

“Wa’ suh?” Mats offered, sticking his tongue out to show the ice cream he had collected.

Benedikt wasted no time in taking up the offer, trapping Mats’ heavily sweetened tongue roughly between his teeth. It was the best ice cream he had ever had in his life. His hands dug so tightly into Mats’ waist that there would likely be bruises later on.

Ten minutes later, the pint was empty but the second spoon was never needed.

\-----

Every time Mats went into Benedikt’s room, it never failed to amaze him just how _Benni_ the room was. For starters, it smelled exactly like Benni smelled when Mats hugged him closely enough or when he happened upon one of Benni’s coats or hats. Mats adored the welcoming scent of the other boy; it wasn’t sweet or aromatic but it was just so uniquely Benni.

Benni lay across his bed, letting out a little grunt as he did so. He put his hands under his head and breathed in deeply. In and out, in and out. He didn’t want to be feeling anxious but he was. It was just Mats, he told himself. Just Mats.

In and out. In and out.

Mats stood in the doorway, breathing in and out too, but not because his heart was threatening to pound out of his chest. He just wanted to inhale as much of Benni’s scent as he could while he had the chance.

“You ready?”

Benni nodded, unable to pull his eyes away from the stationary fan on his ceiling.

“Hey,” Mats said. He made his way to the bed, sidestepping various objects on Benni’s floor in the process and sat down gingerly next to him. “What’s the matter?”

“Nervous,” Benni said.

Mats drew his thumb across Benni’s cheekbone and trailed along his jaw, all the way to his neck where he searched for a pulse and immediately felt one throbbing against the pads of his fingers. Benni’s skin was already alarmingly warm but also moist, and he was losing some of the color in his cheeks.

“Don’t be. Are you sure you want to do this? I don’t want to force you.”

There was a part of Mats that hoped Benni would say no if only for his own good. But a firm “yes” came out of his mouth and Mats was taken back to the concert back in September where Benni had insisted he was ready, taken Mats in his mouth and as soon as Mats released down his throat he realized that he hadn’t actually been ready.

Mats stifled a sigh. He brushed the stray hairs away from Benni’s forehead while Benni watched him with innocent eyes.

“I just don’t want you to...you know, freak out or anything…”

“I’m not going to, Mats. That isn’t what I’m worried about.”

Mats frowned and his hand came to a rest on the pillow. “What is it then?”

“I want to do this, but do you? I mean, look at you and then look at me, you’re practically a god and then there’s me who’s never even kissed a boy before you.”

“Sit up. Come here and stand in front of me, I want to tell you something and I need you to actually listen for once,” Mats said and Benedikt wouldn’t even have thought to disobey. He sat up, his clothes rustling against the sheets and let Mats steer him until he was standing before his boyfriend.

Mats fixed his stony gaze up to Benni. Benni peered down at Mats, picking at his lips with his finger. Mats shook his head, pulled Benni’s clammy hand down and squeezed it tightly between both of his own, letting their linked hands fall into his lap.

He hated seeing Benni like this. It made his chest ache. To him, Benni was the most beautiful person in the world. He loved his hair, how soft and thin it was and the way it got lighter in the summertime and how Benni running his hands across it always seemed to disrupt it more instead of making it smoother. He loved his eyes because Benni had the kind of expressive eyes where you could always tell exactly what kind of mood he was in and they even changed color sometimes, brightening with laughter and darkening with anger or sadness. Mats’ own eyes were always just the same boring shade of dark brown.

He loved the way Benni’s cheeks and ears flushed so easily. He loved the shape of Benni’s nose. He loved the way Benni’s eyebrows knitted in concern or concentration. He loved Benni’s teeth even though Benni didn’t like them and often expressed disappointed that his parents hadn’t taken him to get braces when he was younger (because if he got them now, it would be more noticeable since braces were a middle school thing). Mats also loved Benni’s smile. There was such a distinction between Benni’s fake smile and his genuine one, but Mats loved both of them. The fake one was purely handsome, the genuine one was wide and reached all the way to the corners of his eyes and sometimes you could see his tongue, too. And then there were the times he was sad or angry and remained beautiful. Benni was beautiful even with red, puffy eyes and splotchy cheeks or steam coming out of his ears. Everything about Benni was adorable and handsome, but Mats knew Benni didn’t want to be seen as just cute. Benni wanted to be appealing in the same sense that Mats was, but the truth was that he wasn’t and never would be. They were completely different, both in personality and in appearance and if you asked anyone to point to the ‘sex god’ between the two of them, they would probably point to Mats.

“Benni, listen to me. Are you listening?”

“Yes.”

“No you’re not.”

“Yesiamlistening,” Benni said.

“Stop comparing yourself to me. That’s the first thing.”

Benni waited for Mats to keep going.

“Second, I don’t know how many times I’ve told you before but I’ll say it again if it makes you happy, even if you don’t believe me: I like the way you look and I like you, and the more important thing is that I like you. Who spends time with people just because they’re good looking?”

“Everyone,” Benni deadpanned.

“Yeah, but how long does it last? Mhm, thought so. I like you because you challenge me. You aren’t boring. You care about things. You put in the effort to respect other people. You’re nice to my sister and that is so important to me. You know she adores you, right? I’ve never seen her happier than when you were playing with her in the pool earlier. And it isn’t just her, people like to be with you because you’re a good person and a good influence. I feel happy when I’m with you and that’s the way it should be.”

Mats swallowed. It was hard. It felt like his throat was stuck.

“So you don’t think I’m hot,” was Benedikt’s conclusion.

Mats wanted to slap him for a split second. All that and all Benedikt could think about was physical appearance?

But he didn’t. Instead, he pushed Benni down next to him and pulled his pale hands up to his lips. He grazed across Benni’s whitening knuckles before easing both their hands back into his lap.

Benni leaned in so their heads were touching. A warm shiver ran through Mats as Benni’s hair tickled his cheek and the scent he craved so much filled his nostrils.

Mats drew circles in Benni’s palm as he spoke. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Benni. I like the way you look, why can’t you just accept that? Why are you so obsessed over what adjective I use?” He squeezed Benni’s hands and rubbed his sharp wrist bones. “You’re always bashing me for not being confident, but you’re just as bad, if not worse, than I am.”

Benni was nodding contemplatingly. Good.

“I like you more when you’re confident. I’d rather have you screaming at me than shutting me off. When you scream at me is when I know you care, but when you shut me off I get worried.”

“Hmm.”

“Don’t worry me, Benni.”

Benni nodded again. “I do care. I love you.”

“Glad to hear it,” Mats said and was kissing Benni’s hands again, very softly. For a brief moment, Mats thought about staying exactly like this for the remainder of the evening and not proceeding any further. Benni’s heat and rhythm, the feel of him against Mats and the gentle puffs of sweet breath on his skin, was already more than enough.

But then Benni said, “I’m ready,” and it was Mats’ turn to nod. Benni pulled away slightly. “What do I do?”

Mats took in a deep breath. “Okay,” he began, clearly having put some thought into this. “I decided that I want you on your stomach. It isn’t the easiest position, but I think for you it’ll be the most comfortable.”

Benni was already undressing and only half listening as Mats doled out instructions. It felt like sparks were flying underneath his skin and in a moment of mild panic, he flung his t-shirt halfway across his bedroom without really intending to. But that’s where it ended up.

Mats was distractedly fingering the hem of his own shirt now. Benni moved on to his shorts. He fumbled with the zipper and button then pushed them down his legs along with his boxers.

As soon as he was naked, his muscles froze up. He felt vulnerable and exposed, and he liked the feeling because he also knew that Mats would do him no harm. He could submit himself completely to Mats and still be safe. It was like being in an elevator made out of glass.

Mats was still talking, but it only registered as soothing words in Benni’s brain. He became alert once more when a very much naked Mats moved a pillow and pushed him down gently so his torso was stretched across the length of it. And almost instantly, he felt himself stiffening and pulsing with eagerness. There was so much adrenaline running through him already and all Mats had done so far was run down his spine. He kicked his leg up involuntarily. Mats put it back down and locked it there with his knee.

“Wait,” Mats said suddenly. “I forgot to kiss you first.”

“We kiss all the time,” Benni countered. “You’re stalling. Just go.”

“Five seconds ago you were cowering like a baby. I’m trying to ease you into this.”

“JUST GO.”

So Mats just went, but not before smiling a bit at the fact that Benedikt Höwedes had just shouted at him to hurry up and have intercourse. It’s not like Benedikt didn’t shout at him on a regular basis. He did, and that’s what made it kind of funny, that even during particulars like this Benedikt wouldn’t change. Benedikt would always be sensitive, defensive, and horrendously demanding. Mats loved it.

The fact that Mats decided to be a tease and do the exact opposite of what Benedikt told him to wasn’t much of a surprise, actually. Instead of just... _going_ , Mats decided to take his time with preparation. Benni was eager -- and frankly a little stubborn -- but Mats considered that, for a first time, someone as special as Benedikt deserved this kind of attention and dedication. He then kissed Benni’s neck softly, only to be rewarded with an impatient but soft sigh, so he kept going, trailing gentle open-mouthed kisses down Benedikt’s back. When he reached the small of Benedikt’s back, the blonde let out a groan, only to be followed by a surprised yelp when he felt teeth sinking into the sensitive flesh of his butt. Mats chuckled in response, leaving a small kiss on one of Benni’s cheeks.

Sitting upright, Mats grabbed his previously discarded pants, looking for the little sachet of lube and a condom he brought with him and when he found them, he quickly ripped the little sachet open with his teeth. Wasting no time, he squirted a generous amount of the lube onto his index finger. He wanted Benni to be as comfortable as possible, especially considering he knew Benni would be quite stubborn due to both his nerves and his virginity.

“One last thing, Benni. It’s important so you’d better be listening.”

“I’m listening.”

“This might hurt.”

“That’s okay,” Benni replied.

“If you’re hurting, I want you to get up on your hands and knees and we’ll try it like that.”

“Okay.”

“And if you’re hurting too much and want to stop, you have to tell me. I can’t always read your mind. Okay?”

“Yes,” Benni said impatiently.

“Do you know what I’m going to do now or do you want me to explain?”

“Oh my god,” Benni said.

Mats took that as a no, Benni did _not_ want him to explain. So he slipped a finger into Benni’s hole. Just one. Then he rotated it around. It was easy enough, so he added a second finger.

Benni twitched and groaned. Mats grinned at how easy this was going to be. Well, for him at least.

“Alright, Benni boy?”

Benni gurgled in response. Mats was still two fingers deep and moving in and out at a steady pace, having loosened Benedikt up enough after a good number of minutes. He had already rolled a condom onto his hardened cock and was now lubricating it for extra slickness. He hadn’t wanted to wear a condom, but he had never been tested clean and didn’t want to risk anything especially when it was his Benni involved.

He hoped Benni wouldn’t notice because if Benni noticed, he would understand why and remember that Mats used to be the notorious manslut of the school. (Mats would rather die now than disrupt his loyalty, but Benni wasn’t shy about expressing his jealousy even if those days were far past. Plenty of people still pined after Mats and his legendary yet taken dick, after all).

He was disgusted at himself for a moment for thinking those things just as he was about to fill Benni’s hole. He was glad Benni couldn’t see his face, not only because of that but also because he was nearly slobbering at the view he had of Benedikt. Pebbles of sweat were forming on the back of Benni’s neck and dampening the base of his hair so it looked darker than the rest. A thin layer of sweat coated the rest of his body, which was iron hot beneath Mats’ touch. His back was a perfect triangle, muscles and dips and bone in all the right places and all the hairs on his body were standing on end. He had always loved Benni’s long, muscular legs too. But the ass was the best part of it all. A sturdy yet soft, well-prepped ass. It was whiter, Mats noticed, than the rest of Benni’s skin probably due to lack of exposure, and that just made it even more heavenly in Mats’ eyes.

Mats couldn’t stop himself pinching it to add a bit of color. Benni made an indistinguishable noise and clenched his cheeks together on instinct.

“Relax,” Mats reminded him gently. “Just breathe, baby. Breathe.”

Benni whined and tried to twist around, but Mats was holding the other boy firm. His cock was throbbing and straining against the latex and he had a limited amount of time now. He held his breath as he located Benni’s stretched hole and eased himself in.

Benni yelped in surprise.

“It’s just me. Calm down.”

Benni groaned so loudly that Mats actually shifted his attention temporarily to make sure that the doors and windows were shut. They were shut.

“There you go, keep relaxing. Good boy.”

Mats pushed in further, trying to get the job done as smoothly as possible considering how tight and dry Benedikt was. He was so focused on not hurting Benni that he needed to remind himself to inhale and exhale every so often. In and out, in and out. _Don’t grit your teeth. He’s fine._ Benni was white-hot and moaning, his movements no longer fitful but graceful. He was pushing up to meet Mats.

“You doing okay?” Mats panted.

Benni grunted throatily in response.

A routine was established. Mats moved in and out, gradually increasing the pace to adjust to Benni’s growing confidence. He went further and further into Benni and knew that he’d hit the prostate when Benni yelled.

“Still okay?”

“Mats...Mats…”

“I know, baby, I know,” Mats cooed as he tightened his hold on his boyfriend to a borderline suffocating one. Benni was trembling with what Mats presumed to be delight, so he roughened his thrusts just a notch. A string of jumbled words and noises tumbled from Benni’s mouth, consisting mainly of Mats’ name and various curse words.

“Fuck, Mats,” Benni howled.

He spilled a thick, milky liquid all over his stomach and the pillow before promptly collapsing on top of it.

Mats was on the verge of climaxing too. Benni’s heat and turbulence was too much, wrapped snug around Mats’ cock and he released a cry just before spilling into the condom, which was still partially concealed inside of Benni.

“Benni,” he choked out through bouts of heavy gasps. “Benni.”

Benni half whimpered, half sighed. He was still shaking. It took all of Mats’ remaining strength and self control not to fall right on top of him. He removed the condom, tied it up, placed it onto the floor and made a mental note to put it in the trash can later.

“Are you okay?” Mats asked, doing his best to ignore his own fatigue.

Benni moved his head, but Mats couldn’t tell if it was a nod or a shake.

“Please, Benni,” he begged. He lowered himself back onto the bed to lay beside Benni and pull the other boy into his arms only to be startled by how cold his skin had become. Fortunately, he was still sweating; there was ample evidence on his neck, forehead, and underarms. Mats relished in the coolness of Benni’s back pressed against his own skin, which was burning up from the stimulation.

“You did great, baby,” Mats tried again. “Just breathe. Take your time.”

So Benni just breathed. His back moved in sync with Mats’ chest as they breathed together.

Nothing happened for a while. After roaming between Benni’s profile and his messy bedroom, Mats allowed his eyes to shut. Benni’s body temperature stabilized and he stopped quivering.

“Mats, I’m tired.”

“Then go to sleep,” Mats said, a little put off at the lack of...what? Praise? A conclusion?

“I’m so happy.”

Mats’ heart fluttered. “And I’m happy that you’re happy. But get some rest. Don’t worry about anything else right now if you’re tired. Go to sleep and I’ll take care of everything else.”

“You sure?” Benni asked.

“Of course.”

Benedikt then wiggled out of Mats’ grasp to roll over and face him. A smile was on his thin lips. He looked exhausted and in desperate need of a shower, but otherwise happy. Beyond his tousled appearance, Benni was too beautiful for Mats not to be convinced of his happiness.

Mats smiled back. He wiped his finger across the liquid on Benni’s stomach and poked the tip of Benni’s nose. The latter then tried to lick it off with his tongue, which only resulted in failure and giggling. Mats kissed it off.

“Sleep tight, monkey butt,” he said.

Benni yawned and nodded. It had been a long, long and emotional day and his eyes were having a hard time staying open, not only from exhaustion but from all the crying he’d done lately even if the pain seemed months away at this point.

\-----

He woke up about an hour later, cozy and disoriented and tangled amidst sheets and another body. The room was darker than it had been earlier. There were voices downstairs and Benedikt panicked for an instant when he felt something heavy on his chest.

His heart rate slowed but was still brisk after he remembered that it was only Mats who had fallen asleep on his chest.

“What is it?” Mats grumbled sleepily.

“Ugh,” Benedikt croaked in response.

Mats peeled his cheek off of Benedikt’s chest and sat up. “What time is it? Shit...”

Benedikt blinked. He was still tired and had even less energy than he had had before falling asleep.

Mats was scrambling off the bed now and throwing his clothes on. “Shit shit shit shit shit shit.”

Benedikt extended a heavy arm and whined, clumsily longing for the warmth and weight of Mats to reappear.

“It’s late, Benni. I need to go. Go back to sleep. See you at school tomorrow.” Mats pulled the blankets back over the other boy, tucked them in tight all the way up to his chin, placed a hasty kiss onto his forehead then left.

Benedikt fell asleep again before Mats reached the flight of stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this chapter took me forever to post, I got a bit lazy with my editing hah. I have chapter 12 written and surprise, it turned how differently how I wanted it to so there might be a short chapter 13 to wrap things up afterwards. But I promise, if there is a chapter 13 it will definitely be the final chapter -- I've already dragged this thing out enough as is :)


	12. Back to School

Benedikt didn’t stay asleep for long. He woke up again a couple hours later and there was way too much going on in his head to make sleeping again a viable option. So he put on his headphones, listened to music and browsed the Internet on his phone.

Once he got bored of that, he checked the time. It was 3:54 in the morning. He rolled out of bed and dressed in nothing more but a pair of running shorts and shoes. He normally didn’t run shirtless because he thought it was unnecessary, but it was too early to matter. It was still dark and who would be out at this time anyway?

He went downstairs and outside as quietly as he could, started his watch and took off down the street. For 15 minutes straight, he hauled ass. He ran so fast that there were jabbing pains in his stomach and if he were to begin thinking about his stride, he would probably lose his rhythm and trip. It’s like when you start thinking about breathing or blinking how it becomes really annoying.

He thought about last night. Mats had been correct. It had hurt a little bit but it was also an amazing feeling of completeness that Benedikt could never recreate or describe. He wondered if Mats had gotten as much pleasure out of the experience as he had; Mats had seemed far more sure of himself last night than in the shower earlier that day, so maybe it was a good sign.

Another thing Benedikt thought was unnecessary during running was spitting. Not only was it unnecessary, but it was also gross. However, no one was out here except for the occasional early riser or commuter, and for some reason Benedikt felt more clogged up than usual. Maybe it was because it was spring or because of how hard he was pushing himself. Whatever the reason, there was a lot of accumulation in his throat so he hacked it up then spit to the side of the bike trail.

When he got home, it was a little past 5 and there was a light on in the kitchen. Benedikt’s dad was up, reading the newspaper and checking his phone simultaneously. _Couldn’t he ever just focus on one thing at a time?_

“You’re up early,” his dad noted.

“Yes,” said Benedikt.

“You were asleep last night when we got home so I put your food in the fridge with your name on it. Did you have a good weekend?”

“Sure,” said Benedikt.

“That’s good. Where have you been?”

“Running.”

“I see that, but why?”

That was a dumb question with a dumb answer, so Benedikt didn’t answer. He filled a glass with tap water and drank it, watching as his dad read the newspaper, checked his phone, and interacted with his son.

When Benedikt was finished drinking, he put the glass in the sink and grabbed a dish towel. Then he fell into a chair, dug his elbows into his legs and buried his face into the towel. He had pushed himself too hard and was now paying the consequences; his chest burned, his legs burned, his face burned, and sweat was leaking into his eyes and the cut on his hand, making them sting. This was exactly how he felt after racing, except it was different because it wasn’t a real race. He didn’t feel any exhilaration or glory, he just felt stupid.

“Keep drinking water or you’ll cramp up,” his dad said after a few minutes of only the sound of Benedikt’s ragged breathing.

“I am aware,” Benedikt said. He didn’t drink anything more, but he did get up and wash his hands. “I’m gonna make breakfast.”

Mr. Höwedes looked up. “What are you making?”

“I don’t know. Eggs. Toast. Whatever.”

Benedikt’s dad looked like he was debating something in his head. Then he said, phone still in his hand, “Do you know how to make French toast? I can make fruit compote.”

It wasn’t the reaction Benedikt had been expecting, but he wasn’t going to complain. “You just dip the bread in eggs and cook them, right?” he said as he dried his hands.

The newspaper was folded up on the table now and on top of it sat the phone. “That’s the basic idea. I’ll show you.”

So that was how Benedikt ended up cooking breakfast with his dad, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts that only went up to his thighs and a layer of grime and sweat. He had no idea that his dad knew how to cook seeing as he never really cooked anything for the family. Benedikt’s diet consisted mainly of cereal, the school lunch, random processed snacks throughout the day and whatever pasta or stir fry his mother threw together for dinner. He ate a lot at Mats’ place too, which contained a lot of junk food that Mats liked. It wasn’t the best diet, but it was sufficient and got him through the day.

 _Maybe I would be faster if I ate better,_ Benedikt thought.

\-----

When Benedikt was in the shower that morning, he plotted out an arrangement to get all his homework done in time for class seeing as none of it was done yet. He had government first period, so he would have to skim the text and whip up some answers in Mats’ truck on the way to school and maybe, depending on how late Mats was, he’d have a few extra minutes in class before the bell rang.

So now he only had precalc, English, chemistry, German, and sociology to plan out...he could always get a little bit done while the director was working with the sopranos or something during choir as long as she didn’t see him. And then there was lunch, of course.

Lunch proved to not be a very effective option.

Benedikt had 1st lunch and Mats had 2nd, so he never saw Mats during lunch. Today, he and his group of friends decided to sit outside on the field because it was a nice day. Benedikt lay on his stomach, shoveling his lunch into his mouth and scribbling responses to various balancing equations for chemistry. It was sort of hard to concentrate however, because his friends were being as noisy and obnoxious as they always were.

“Bro,” Thomas remarked very seriously, tapping him on the shoulder. “Bro, do you think that cloud is shaped like a dick?”

Benedikt ignored him.

“Bro,” Thomas said again. “You gotta check this out, it’s hilarious.” He tugged Benedikt’s paper away from him to get his attention. That was a mistake.

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT DICKS RIGHT NOW! I’M TRYING TO GET THIS DONE BEFORE SEVENTH PERIOD SO LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Thomas’ eyes widened as he scrambled backwards apologetically. All the attention from the group was on Benedikt now, who cared very much about his school work and was prone to blowing up due to stress. He was also prone to illness due to stress, so combine that with pollen during the spring and he pretty much felt like crap on a fairly regular basis year round.

“Benni, you have plenty of time until chemistry. It’s okay,” Manuel tried to say, but Benedikt was already packing up to go back inside.

“I’m going inside,” he said, and he felt all of his friends’ eyes on him as he stalked off. He knew he was being dramatic and oversensitive, but he couldn’t have given less of a shit at the time. _That’s me,_ he thought. _Overdramatic, whiny, grumpy Benedikt Höwedes._

He calmed down a little bit once he was inside. It helped to clear his head now that 1) he could actually breathe, and 2) Thomas Müller was not screaming in his ear about clouds that looked like dicks. The only problem this brought about was that now he was painfully aware of how much junk he had eaten just now. It made him feel gross.

He thought about the weekend he had just spent. It had been an incredible weekend and he missed it. It all felt like a dream now even though he had been eating and mini golfing with Mats’ family just 24 hours ago. He recalled vomiting on the way to the campsite and decided it hadn’t been such a bad experience. The worst part was the nausea preceding the actual vomiting, which only lasted a second before it was over. If he could simply avoid the nausea then it couldn’t be all that horrible.

By the time Benedikt decided that he was going to try and barf up his lunch, Manuel had caught up to him, looking worried and also a bit offended.

“Benni,” he said. “You never told me about the trip. What’s going on?”

“I have to go do something. Be right back,” Benedikt told him. Then he hurried upstairs so he could dip into an empty bathroom before the bell rang and the lunch crowds descended on him.

The bathroom was empty. Good.

He locked himself in a stall, knelt down, and stuck two fingers as far as he could down his throat. He gagged hard, but nothing came up. This went on for several minutes.

At long last, he stuck his fingers in and felt the contents of his stomach making their way back up. It was unpleasant, but it was over soon enough and Benedikt was relieved. He straightened up with a noise of relief and flushed the toilet.

He left the stall to wash his hands and wipe his mouth with a scratchy brown towel. He felt gross from kneeling down in a school bathroom stall and sticking his face so close to the toilet, and he wanted to get rid of the taste in his mouth before it made him gag again. When he left the bathroom to rinse out his mouth at the water fountain, he almost missed Manuel standing with his arms folded by the fountains.

“So now you’re forcing yourself to puke after you eat? Anything else you’re not telling me?”

“I overate,” Benedikt told him defensively. It was the truth, in his opinion. He bent over to grab a drink, but Manuel pulled him back up.

“All you ate was potato wedges,” Manuel snapped.

“I told you I would be right back! Why’d you have to follow me?” Benedikt was getting annoyed now.

“Because I, unlike you, actually care about my friends and I, unlike you, am not a shallow piece of selfish shit who only cares about how I look and would sink so low as to make myself sick so I can look good. Honestly, Benedikt, what you were doing in there just now was disgusting and that’s why I had to step out. There are people out there who actually suffer from eating disorders and you’re just playing off the whole thing like it’s no big deal. I can’t believe who you’ve turned into.”

Benedikt slammed his fist against the button on the water fountain with unnecessary force and snorted half of the water up his nose instead of getting it in his mouth since he was so distracted.

“I’m tired and my allergies suck today so please just leave me alone,” he begged, gauging Manuel’s reaction briefly before going back into the bathroom and re-locking himself in the same stall. He pushed the lid down to sit on it, leaned against the wall, and knew he was going to fall asleep before he could do anything about it. He wished Mats were with him right now. Mats would know what to do.

If Manuel came back in, Benedikt would surrender because he had no energy to argue or even try to. He knew he was wrong, anyway. Luckily, Manuel never came back in.

The lunch bell came and went and Benedikt fell asleep in the school bathroom, vaguely aware that he had quite possibly officially lost his shit.

\-----

When he woke up, he was groggy and he had missed both 4th and 5th periods. He had a text from Manuel telling him to meet him in the visitors’ bleachers and that he was not going to leave until Benedikt showed up.

Seven minutes later, Benedikt arrived at the very top of the visitors’ bleachers where Manuel was lounging back with his elbows propped on the row behind him, reading _Columbine_. Benedikt had also had to read _Columbine_ for his English class back in January.

“You skipped class for me?” Benedikt asked incredulously, standing above him.

Manuel looked up. “Yep. I needed to catch up on the reading anyway,” he said offhandedly. “Look, Benni, I was thinking about what I said to you earlier and I know it was harsh but you have to understand my point of view. You’ve been acting crazier and moodier lately and I’m just worried about you, is all. When I heard you retching in there it was kind of the last straw for me. You never tell me anything anymore, we’re drifting apart and yeah, I know we’re going to drift further and further apart until we’re adults and forget about each other because that’s just what happens but I guess I don’t want that to happen yet.”

Benedikt stared at him. He still hadn’t sat down.

“Please never puke up your lunch again. I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish and I don’t know if this was the first time it’s happened or if it’s been going on, but please don’t do it. If you do it again, then you need to get help because that’s serious.”

Benedikt nodded and sat down. He felt funny, as if he wasn’t quite processing Manuel’s words but at the same time they were sinking in too deep. He pointed to Manuel’s copy of _Columbine_ and said, “Do you think Dylan still would’ve shot up the school if he never knew Eric?”

Manuel shrugged. “Probably not. Nah.”

“Do you think I still would be losing my shit even if I never started dating Mats?”

“Don’t compare yourself to a mass murderer.”

“I’m not comparing us. It’s an analogy,” Benedikt clarified.

“Are you a murderer?”

“No.”

“Well, there you go,” Manuel said with finality. He set the book aside. “You’re not losing your shit, so therefore it can’t be because of Mats since you’re not losing your shit in the first place. I think you just need to sort out your priorities.”

“Dylan’s still the one who pulled the fucking trigger. Eric didn’t make him do it.”

“This conversation is over, Benedikt,” Manuel said firmly. “I’m not talking in circles with you.”

“Oh my god, I am such an awful friend…” Benedikt ran his palms over his face until he felt Manuel’s arm go around his shoulder and he leaned a little bit into his friend instead.

“No, you’re dealing with your own life right now and that’s what you should be doing. Always put yourself first. But put me second,” Manuel said.

Benedikt smiled a bit at that.

“If you’re ever not okay, please, please, tell me.”

“Honestly, I’m okay. I only got like, less than two hours sleep and I was really stressed about my homework so that’s probably why today was so shitty. And the reason I tried to puke was because the potatoes made me feel gross today, it’ll never happen again, promise. I’ll be perfectly normal tomorrow. Except for the pollen, I mean. But there’s nothing I can do about that,” Benedikt explained as matter-of-factly as he could.

“Oh yeah. Let’s go back inside, then. Library?”

Benedikt nodded gratefully. For some reason, being out in the mountains had provided a little relief from spring allergies, but now that he was back in the suburbs they were starting to act up again.

The entire walk to the library Benedikt spent explaining to his best friend what had happened on the camping trip in between bouts of sneezes that left him convinced that he was indeed cursed with the crappiest immune system on the planet.

When the introduction to the story was finally finished, Manuel paused in the middle of the hallway and pulled his friend into a tight hug. “You just run into one clusterfuck after the other, don’t you?”

“Clusterfucks attract other clusterfucks,” Benedikt remarked, quite glad that the itchy redness of his eyes could pass as a reaction to being outside for too long. Not only did he have the crappiest immune system on the planet, but he also apparently had the lowest emotional tolerance.

They got to the library, pretended they had to do research for a project, then went into a corner and talked quietly, not just about Benedikt but about Manuel’s life and also totally irrelevant topics that were interesting nonetheless, until the bell rang to end 6th period.

“Thank you,” Benedikt said earnestly as they made their way to chemistry together. “I actually have no idea how I would survive and stay sane without you.”

Manuel rolled his eyes impatiently. “Keep up the sappiness and I’ll abandon you.”

\-----

After talking with Manuel and being inside long enough to stop sniffling, Benedikt was far less aggravated. He took his usual seat next to Mats in chemistry, Manuel on the other side of him. He felt as if he were being flanked by his boyfriend and his best friend. Mats and Manuel weren’t exactly friends, but they got along well enough thanks to having one common goal: protect Benedikt and make sure he’s happy. They both had completely different ways of accomplishing that goal, but hey, both ways did the job. Most of the time.

Today they were doing lab work in groups of four. The usual groups all congregated at their usual lab stations. Benedikt was the unofficial captain of his lab group; Mats was usually too busy drawing bongs on his worksheet, Thomas too busy running his mouth, and Manuel too busy trying to get the two of them to stop drawing bongs and blabbering away, respectively, so that something could actually get done. Benedikt was generally the only one who did the lab work, with the occasional helping hand from Manuel whenever Thomas took one of his bathroom breaks every ten minutes on the dot.

Benedikt was hardly focused as he did the lab work. He was thinking about what had happened during lunch today. A pit of guilt brewed at the bottom of his stomach at the fact that he _wasn’t_ actually guilty or concerned at the fact that he had forced his lunch back up.

“Someone’s in a better mood, I see,” Thomas commented.

Benedikt flipped him off without looking up and blushed at the reminder of his behavior earlier.

“Or not,” Thomas corrected himself.

“Benni.”

Benedikt looked up through his lab goggles to see Mats staring back at him, also through his lab goggles. For a second, he thought Mats was going to tell him something serious or that perhaps he had found out the fate of Benedikt’s potato wedges and was going to scold him. “Yes?

“How do you fill in this chart?” Mats indicated it with his pencil, whose eraser was chewed up.

Benedikt rolled his eyes. What could he have expected? “Oh my god. Just wait a sec and I’ll help you.”

“Bless your heart,” Mats said gratefully.

Benedikt returned to the lab work, glancing at the clock every so often to check when he would be able to go home and sighing whenever the results yielded that only a minute had passed since he had last checked the clock ten minutes ago.

Maybe some things would change for better or for worse, but others would remain humbly the same for a long, long time no matter what went on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter, although I was informed that it is an awful and abrupt way to end a story. So, I've decided that if anyone wants it, I will write some one shots to wrap things up from both this story and the last because I am aware that there are many, many loose ends. If there's anything you want to see or know more about, please leave a comment so I can write it for you :)
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me throughout this whole thing. It's been almost half a year since I started Lab Safety, that's crazy :o I really had fun writing this series, but I know it was far from perfect so if you could leave some feedback, i.e. what I did well on and what could be improved that would be awesome.
> 
> So what'd you think? What do you see happening after this? Leave me your thoughts!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! :)


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